


Crescendos

by shandyall



Series: The Symphony Verse [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 13:59:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 73,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shandyall/pseuds/shandyall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt and Blaine's semester apart began with Kurt getting on a plane and ends with "Poophead missed you." Now find out what happens in between. This is the story of the sadness, the shenanigans, the jubilation, the tears, the flash drive, the gambling, the croissants, the sit-ups, the emails, the drinking and the Matt-ness of it all. Sequel to Interludes & Overtures .</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

132 days earlier...

Kurt’s not sure what his emotions are doing as he boards the plane. Is he sad? Happy? Excited? Anxious? Annoyed at the person that keeps jostling him with their loudly printed Vera Bradley carry on bag? (Since when does Vera do neons? Neons aren’t preppy.)

Kurt always believed he was fairly in touch with his emotions, mostly self aware, but today, today he has no idea what’s going on with his mood. He’s on an emotional roller coaster. When he was sitting in the airport texting Blaine he was on the verge of sobbing, loudly, in a very public place. (Which is what he was trying so hard to avoid by saying goodbye to Blaine in his bedroom.) But now that he’s taken his tiny seat on this transatlantic flight to a city he’s dreamed about visiting since he was 8, he’s bouncing with pent up excitement.

After the plane is in the air and the fasten seatbelt light is off and Kurt has gotten a cup of coffee from the flight attendant, he fishes the note from Blaine out of his pocket. He weighs it in his hand the way he did with the other note Blaine had given him in the piano room, the note that he has stuck deep inside his carry on bag because sometimes he needs to read it. Kurt has actually started to habitually read that note from Blaine on a weekly basis. He feels almost nostalgic for that Blaine sometimes, the one who couldn’t quite hold eye contact long enough to even smile at Kurt.

But now he has a different Blaine, a more vibrant Blaine. A more confident, happier, Blaine. And Kurt loves the Blaine he has today more than he could have ever guessed when he read that note so many months ago. Blaine never fails to surprise Kurt. Sometimes Kurt can’t believe how often he underestimates Blaine.

Way back when, he assumed that he would have to make all the moves, although somehow Blaine ended up initiating their first date by inviting Kurt to watch him sing First Day of My Life at open mic night. And then Kurt started to take the bull by the horns and set up a “real” date and Blaine again, shocked him on top of a ferris wheel with the world’s most perfect first kiss.

Time and again, Blaine reveals himself to be one of the most brave and inspiring and amazing people Kurt has ever met. Leaving him for this amount of time makes Kurt’s heart ache. It brings a lot of his own insecurities to the surface. But conversely Blaine didn’t seem the least apprehensive about Kurt’s absence. He seemed sad at the prospect, but he was always talking about having time to be Blaine and to work hard and to get better. Blaine saw opportunity where Kurt only saw loneliness.

Rachel has said to him multiple times that Blaine and Kurt’s relationship dynamic is admirable, that they have something that so many couples strive for but few ever succeed at.

“You balance each other effortlessly,” he remembers the first time Rachel said this. It was the night of the directions debacle. The first time he and Blaine had cried in front of each other, the first time Kurt finally understood what Blaine was up against on a regular basis.

After Blaine had gone home, well after midnight, he and Rachel had a heart to heart.

Kurt told Rachel the whole story from beginning to end. He was so upset that night, he was so frustrated and powerless against the cruel world. At the time it just seemed like Blaine was taking everything lying down. But now, several months after the incident, Kurt has a better grasp on the situation. Blaine doesn’t exhaust himself trying to improve things he can’t change. Blaine exhausts himself trying to improve himself.

Kurt couldn’t quite bring himself to admit to Rachel that he wasn’t entirely sure he would have been patient with Blaine or given him a chance if they had met more conventionally. But he did tell her how he felt he was too invested already, how he felt so much and it almost didn’t seem fair to pin so many emotions on Blaine. She smiled and nodded and held his hand.

“Kurt,” she had said in her least condescending voice. “I think you might already be a little bit in love with him.”

He had scoffed at the idea then, but within a month he knew she was right. Blaine had swiftly and deftly stolen his heart.

Which brings Kurt to this moment, sitting on a plane, however many feet above the Atlantic, holding a letter from Blaine. He looks out the window, he sips his coffee. He’s putting off opening the note a little bit, because he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that any note from Blaine contains wonders he can never fathom. And he wants to hold onto the unknown a little longer.

His curiosity gets the better of him 30 seconds later.

He unfolds the note.

~~~~~

To my favorite fella,

I miss your face already, even though I’m currently looking at your face while you sleep. (Is that creepy? I don’t mean for it to be creepy.) I woke up and it’s the middle of the night and I had all of these things I wanted to tell you, so I figured I’d better start writing.

First of all, thank you. I don’t think I tell you enough how much I appreciate you and everything you do for me. I mean it sincerely and you leaving is a good time to say it. Here is a brief list of what I’m thanking you for:

Loving me  
Your endless patience  
Listening to me  
Being my fella  
Understanding me enough to come up with the idea to call each other fella  
Grooming me

I could go on, but I think that’s enough for now. (Don’t need you getting a big head.)

I know I mentioned this to you about a million times, but I know we’re going to be fine, in fact we’re going to be better than fine. Who cares about 132 days when we’re going to be Kurt and Blaine for 132 years? (And by 132 years I really mean forever.) I know maybe it’s early in our relationship to talk like that, but that’s how I feel at 2:46 am on January 14th, 2015.

No matter how much we’ll miss each other over the next 132 days, that’s hardly a drop in the bucket of a lifetime that we could potentially spend together.

And I think I need this time to prepare myself for that life with you. I love you and I have more confidence in our relationship and the way I feel about you than I’ve ever had about anything in my life. Which doesn’t really say that much I guess, seeing as how confidence isn’t exactly my forte, but take it for what it is.

This letter is going to go to the pathetic and weepy place soon and I don’t want my whimpering to wake you up, so I better just get down to business.

Here’s the deal with the flash drive. There are 20 folders on there; you’ll be gone for 19 weeks. I shall reveal one password each week, probably emailing it to you every Sunday night. Today I’ll tell you the password for the first folder: blainers. (not all of them are going to be this obvious, so don’t even try to crack them.) 

The first folder is special and I’ll get to that in a second. Or at least, I think it’s special, I hope you think it’s special too. The rest of the 19 have a text file in each one that you should read first before opening the audio or video file because it sort of explains things a little better. Also, I kind of feel like I need to remind you that I gave this drive to you almost a month ago, so things might seem a little behind the times in some ways. I’m not sure if there really needed to be a disclaimer for that and I can’t think of anything specific that might be off, but I guess it was worth mentioning. Oh! Like you didn’t call me Poophead back then. That’s a good example.

Why am I still rambling about this?

In any event.

In the first folder you will find a rather large audio file. It’s me reading the entirety of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. It’s all explained in the text file that goes with the audio. But I figure that this way, you’ll have hours and hours of my voice, because no matter how much I want to talk to you while you’re away, I honestly don’t know if I’m always going to be able to. You’re well aware that I have my good days and my bad days speech wise, and I’m hoping that’ll start to even out eventually, but it hasn’t yet. You might have to bear with me while I get more comfortable talking on the phone.

But I promise to call you and I think we should try Skyping. It might work well for me. But I’ll tell you when I’m ready. And I’ll call you as soon as I can. Actually, I’ll probably end up sending you a bajillion emails and then wimp out like 3 times and then finally send you a message like “You have to call ME, I’m too scared!” And then you’ll have a tone of fond exasperation in your voice and I’ll remember how much I love you and all will be right with the world.

Anyway, I’ll miss you a lot. And I can’t wait for you to come home, even though at the moment you haven’t even left yet. I’m going to go cuddle your face off while I still have the option.

Poophead out.

Love always,  
Blaine

~~~~~

Kurt refolds the letter and smiles. He’s one lucky fella.

Kurt knows that when Blaine is around him he’s happy and confident. But Blaine does even more for Kurt. He’s taught him how to love unconditionally, how to listen, how to accept people. Blaine has taught Kurt that some things are worth waiting for and that putting yourself out there garners results. Kurt wishes he could be more like Blaine most of the time.

Blaine has got to be the most thoughtful person he’s ever met. When he created those fonts for Kurt for Christmas, Kurt was touched and happy and surprised. And when Kurt noticed all the other files on that flash drive, he was intrigued and excited. If those fonts were any indication, he knew Blaine had a lot more in store for him.

And now, Harry Potter read by Blaine? Kurt had already been dreading the nights where he can’t fall asleep because he misses Blaine’s arms around him and his sweet whisper in Kurt’s ear. But now he has the promise of Blaine’s voice reading one of his favorite books. Who does that? Who comes up with ideas like that? It’s beautiful, it’s miraculous in some ways because Blaine is always so hesitant about reading out loud.

Every time Kurt asks him to read from a recipe or instructions or anything, Blaine always hesitates. The situation doesn’t come up very often, but when it does, Blaine always warns Kurt before he starts. “Just gimme a minute, OK?” Kurt can hear Blaine’s timid voice. As if Kurt would ever interrupt him or laugh or hurt his feelings if his speech isn’t perfect. That’s how much Blaine hates reading aloud.

And then Blaine, his Blaine, his ridiculously shy but incredibly thoughtful Blaine, figures out to way to give Kurt 8 and half hours of his voice. Kurt wills himself not to cry.

Kurt spends the rest of his flight dozing and flipping through magazines and daydreaming about seeing his poophead in 132 days.

When his flight lands, Kurt collects his bags and makes his way to find a cab in the wee hours of the morning. He’d exchanged some money already, so he was prepared. He gave the address of the Chambre de Bonne where he’d be staying. It’s a walk up building with small studio apartments. NYU study abroad office had set up the arrangements. Kurt was awfully happy not to have to share a room with anyone. He’s not a good room sharer. Well, he assumes he’s not a good room sharer, seeing as how he’s never shared a room.

He’s bleary eyed from travelling, but he’s taking everything in as the cab flies through sparsely populated streets. At this hour, the city is quiet but not barren by any means. Flying in at 3 am gives Kurt an opportunity to see a much different Paris.

When he arrives at his new studio apartment, he hauls his two suitcases, laptop bag and carry on bag up the stairs. When he enters the door (the key having been shipped to him just days prior) he’s astonished by the sheer tininess. 

There’s a narrow bed, a sink, a glorified hotplate and a bureau. He opens a door in the room, assuming it’s a closet and finds the world’s weirdest, tiniest shower inside. It turns out he’ll be sharing a public bathroom, but at least he has a shower to himself.

He sits on his bed, checks his watch, which he’s already changed to Paris time. He does some quick calculations and realizes that if it’s 3:30 am here, it’s 9:30 pm back home. He should attempt to get in touch with his dad at least, to let him know he’s safe. He’s awfully happy that he took care of setting up an international calling plan before he left.

After their brief conversation, he opens his laptop, excited to find that he has internet access. Truth be told, he’s not sure if he’s stealing wifi or not right now, but he doesn’t care.

He’s not surprised to see several new emails already.


	2. Chapter 2

_January 18th_  
 _Folder 1_  
 _password: blainers_  
  
 _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone_  
  
Hi. :)  
  
I recorded an audio book for you. I hope you like it.  
  
Here’s the story:  
  
Chad has me read a lot at speech, which I’ve mentioned to you. When I started speech he made me choose a book to read and I started with Harry Potter because it’s comforting and makes me happy. During most speech sessions, I would sit for 10-15 minutes and listen to the Sorcerer’s Stone audiobook through headphones and read the book, word for word, while Chad recorded it. And then we’d listen to the recording.  
  
It’s apparently important for me to hear myself speaking fluently, who knows why. I can’t say that it helps me at all. However, what it did leave me with was that by late November I had about ⅔ of a reading of Harry Potter with my speech sounding pretty good. Also I really like doing all the voices.   
  
So then I took a couple hours one weekend to finish it off and now it’s on your flash drive. This way when you really miss my voice you have 8 and a half hours of it.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: k.hummel@nyu.edu  
From: b.anderson6@nyu.edu  
Date: Sun, Jan 18th, 6:43 pm  
Subject: Inevitable email about all of the reasons you are wrong.  
  
Eloquent? No way. N-O. It’s not even worth addressing fully. You know why you’re wrong.  
Orgasmic? Sexy? Blushing font, Kurt. Just... blushing font.  
Squiriferous? That’s so made up, I could only find it on urbandictionary.com. And I’m not a gentleman! I recently burped in your face.  
Pulchritudinous? We’ve been over this. Only if you use the secondary definition that I made up for it.  
  
And the most absurd thing on that list is brave. I’ve never been brave a day in my life Kurt. Guys like me, we’re not brave. We’re just happy to have someone like you to let us try. You’ve made me feel brave, but that’s not the same as actually being brave.  
  
I could take issue with more on that list, but these are the ones that made me particularly argumentative (and emotional) while reading.  
  
However, I’m pretty sure you’re right about one of them. I am the Blainiest Blaine who has ever Blained. So, score one for you, dumbass.  
  
Thanks for the chicken and the milk and cupcake and telling Matt and Kerry to give me hugs.  
  
I hope you had a good flight!  
  
Love you.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Mon, Jan 19th, 3:53 am  
Subject: I have two rules.  
  
1\. I’m never wrong.  
2\. If I’m wrong, see rule #1. Also, I win.  
  
I hope those rules clear everything up.  
  
If not, I’d like to start a transatlantic argument with you over the definition of brave. Seeing as how it’s nearly 4 in the morning here, I figure this is as good a time as any to discuss what being brave means.  
  
According to dictionary.com, brave is “possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.” (Yes. I’m starting this debate with a definition. What are you going to do about it?)  And now I shall quote Mark Twain. “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” (Yes. I’m continuing this debate with a quote. You can’t stop me.) And that, my dear poophead, is the crux of your essence.  
  
Sometimes I can tell you’re paralyzed by fear, by what you perceive you can or can’t do and by all the things that make you feel powerless in this world. But what do you do? You act in spite of it. You make the rest of us look like schlubs. Like crappy, worthless schlubs who never bother with anything. You think you walk away when things get hard, and sure maybe sometimes you do, but a lot of the time you don’t. Your persevere.  
  
You were terrified to sing at open mic night with Matt. You’ve never specifically told me that, but I know you were. You barely lifted your eyes off the floor to look at the assembled crowd. I remember thinking about how unfocused you seemed, how nervous. I can picture your face and knowing your expressions as well as I do now, I know you were extremely relieved when you were done, but also happy, excited. Your face when I bumped into you in the hallway was your “if my mouth worked, I would talk” face. I love knowing that about you now. I love translating your faces. Anyway, my point is, you did it, you played. And you kept doing it. You went back to open mic night every week and soon enough you were playing your heart for the crowd. For me. You couldn’t talk to me, but you found a way to communicate. That was brave, Blaine. No matter how you cut it.  
  
And what about going to speech, Blaine? Asking for help is brave and telling people you’re getting help is even braver. Kissing me on the top of a ferris wheel is super brave, because ferris wheels are scary to begin with and kissing people can lead to rejection.  
  
Then there’s everything with your dad. I’m not just limiting this to confronting him. Talking to him in general, assenting to going ice fishing, hell, even sitting next to him on the couch after confronting him. It’s all brave, Blaine, because you’re going outside your comfort zone. You’re meeting him halfway when what you really want to do is stay right where you are. You’re certainly braver than he is. If he was brave, you wouldn’t be going ice fishing with him, he’d be going somewhere with you. Meeting you on your terms and conditions, not whatever happy sitcom family bullshit he cooked up. (Did that sound judge-y? I didn’t mean for it to be judge-y, but it’s how I feel about these shenanigans with him. I’d like to give him a stern talking to, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t give a shit about my opinion.)  
  
Wow. That was quite the tangent. In any event, you’re brave and every other word I put on that list. Believe me.  
  
Now I’m getting all emotional and I haven’t even thanked you for the flash drive. The idea that you read me a book makes me even more emotional. I’m a little bit speechless about the whole thing Blaine and I can’t wait to see what else you have in store for me.  
  
So, I’m going to go to sleep now, because I’m exhausted by the whole day and the whole prospect of everything I have to do over the next several days and weeks and months and life and stuff. I was going to start listening to the audiobook, but I decided I should save it for when I really need it. I heard your voice today. I have a feeling there are going to be much harder days than this one.  
  
I love you, so much, and I can’t wait to spend 132 years being Kurt and Blaine, too.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: k.hummel@nyu.edu  
From: veryrachelberry@gmail.com  
Date: Sun, Jan 18, 8:50 pm  
Subject: Blainers  
  
As you requested sir, here are my observations on how Blaine was doing after you left.  
  
He was a weepy, sniffly, but seemed content with the chicken. He hung out with Puck and I for a couple hours and then went back to his dorm. When he left I shot Kerry a text to make sure she and Matt were around and ready with the cupcake.  
  
All in all, things went well. He’s sad Kurt, but he’s not exactly the same lonely boy you randomly picked up on the internet last May. We’ll take care of him. I think he’ll honestly be fine while you’re away. I hope you don’t think I’m going to spy on him the whole time you’re gone. And send you daily updates on his well being. He’s a grown up Kurt, talk to him and I’m sure he’ll tell you he’s fine, too. And it won’t be a lie.  
  
Tina’s here and we’re going to give each other pedicures.  
  
I miss you!!! I hope your travels went well and I’m sure we’ll talk soon.  
  
Love- Rachel  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: veryrachelberry@gmail.com  
From: k.hummel@nyu.edu  
Date: Mon, Jan 19, 4:08 am  
Subject: Re: Blainers  
  
First of all, I told you he prefers Poophead to Blainers.  
  
Second of all, I did not “pick him on the internet.” You make it sound like I was trolling websites for mail order grooms or something.  
  
Third of all, it’s not spying, it’s... checking up on him. Getting a third party observer’s opinion. Not spying. Never spying.  
  
Fourth of all, the man loves his chicken. No doubt about that.  
  
Anyway, thank you Rachel for participating in this survey of my, often reserved, boyfriend’s feelings. You claim he would tell me how he’s feeling, and for the most part he would, but I also know that he wouldn’t want to tell me if things are really bad, because he wouldn’t want to make me feel guilty.  
  
But if you let me know if things are bad, maybe I can find a way to cheer him up. Or maybe things won’t ever be bad.  
  
On the other hand, if things are never bad, does that mean he doesn’t care about me? That he doesn’t miss me as much as I miss him? What are my emotions doing? I don’t think I’ve ever been so insecure about anything. How can the shyest man on the planet make me feel this insecure?  
  
I feel weird. I think I need to go to sleep.  
  
Traveling was fine. The city, even driving through it at 3am, is amazing. I can’t wait to explore.  
  
Miss you!  
Kurt  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: mattmattmattmatt@nyu.edu  
From: k.hummel@nyu.edu  
Date: Mon, Jan 19, 4:15 am  
Subject: WTF your email address  
  
How did you get that email address? There’s no way NYU generated that for you. What is this magic?  
  
How’s Blaine? Is he ok? Did he eat his cupcake? Did he eat dinner? Make sure he doesn’t oversleep for his 8am class.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Matt  
Date: Sun, Jan 18, 11:18 pm  
Subject: Re: WTF your email address  
  
These time stamps confuse the shit out of me. It’s like you emailed me from the future.  
  
I can’t reveal my sources with regards to my email address. It’s awesome though, right?  
  
And JFC, Kurt. Seriously? Blaine’s fine and he’s not actually your child. He was maybe a little teary eyed earlier, but he’s perfectly fine now. What if I told you all he ate for dinner was the cupcake? And some Skittles? And washed it all down with an extra large Dr. Pepper? What are you going to do, ground him? (Not to be a tattle tail but that IS actually what he ate for dinner. He was sad and didn’t feel like going out with Kerry and me to the dining hall. But I don’t think this is going to be his regular diet for the whole time you’re gone or anything. Not to mention, he did eat that entire chicken for lunch.)  
  
I can’t believe I’m even responding to this email. If you send me another one like this one, I’m going to forward it to him and he’s going to be maaaaaad at you.  
  
He’s Blaine, he’s the most resilient mofo I’ve ever met. Stop worrying about him and go have fun on your Parisian adventure.  
  
But don’t cheat on him with this hypothetical, beautiful Parisian he keeps babbling about or else I will have to stab you in your sleep.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Sun, Jan 18, 11:54 pm  
Subject: Re: I have two rules  
  
You definitely haven’t emerged the victor yet. Particularly when one considers all the time and effort your wonderful boyfriend put into making the soundtrack of your life for the next 132 days and all you did was leave him some chicken and a cupcake.  
  
One cupcake, Kurt, not even multiple cupcakes. Weak.  
  
And I suppose you did leave him a relatively heartfelt note about how wonderful he is. Even if he doesn’t agree with you on several of the points. He’s going to stop talking about himself in the third person now.  
  
I don’t know what to say about all that talk about bravery. I didn’t know you thought so much about it. I didn’t know you thought so much about me. Like, I know you listen to me and you love me, but the idea that you’ve been paying attention to me for so long almost makes me nervous or something. I feel... perhaps conspicuous is a good word for it. I don’t really like thinking about people noticing me. If I can keep a low profile I can greatly minimize public embarrassment and whatnot.  
  
It’s weird because hearing that you remember so much about my demeanor from that first week at open mic night makes me feel so happy and at the same time very shy. I was terrified that night. And I really couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I remember you walking in and I thought you were beautiful. I may have even used the word ethereal, at least in my head. The idea that you saw me and noticed me, when I all I wanted in the world was to be invisible, makes me feel a lot of stuff that I can’t articulate at the moment. And I wanted to talk to you so much when I ran into you by the bathroom and my mouth was just … not working. But after that, I told Matt all about you and how you were so nice to me and how you complimented us and how I was going to talk you if I could just get up the nerve.  
  
Wouldn’t brave have been talking to you that night? Or one of the other nights? Or that windy day in the street? I guess I don’t know the answer, but that’s how it seems to me.  
  
And I see what you mean about my dad. And I agree on the scale of him too me, I’m the braver one for meeting him on his terms. But I’m not necessarily afraid of him anymore. At this point in my life, I don’t fear him in the least. I don’t think he would ever dare try to hit me, particularly with Cooper there. (Cooper’s definitely coming, by the way, I found that out a little while ago.) I mean, the man hasn’t laid a hand on me in years anyway, not since I was like 14 or 15. So if being brave is doing something even if you fear it, that wouldn’t exactly be right in this case. I’m hesitant, apprehensive, but not fearful.  
  
YOU’RE afraid of ferris wheels dumbass, not me. Not to mention that in the moment, I didn’t have to fear rejection because you had already brought up kissing. You’re the one who was like “I’ve been thinking about kissing you and so on and so forth, ramble, ramble ramble.” And then you were taking too long, so I had to do it myself. Also, kissing was a much less scary prospect for me than making conversation.  
  
As for my speech... shrug. I guess I can kind of, maybe, almost see how asking for help is brave. And telling people, particularly you, especially so early on in our relationship, was scary. So maybe, I’ll let you call me brave when it comes to speech therapy. But mostly I still just feel embarrassed that I have to go. I’m feeling better about the results all the time (even though I’m pretty sure I’m currently plateauing), but I still hate that I need it in the first place. I also get kind of pissed at myself for not trying harder as a kid because maybe by now it wouldn’t still be an issue. I don’t know. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. I have so many other thoughts and emotions about my speech that feeling a little bit brave about asking for help with it is kind of a moot point.  
  
Ok. Enough contrariness for one evening.  
  
Love you, write back soon.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Rachel  
Date: Mon, Jan 19th, 12:39 am  
Subject: Re: Blainers  
  
I think I’m way more worried about you than I am about Blaine. I’ve never heard you talk like this Kurt. You’ve only wanted to go to Paris for a million years and you’re going to let some boy keep you from having fun? (Fine, he’s not just “some boy” but I’m just trying to make a point.)  
  
You’re there for *you* and whether or not Blaine is okay really shouldn’t be your main concern. He has all of us here to look after him, and he doesn’t really need looking after from thousands of miles away. Not to mention that he’s 20 years old and doesn’t actually need “looking after” period. He loves you and I’m sure he’s going to miss you a lot, but I don’t think that should affect your trip.  
  
You were seriously spiraling when you wrote that email and I’ve decided to assume that it was exhaustion fueling such serious emotional insecurities. I’m worried that you’re feeling like this so early on. I really hope it’s the just the jet lag talking and you’ll get over it.   
  
Let me know if you need to talk. We could Skype or whatever. Try to forget what’s going on here and have fun while you’re *there.*  
  
While you’re in Paris, try to keep your mind in Paris. We’ll all be waiting patiently when you get back. Blaine included.  
  
Love you!  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Mon, Jan 19th, 12:57 am  
Subject: Please forgive me!  
  
I was teasing you about the cupcake thing. You know that right? It wasn’t weak. I wouldn’t have minded if you didn’t leave me any cupcakes!  
  
Because you left me chicken. And you understand that chicken soothes me.  
  
It’s all about the chicken, Kurt.  
  
<3 <3 <3


	3. Chapter 3

_January 21_  
 _@ 12:02 pm_  
  
Blaine: KURT  
Kurt: BLAINE  
Blaine: HI. :D  
Kurt: Hiya  
Blaine: Can this be a standing date?  
    Are you gonna be around at this time on Wednesdays?  
Kurt: yeah, I should be  
    is this usually going to be a good time for you?  
Blaine: I don’t have anything until work at 2:30  
    so perfect-o time for me  
Kurt: do you want to try Skyping?  
Blaine: I’m actually at the library  
    because I didn’t know you’d be around  
    but maybe next week?  
    I’ll make a point of being in my room  
    and we can try it?  
    hopefully I won’t psych myself out too much between now and then  
Kurt: sounds good. :)  
    I miss you  
    a lot  
    a lot  
    a lot  
    times a flobbity jillion  
Blaine: I miss you infinity  
    so I win  
Kurt: eye roll  
Blaine: I HAD THE BEST MORNING  
Kurt: really?  
Blaine: Yeah, I went to my ASL class for the first time  
    and there’s a NO VOICE policy Kurt  
    we’re not allowed to talk at all  
Kurt: wow, I don’t think I’d be able to do it  
Blaine: ah but  
    I can totally do it  
    it’s like the best news ever  
    if I had known that I wouldn’t have to talk at all  
    I would have taken sign language … well, my whole life. :)  
Kurt: Yeah, that does sound kind of perfect for you  
Blaine: oh, I’m sorry  
    I’m so stupid  
    I haven’t even asked you how things are with you  
    That’s what happens when I’m excited  
Kurt: no reason for sorry poophead  
    you’re thrilled by the prospect of not having to talk  
    I get that :)  
    I’m fine  
    confused (new city, different language)  
    tired (jet lag out the ass, starting classes)  
    amazed (Paris is pretty much everything I expected)  
    missing you (pretty self explanatory)  
Blaine: aw, I’m sorry about the confused and tired and missing me  
    I could try to be less missable, but I don’t have any control over the first two  
Kurt: How on earth would you go about being less missable?  
    I’d like to see you try.  
Blaine: Um. I’m sure there’s a way.  
    I could be a gigantic dickhead  
Kurt: see you say this stuff, but I don’t think you actually know how to do that  
Blaine: well, I’ll just have to read “How to be a gigantic dickhead for dummies”  
    and get back to you on it.  
Kurt: yes, good  
Blaine: I’m going to really try to be less missable for you Kurt  
Kurt: I know you will  
    so tell me more about sign language  
Blaine: There’s not a ton to say yet  
    It’s awesome that I don’t have to talk  
    the professor’s deaf  
    which is interesting  
    so she handed out the syllabus and it explained a lot  
    and then we played a game  
    where we passed a ball around the room  
    and if you missed it you were out  
    so you had to really pay attention to who was throwing  
    I never got out. :)  
Kurt: could you be any cuter?  
Blaine: mmmm. no. probably not  
    OH! And remember that chick from the diner on our first “date”?  
Kurt: Crazy Hair?  
Blaine: YES. She’s in my class.  
    I’m pretty sure it’s her  
    But I think she finally got a deep conditioner and a new stylist  
    so I’m not 100% sure  
    if it is her, her hair’s a lot less crazy  
Kurt: What’s her name?  
Blaine: I dunno  
    we didn’t do names in that class  
    it’s like nobody has a name  
    why?  
Kurt: Just being nosy  
    perhaps her name is Frizzy McCrazyhairpants or something  
Blaine: McCrazyhairpants, is that Scottish or Irish?  
Kurt: It’s muppet  
    and half Swedish  
Blaine: Oh well that makes sense.  
    are you ok?  
    I know it seems kind of weird that I could sense this through im’s  
    but I feel like you’re … off  
Kurt: I *am* a little off  
    just the tired, confused, missing you thing  
Blaine: are you lonely Kurt?  
Kurt: I think I am a little  
Blaine: I’m sorry  
Kurt: It’s not your fault  
    I guess I just feel a little out of sorts right now  
    but I think it’ll get better when I feel more settled  
Blaine: ok. I hate not being able to do anything to help you  
    or at least hug you  
Kurt: I wish you could hug me too  
    I didn’t expect this to be so hard  
    actually, I didn’t expect this to be hard at all  
    not even at first  
    but that was kind of dumb of me  
    of course there’s going to be a period of adjustment  
Blaine: Of course  
    it’s like the first couple weeks of college  
Kurt: see, I was fine immediately in college  
    I guess that’s why I’m surprised about this  
Blaine: ohhhhh  
    I was not fine immediately  
    but it didn’t take long until I was fine  
    mostly thanks to Matt  
Kurt: seriously, where would you be without Matt?  
Blaine: ha. Probably Ohio  
Kurt: really?  
    huh, it was a rhetorical question but now I’m intrigued  
Blaine: I don’t know  
    I mean, maybe I would have found someone else  
    another friend  
    but having Matt around right from the start  
    made everything easier and better  
    if I didn’t have him, maybe I would have transferred home  
    I bet I would have never met you  
Kurt: because Matt forced you to take a class online?  
Blaine: oh, true  
    hmm  
    You know what, no,  
    I’m sticking with I bet I would have never met you  
    I would have gotten too nervous and stuff during my first semester  
    and there’s no way I would have ever gone to open mic night  
    I would have transferred to OSU and just commuted from home  
    I would have never signed up for an NYU online summer class  
    if I no longer went to NYU  
    so yeah.  
Kurt: so we have an awful lot to thank Matt for in that case  
Blaine: yes. yes we do.  
Kurt: I should send him an edible arrangement or a balloon bouquet  
Blaine: You should :)  
    you should sign my name too  
    I think I owe him an awful lot  
Kurt: so, how are you?  
Blaine: honestly? I don’t want to sound like a dickhead (or maybe I do?)  
    but I’m good  
    classes are good  
    work’s good  
    people are good  
    I miss you like WHOA, but that’s not unexpected  
Kurt: so, what you’re telling me is that you’re good  
Blaine: yes. Sorry. I didn’t mean to beat around the bush  
Kurt: so, what people are good?  
Blaine: mostly Matt and Kerry  
    I haven’t actually seen anyone else since Sunday  
    but we’re all kind of busy with the start of the semester  
Kurt: I’ll tell Rachel to text you  
Blaine: Don’t you dare!  
    I don’t need you setting up playdates for me  
Kurt: I love how offended you just got  
Blaine: I am offended!  
    You’re not my mom  
    I’m not really offended, but you know what I mean  
Kurt: I know what you mean  
    and I won’t tell Rachel to invite you over  
Blaine: good. I don’t want her to invite me over just because you’re guilt tripping her  
    I want her to invite me over because she’s my friend  
Kurt: blergh. too endearing. does not compute.  
    you could text her you know. Or Puck.  
Blaine: I know  
    but  
    I don’t want to bother her. Or Puck.  
    they’re busy, it’s ok  
    I don’t mind.  
Kurt: Blaine  
    are you being shy?  
Blaine: um. yes. duh.  
    are you shocked?  
Kurt: BLAAAAAAAAAINE  
    you don’t have to be shy  
    they really do like you  
Blaine: I know. I just get a little nervous about going there without you there  
Kurt: would it help if I told you not to be nervous?  
Blaine: not really. you know.  
    I’ll get over. I just need a little while  
Kurt: ok, stop being an assclown  
Blaine: hmm. your powers of persuasion leave something to be desired  
Kurt: if you think of some way I can help, let me know  
    oh! I’m sorry I never wrote back to your email  
Blaine: not a big deal, I figured you’ve been busy  
Kurt: I was just waiting for a time when I could really focus  
Blaine: I understand  
Kurt: I pretty much slept all day on Monday  
    and then yesterday was running around, finding stuff  
    getting “acclimated”  
    trying to figure out the details  
Blaine: Kurt, it’s cool. :) I totally understand  
    I hadn’t even really thought about it  
    I thought about you, but I wasn’t losing sleep over why you hadn’t written back to my email  
Kurt: Ok. Good. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t care or something  
Blaine: I solemnly promise that I know you care.  
Kurt: As for the email  
    I really do think you’re brave  
    even if you refuse to acknowledge it  
    I will shout it from the Parisian rooftops  
    Blaine est le plus brave homme que je connais.  
Blaine: I’m pretty sure you just dishonored my mother  
Kurt: I said “Blaine is the bravest man I know.”  
Blaine: blushing font  
    and you have got to be shitting me font  
    yes go shout that from the rooftops  
Kurt: I think I will  
Blaine: NOOOOO  
    come back!  
    I want to talk to you more  
Kurt: Ok. I’m back :)  
    no more rooftops  
Blaine: phew  
    so Kurt. Are you making friends, hm?  
    being nice to people?  
    Not snarking on strangers too much?  
Kurt: It’s weird because I thought for sure I’d know more people here  
    there are a couple familiar faces, but I don’t actually know anyone  
    but there’s a meet and greet thing on campus in an hour  
    so I’ll go to that  
    and everyone will fall desperately in love with my charming personality  
Blaine: NO BEAUTIFUL PARISIANS  
    and only platonic love  
Kurt: fine, but you’re no fun  
    you and your monogamy  
Blaine: I’m very old fashioned that way  
    a one fella kind of fella  
Kurt: There’s a girl who lives next door  
    she seems nice  
    and in one of my classes there’s a guy who was in my seminar last semester  
    who was never tooooooo stupid  
    and he was always willing to eye roll with me when people got ridiculous  
Blaine: see, you’ll have friends in no time!  
Kurt: The weird part is sharing a bathroom with all these people  
    I mean, I shared the dorm bathroom freshman year  
    but I’ve gotten very used to only sharing with Rachel  
    and while her regimens are lengthy, they’re all very routine and planned out  
    I’m used to her weirdness  
    her weirdness and my weirdness coexist beautifully  
Blaine: yes, you’re both beautiful weirdos  
Kurt: exactly  
    but these people, they have no routine, no regimen!  
    at least I have a shower in my room and a sink, but there’s no mirror over the sink  
    maybe I need to go buy a mirror to put over the sink  
Blaine: yes, go to the French version of Bed, Bath & Beyond and buy a mirror  
    it sounds like a solution to me  
Kurt: so what about your other classes?  
    anything standout?  
Blaine: definitely not  
    though I’m taking the second half of Human Development with Natalie  
    I’m sure that’ll be good  
    of course there’s another presentation  
    but I feel like a completely different person from when I gave that presentation in October  
    so that’s good  
    I don’t think I’ll be panicking about it or anything  
Kurt: You are kind of a completely different person  
Blaine: Hmm. I am  
    And I blame you  
Kurt: that’s cool  
    I’m happy to take full responsibility for your newfound awesomeness  
Blaine: you would too  
    and you wouldn’t give me any of the credit  
    or Chad  
Kurt: Yes, I’m going to hog the limelight of your new found fluency  
    as if it were my own  
    and let’s be honest here poop  
    it’s not like you realllllly want the limelight anyway  
Blaine: true. too true.  
Kurt: you know that was in teasing font right?  
Blaine: yes, Kurt, I know.  
Kurt: hey, who said you could borrow my fond exasperation font?  
Blaine: lol  
    I love you  
    I miss you so much  
Kurt: I know  
    this sucks  
    I wish I was there  
Blaine: I wish you were here too  
    (I would say I wish I was there, but I don’t know French.)  
Kurt: AHHHH.  
    You make my heart hurt  
Blaine: YOU MAKE MY HEART HURT  
    AND MY FACE FROM SMILING  
Kurt: why are you yelling Blaine?  
Blaine: Because sometimes it’s just time for yelling  
Kurt: Is that your new motto?  
Blaine: yes. I’m going with yes  
    I’m going to become a yeller  
    some people talk, chat, prattle, jabber  
    BLAINE YELLS  
Kurt: you’re cute  
Blaine: NOOOOO. I’m angry.  
    and I YELLLLLL  
Kurt: You never yell  
Blaine: NOW I YELLLLLLLL  
Kurt: Blaaaaaiiiine  
Blaine: I know.  
    I just I feel like I have so much I want to tell you  
    but it all can’t be consolidated into im  
    or even phone (eventually)  
    I want to be right next to you  
    and hold your hand while I talk  
Kurt: Now I’m saaaaad  
    well, I’ve been sad  
    but now I’m sad about the way you’re sad  
    and because you’re sad  
Blaine: I thought we were going to stop being sad?  
Kurt: We were, but that only lasted until I left  
    now we can be sad because I’m gone  
Blaine: this is all terrible  
Kurt: yes terrible  
    and dumb  
Blaine: We need to try to make this less terrible and dumb  
Kurt: it’ll become less terrible and dumb over time hopefully  
Blaine: that’s true  
     I have to get ready for work now  
Kurt: boooooo  
    ok go to work  
    be a productive part of society  
Blaine: I will, dammit  
    and you can’t stop me!  
Kurt: Um. I know. That’s why I told you to go  
    also, I need a sugar daddy  
    since I’m not working right now  
    I’ll be broke by the time I get home  
    save up all your money so you can take me out  
Blaine: Hmmm. That’s a good idea.  
    I think I’ll do that.  
    it’s the least I can do for you  
Kurt: Blaine I was joking  
    you don’t have to save up all your money to take me out  
    just give me the scraps and leftovers of your food  
    I’ll be fine  
    I’ll muddle through on pizza crust  
Blaine: man can not live on pizza crust alone  
    I shall also allow you to nibble on bits of leftover chicken  
Kurt: you are such a kind hearted fella  
Blaine: I know. I’m benevolent.  
Kurt: so three days down  
Blaine: 129 to go  
Kurt: we’ll do this  
Blaine: I love you  
Kurt: I love you tooooo  
    I’ll email you tonight after my meet and greet  
Blaine: you don’t have to if you’re busy!  
    I’m a very understanding fella  
Kurt: I know, but I will  
Blaine: alright  
    bye Kurt :(  
Kurt: Bye Blaine


	4. Chapter 4

_January 25_  
 _Folder 2_  
 _password: lessthan3chicken_  
  
 _You're an abacus_  
 _And my heart was counting on us_  
 _Your heart's got a heavy load_  
 _There's still a long way to go_  
 _Keep your eyes on the road_  
  
Adrift by Barenaked Ladies  
  
I was thinking about writing you a song, Kurt. Actually, I was thinking about writing you 19 songs, one for every week you’d be away. I even started a couple times but nothing quite worked. I couldn’t consolidate all of my feelings into something singable. I realized that even if I want to believe that the way I feel about you is entirely unique, people have been singing about love and goodbye and longing for pretty much all of eternity.  
  
Instead of writing you 19 songs, I decided to sing you 19 songs. I’ve given a lot of them a different feel than the original version. Some of them I played on the piano, some on the guitar. Sometimes I made Matt help me out, much to his chagrin. I recorded a few just with vocals and I recorded a few with video. But they all mean something and I made sure to take the time with each one and write down what they mean to me or why they remind me of us or how they make me think of you.  
  
When I started looking for songs that would work for this flash drive, Adrift was the first one I found. It made me think about you leaving, but also about you coming back. And really, any song that has the phrase “the phone makes me cry” is too perfect not to sing to you.  
  
This is where the soundtrack of our semester apart begins. Listen on and I hope you like it.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Blaine is walking to speech therapy 8 days after Kurt’s departure. It’s a shockingly pretty afternoon for January in New York and he feels completely... ok. He’s not particularly sad, at the moment, and there’s nothing quite like sunshine to warm you up and make you smile. Blaine always feel happier when it’s sunny.  
  
He’s been sort of … gingerly poking at the idea of Kurt really being gone, almost like the thought itself is a bruise in his mind.  
  
After the initial sadness, his “missing Kurt” feelings have settled into “somewhat manageable missing Kurt” feelings, so that’s good he thinks. And he knows he won’t necessarily feel the same way the whole time Kurt’s away, but for now he’s ok, which is really all Blaine wants to be.  
  
Over the past week, he’s made sure to keep himself busy. With classes starting and working 4 days a week this semester, it’s not a difficult feat. He didn’t schedule any sessions with Chad last week, because he wanted to have his schedule worked out before adding his two hour long weekly sessions with Chad into the mix.  
  
So, he’s very much looking forward to speech today. He wants to tell him about how Kurt’s departure and he can’t wait to talk about the “no voice” policy in his sign language class. Chad is definitely going to understand Blaine’s enthusiasm about it. He’s looking forward to talking about NOT talking. Blaine is amused by the irony of it all.  
  
He knows it’s a good thing he’s seeing Chad today. He’s been spending far too much time in his own head since Kurt left. The only people he’s really spoken to are Matt and Kerry. He knows he should make a point of getting in touch with Kurt’s friends and he meant to all weekend, but he was just worried. Blaine hates bothering people. He hates the feeling of forcing someone to hang out with him. This weekend, he promises himself that he’ll at least text Rachel. Mostly because he knows if he doesn’t, Kurt’s going to end up doing something embarrassing, like telling Rachel to invite Blaine over.  
  
Blaine is on autopilot as walks, deep in thought, humming under his breath. His eyes are trained on the sidewalk ahead of him, so he doesn’t notice the familiar figure approaching from the opposite direction.  
  
~~~~~  
  
 _A moment of Tina_  
  
Tina would have never guessed Blaine would look quite so different walking down a street than he had in Rachel’s basement a few weeks ago.  
  
He’s smaller out here in the world somehow and obviously doesn’t want anyone to notice him. She almost feels like she shouldn’t interrupt whatever train of thought he’s currently working on, but it would be downright rude to just let him pass her by.  
  
~~~~~  
  
“Hey, Blaine!” Tina calls brightly, as Blaine draws nearer to her.  
  
He’s startled out of his thoughts and looks around for a moment confusedly. He tries to smile, but he knows it’s comes out sort of pained.  
  
“Oh, hi. I-I-I mm-mm-mm-me-mean, hey.” He tries not to berate himself for being so awkward right from the start. Usually if he can get off on the right foot around people things go smoother. Today doesn’t appear to be a smooth day though. He was caught off guard, and that never bodes well for him. Regroup, Blaine, he tells himself.  
  
“How’s it going?” she asks.  
  
“Nothing.” Blaine winces and his neck jerks.”I-I-I-I-I-I.” He pauses, canceling his block and tries again. “I thought you ww-ww-ww-wwww-ere going to ss-ss-ss-say ‘what’s up.’ That’s ww-why I sssss-said nah-nah-nah-nothing.” He shakes his head and blushes. This is bad and getting worse. “Sorry.” He adds, blinking in a way he can’t control.  
  
“No big deal,” Tina replies with a shrug and a kind smile.  
  
He swallows a couple of times, unsure of how to proceed and pretty pissed off at himself for being so nervous. On New Year’s Eve, he had immediately felt comfortable around Tina. He had appreciated her confession about her fake stutter, despite the fact that it could have been a thorny topic, and was at ease around her. But somehow here, unexpectedly on the street, her presence is jarring and making him feel out of sorts.  
  
He wants to gain some control of himself in the situation, but doesn’t know what to say. A quick glance at her face tells him he’s starting to make her a bit uncomfortable. He bites his lip and looks at the ground.  
  
“I was just going to see Rachel at work,” Tina gestures off in the direction of the coffee place. “Would you like to join me for some delicious employee discount coffee?” Tina feels weird about how formally that sentence came out. Apparently she’s a sponge for other people’s awkwardness and discomfort.  
  
“Oh. Uh. Nah-nah-nah,” Blaine pauses and huffs out a breath of steam into the cold air. “No thank you. I-I-I-I have an... appointment.”  
  
“Ok. Maybe next time?” Tina asks hopefully. She was sort of planning on being friends with Blaine. She thought they hit off quite well on New Year’s Eve and with both of their significant other’s away, she thought maybe they could develop a friendship. Not to mention that they’re both obviously shy, so they have that in common. Although she’s quickly realizing that both of them being shy isn’t going to get them anywhere. And she’s going to have to be the bold one in the friendship.  
  
She looks over at Blaine, who’s currently trying to make himself look even smaller. He makes a pained face.  
  
“I-I-I...” he stops and starts again differently. “Mmmmmy appointment rrrrr-rrrrr-right now is spah-spah-spah-eech therapy.” Blaine felt like he needed to confess, mostly because he didn’t want her to think he was blowing her off.  
  
“Ok,” Tina responds, not entirely sure where Blaine’s thought process is going right now.  
  
“I’d like to get coffee www-www-with you ssss-ssss-sometime. Buh-buh-buh-but right now I have to go to spah-speech.” He clenches his fists at his sides, feeling even more embarrassed. He’s not sure why he didn’t just say it from the beginning.  
  
“Ok,” she says again, still not sure what he wants her to say.  
  
“I-I-I was … embarrassed to tell you,” he says the last part in a rush. Then he shrugs and quickly glances at her before turning his attention to the taxi passing them on the street.  
  
She gets it now, he wasn’t being vague, he was embarrassed. And this small detail of information is probably Blaine’s way of letting her know that he’s trying.  
  
“I kind of already knew you went to speech therapy. I mean I didn’t know that’s where you were going right now. But I know that you go.”  
  
“Oh. Ok. Yeah. It’s nah-not like it’s a ssssssecret. Obviously, mmm-my sss-spah-peech is terrible,” Blaine rolls in his eyes in self-deprecation.  
  
“No!” Tina says quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that. Puck or Kurt or somebody mentioned that you went. It’s really not a big deal.”  
  
“It’s wah-weird that I-I-I have to go. I-I-I-I-I dah-don’t like that I have to go,” he says softly, looking at his feet.  
  
“Blaine. It’s ok. I think it’s great that you go, that you’re working on it,” Tina states firmly, feeling like the sentiment is stilted and forced, but also knowing that she had to say something along those lines.  
  
After a minute, he sighs and shakes his head. “Can I-I-I-I-I, can I get a dah-do over? I was just... ssssssurprised to sss-sss-see you. And then I-I-I got worried about be-be-be-be-ing awkward and then I-I-I was wah-weird and...”  He shrugs and lets out the breath he’s been holding.  
  
“Sure, let’s try this again,” Tina says with a smile. “Blaine. Do you want to get coffee sometime?”  
  
“Yes,” he responds, affecting a lighter tone. “That would be, be, be, be excellent.”  
  
“Cool. Let’s exchange numbers and next time I go, I’ll shoot you a text.”  
  
“Yes. Good.” They swap phones and put their numbers in.  
  
They say goodbye and Blaine almost feels ok about the interaction. If nothing else, at least he turned it around in the end.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Twenty minutes later, Blaine sits in Chad’s office explaining the blundering conversation he had with Tina.  
  
“It’s ss-so stah-stah-stupid bb-bb-because I’m fine now, talking to you, buh-but, I, I, I dunno. This was b-b-bad. This was like... really bah-bad. I beh-bet she nah-never texts mmm-me.”  
  
“Oh, dude. Story of my life,” Chad says with a knowing nod. “Women never text me. I’m terrible at the whole thing. Like spah-speaking to people socially.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure you could get your spah-spah-speech therapy license rrrr-rrrr-revoked for admitting to nah-not be-be-being perfect,” Blaine quips.  
  
“Go jump in a lake,” Chad says with a grin.  
  
“I-I-I think I mmm-might do that.” Chad and Blaine have a running joke about how people who stutter should never say “shut up” to each other for fear of the other person taking it seriously. So they make a practice of using the most arbitrary insults that they can think of to replace “shut up.”  
  
“At least she said she’d text mah-me. And I don’t have to dah-dah-drive myself crazy trying to decide wwww-when to text her.”  
  
“Blaine. I have to ask. What exactly is the-the-the big deal with Kurt’s friends? They’re your friends too, you know. You spend a lot of time with them. Maybe you and Tina aren’t quite friends yet, but she obviously wants to be. Why not jah-just... let them in?”  
  
“Let them?” Blaine gives Chad a questioning look, as if this were a very perplexing concept.  
  
“Yeah. Let them be your friends. Be friends with them.”  
  
“I, I, I dah-don’t know wah-wah-what you’re talking about,” Blaine deadpans.  
  
Chad shoots him a put upon look, but then Blaine continues.  
  
“Fine, I-I-I-I know what you mmm-me-mean. I guess, I wah-worry, like wwww-what if Kurt told them to hang out with me while he’s gone? Buh-buh-ut they dah-don’t really want to? What if, what if ... I-I-I-I annoy them? They pppprobably dah-don’t really wwwwant to bah-be friends with me. I don’t mm-mm-mm-mind. I, I, I, it’s like, I ... dah-dah-don’t want them to hang out with me just for Kurt or be-be-because they feel bah-bah-bad for me or whatever.”  
  
Blaine didn’t look at Chad even once during his little monologue and Chad realizes that speech therapy wise this session isn’t going to be very productive. But this how it is with Blaine at times and part of speech therapy, particularly with adults, is going through the emotions that accompany their impediment. And Blaine has a lot of emotions. The good news is, he’s usually willing to share, if given the right circumstances and the time to get his words together.  
  
“From what you’ve told me about them, I think they really do want to be friends with you Blaine, whether or, or, or not Kurt asked them to hang out with you. And would that be such a ter-ter-terrible thing if he had asked them to? He’s looking out for you and he knows you’ll be lonely while he’s gone.”  
  
“I know. I-I-I-I-I rr-rr-rr-really don’t want … pity friendships though. I wah-wah-want r-r-rah-rah-reg-reg-ular friendships.” Blaine says this quietly, almost shamefully, as though it pains him to admit it.  
  
“Everyone wants friends. There’s nothing wrong with wanting friends. But you have to be a friend to ha-ha-ha-have friends. That’s all I’m saying.”  
  
Blaine nods in a way that makes Chad unsure whether he was really listening to anything Chad has said. “I-I-I feel like I’m in this rr-rr-really wah-weird place right now. Like I-I-I-I used to just... not talk bb-bb-be-because it was too hard. I-I-I didn’t have friends, but it dah-dah-didn’t really matter, be-because I, I, I couldn’t rrrrrreally talk to them anyway.” He stops and sighs, giving Chad a wan smile.  
  
“But...” Chad prompts, knowing there’s got to be more that Blaine wants to say, knowing that Blaine is probably only getting started in this train of thought. But Blaine doesn’t always have the fortitude to finish without a bit of prodding on Chad’s part.  
  
Blaine shrugs. “Buh-but now all of sudden I-I feel like I can talk, kind of, ss-ss-so I try to and it’s added this whole variable to mmmmmy life, where I-I-I say stah-stah-stupid things on top of having a sssss-stuh-stuh-utter. It was almost beh-beh-better when I wah-was too scared to even open mmmmy mah-mouth. Now that I’m less ssss-cared...” He stops and shakes his head, he’s so irritated with himself. He’s so tired of these problems. He’s 20 years old, he should have a better grasp on things by now. Basic things like how to talk to people and not look like a fool. “I-I-I guess I always thought that once I-I-I knew how to, to, to, to talk I would also know wah-what to ssssay.”  
  
“So what’s the deal? Why are you saying these quah-quote unquote stupid things?” Chad asks with a grin.  
  
Blaine thinks for a minute. “I-I-I guess, I guess I start talking and I rrrrrr-realize ss-someone’s listening and then I-I-I-I get nah-nervous and then... ss-stah-stupid.” He gestures towards his mouth and makes a face as if to say “and this dumb thing has a mind of its own.”  
  
“I doubt it’s that bad.”  
  
“Wah-weren’t you listening? Tina asked ‘how’s it going’ and I rr-re-re-replied ‘nothing.’ And she was nah-ice about it, but I-I-I-I wah-was just ssss-so fucking weird Chad. Like so wwwweird.” Blaine stares at his hands, shaking his head soberly.  
  
“I think you need to try, to be friends with them, with Tina pah-part-particularly. If she’s trying to be your friend, you should try too.”  
  
“Most people can... dah-dah-do this. Like mmmmm-mmmmake friends. I-I-I-I don’t know how,” a flush creeps up Blaine’s cheeks then. “I nah-never learned,” he huffs out a frustrated little breath.  
  
~~~~~  
  
 _A moment of Chad_  
  
And here we are again, at the crossroads of professional and personal.  
  
I don’t think there will ever come a time when this kid doesn’t make me want to hug him.  
  
Blaine can be so blind to everything he has, Kurt and Matt and all of these other people who either already are his friends or who want to be his friend. But I know explaining that to Blaine will be met with deaf ears. Blaine doesn’t know how to believe the best in people. He doesn’t look for the worst in them, but he can’t ever quite trust the best in them either.  
  
~~~~~  
  
“It’s not really something you can learn, Blaine. It’s just something that you ha-ha-have to do. And maybe you feel awkward, but take it one step at a time.”  
  
Blaine looks over at him, eyebrow raised.  
  
“What day do you have off frah-from work this week? Thursday?”  
  
Blaine nods, eyebrow still cocked, unsure of what Chad’s about to say.  
  
“Shoot her a text, tell her you’re frah-frah-free Thursday afternoon if, if, if she’d like to have coffee. If she says no, she says no. But if she says yes...”  
  
Blaine’s bobbing his head in assent and understanding.  
  
“That’s all it takes, huh?” Blaine’s not entirely sold, but he thinks he could actually do that. The text part at least, the actual going for coffee part may prove to be a challenge.  
  
“Yep. You could po-oh-oh-tentially make a friend just by sending a text. And isn’t that sort of how you got yourself a boyfriend? Why wouldn’t it work again this time?”  
  
Blaine smiles to himself. It feels good to have a plan.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Thursday afternoon, Blaine meets up with Tina at the usual place and they’re in luck because Rachel’s working, so they get her discount. Not to mention that Blaine doesn’t have to give his name.  
  
Blaine has a game plan, he’s going to ask questions. He has 3 or 4 all planned out and they’re all pretty open ended and with any luck Tina will talk his ear off and he won’t run the risk of being too stupid.  
  
As it turns out though, he only needed the one question, “How do you like the city?” to get her on her way. And then they have a conversation. An actual conversation. Where Tina talks and then Blaine talks and they laugh and then they talk more.  
  
They part with plans for Friday night at Rachel and Tina’s, she even insists that he bring Kerry and Matt along.  
  
This was a good idea. He’ll have to thank Chad.


	5. Chapter 5

_February 1_  
 _Folder 3_  
 _password: poodlesintophats_  
  
My mind is racing  
As it always will  
My hand is tired, my heart aches  
I'm half a world away here  
  
 _Half a World Away_ by R.E.M.  
  
Ok, so I know this song is like CRAZY RIDICULOUS SAD and not entirely appropriate for our situation, but I love it. I love how haunting it is and I know this is how I’m going to feel when you’re so very far from me. Sometimes it’s just nice to wallow in a sad song. I think sad songs are underrated usually and it’s important to get in touch with your emotions every now and then.  
  
Seems like a good idea to listen to this song and cry for a while. I think that’s what you should do right now Kurt. (You know I’m joking right? I hate thinking about you crying ever.)  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kurt has Blaine’s version of Half A World Away on repeat. He’s listened to at least 78 times since he downloaded it on Sunday night. It’s Tuesday, well past midnight (so technically Wednesday then) and he’s swimming in his loneliness. He was hoping to find Blaine online to chat with, but he must be at work. Kurt’s aware that he’s probably annoying his neighbors at this point, so he’s searching for his earbuds in his messenger bag when there’s a knock on his door.  
  
He’s been in Paris for 16 days but doesn’t feel like he’s making friends the way he expected he would be. Kurt’s aware that it’s just as much his fault as anybody else’s. He can’t shake the feeling that he just doesn’t quite belong here. But since he hasn’t really made any friends, he  even fathom who’s going to be on the other side of the door at 12:34 am. Probably just someone complaining about his maudlin musical selection.  
  
He opens it to find his next door neighbor, Julia, standing there, her eyes a little glassy with unshed tears and holding a bottle of vodka. They haven’t talked much, but she seems, if nothing else, perfectly normal and nice.  
  
“Hi?” Kurt says, his greeting more of a question than anything else.  
  
“Hi,” she chokes out before giving a swipe to her eyes. “I heard your music and it started making me sad and then I realized that you might be sad and um...” she shrugs her shoulders.  
  
“Missing someone?” Kurt fills in for her. He hopes he sounds sympathetic, rather than on the verge of tears himself. He gestures for her to come in and points at the bed for her to take a seat as she hands off the bottle of vodka to him.  
  
She laughs joylessly. “Yeah, something like that.” She sits gingerly on the bed, looking around briefly, but Kurt imagines her room looks pretty much exactly the same as his.  
  
“Homesick?” Kurt asks.  
  
“Understatement,” Julia replies. “And it’s just too pathetic to drink alone in the middle of the night.”  
  
“Absolutely,” Kurt agrees, looking for glasses and pulling out the small carton of orange juice he had picked up earlier. He looks over his shoulder as he starts pouring. “So, you seem a little worse off than me at the moment, do you want to go first?”  
  
“I miss my boyfriend,” Julia wails, as though just the question is too much for her to take. “And I feel like such a fucking jerk because I’m here in Paris and I should be having this amazing adventure and I’m all pouty because I just wish Derek was here.”  
  
“Same,” Kurt says, nodding. “Except swap Derek for Blaine.”  
  
She nods sympathetically and takes a few deep breaths. Kurt hands her a box of tissues and sets her drink on the table next to her. She says a muffled thank you and Kurt settles himself on the other end of the bed. Mentally praising himself for being meticulous about always making his bed.  
  
Julia and Kurt continue to commiserate for several hours, getting more and more intoxicated.  
  
“I just... I love him ya know? I think he knows. Blaine, he’s so smart. Such a good fella. And I’m just like it’s ok, I love you, you don’t have to talk right,” Kurt’s slurring a bit, he knows it. He hasn’t drank this much vodka this fast in … ever, really. Never ever.  
  
“What’s his talking right?” Julia asks, and then giggles as she puts her hand over her mouth. “Why doesn’t he talk right?” She’s not sure if that really makes any more sense.  
  
“OH! He stutters! And it’s really,” Kurt stops and smiles and sighs. “It’s so endearing and he thinks it’s bad, but it’s totally cute sometimes. I mean, sometimes it’s not cute cause I know he just wants to talk, but like, I just want to hug him all the time.”  
  
Julia nods. “Same. Derek and hugging.”  
  
“But Blaine’s also really handsome, sexy, hot. Pulchritudinous! That means physically beautiful.” Kurt says knowingly.  
  
“That word is so funny!” Julia laughs. “Oh, man. I’m so glad my vodka was lonely.”  
  
~~~~~  
  
They pass out on Kurt’s bed, sort of curled together but not really touching, for about an hour. When they wake up it’s just before 7, they’re both significantly hung over. Kurt heaves over his sink for a minute, though nothing comes up.  
  
“Oh dear lord, this is awful,” Julia is sitting up, scrubbing at her eyes with her hands. “Such a bad idea, Kurt.”  
  
“I agree,” Kurt rinses their glasses and fills them with water. He also hands her some aspirin.  
  
She mouths a thank you and then pops the pills and chugs the water. After that she stands and says she’ll stop by later if he wants to seek out some greasy food to aid with this blistering hangover.  
  
Kurt nods enthusiastically and then instantly regrets the motion. Then he waves goodbye and soon he’s passed back out on his narrow bed.  
  
~~~~~  
  
A moment of Julia  
  
I am never drinking vodka again.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Julia stops by around 4, both of them thanking their lucky stars that Wednesday is a light day for both of them. Kurt had a seminar earlier that he barely dragged himself to and then spent most of simply trying to stay in an upright position.  
  
They make their way to a small cafe where they order coffee and various bread pastries and pretty much pick up the conversation where they left it the night before. Missing boyfriends, missing New York, missing having a bathroom they don’t share with 15 other people. It turns out they both thought they were super proficient in French, until they actually got to Paris and realized that they speak like 2 year olds.  
  
They talk for a couple hours getting refills of their coffee and Kurt honestly feels better than he has since he left New York. Until he looks at his watch and it dawns on him.  
  
“Oh, shit!” he exclaims. “It’s Wednesday.”  
  
“Um, yes. I’m pretty sure we’ve established that,” Julia agrees sardonically.  
  
“I have a standing im date with Blaine on Wednesdays at noon his time and it’s already past 1 there. Shit, shit, shit. He’s going to think I forgot about him.” Kurt’s near tears at the thought of abandoning Blaine like that. They were supposed to try video chat today, too. This is bad. This is very not good.  
  
They pay their check and head back to their building. Kurt jogs into his room and opens his laptop. It searches for a connection for what feels like a year and then Kurt logs in to his email, finding a new message from Blaine.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Wed, Jan 27, 12:38 pm  
Subject: Where you at dumbass?  
  
Hey, I figure you just got busy/forgot. I’m not mad, I swear. Though I will be if it happens again. (I’m not a doormat ya know.)  
  
I probably won’t actually be mad. I’m sort of assuming it’s a time difference issue and I’m also hoping that you made a friend and at the last second they asked you to go out for dinner and you just forgot to let me know that you wouldn’t be able to make our date.  
  
In any event, I miss you like crazy. And I was going to stick around for another hour, but we had a blizzard that started last night and it’s still going on right now. So everything is closed, including NYU and work and all the schools in the city. The mayor declared an emergency and there are busses stuck on like every street. It’s crazy man. Crazy like The Day After Tomorrow crazy.  
  
And somehow Matt got a hold of the last sled on earth and well, I kind of want to go outside and play with him. And if we go now we might have a chance at laying some fresh tracks. (Yes. I’m going to “lay fresh tracks” in a donut shaped sled. Don’t mock me. I’m funny and you damn well know it.)  
  
Anyway, all this to say that I’m going out now, but I’ll be around later since I don’t have work. So maybe we can rendezvous then.  
  
Love you, miss you, hope everything is good!  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Wed, Jan 27, 8:04 pm  
Subject: Re: Where you at dumbass?  
  
AHHHHHH. I’m so sorry!!!  
  
Though you’re pretty much spot on with your assumption. I was out with my neighbor Julia and we were hungover and getting coffee and the time difference got the better of me and now I missed you!!! BLERGH.  
  
To be fair, I feel like it was the first semi decent conversation I’ve had since I got here. I find that I’m keeping to myself a lot, feeling like this experience is temporary or something. Like I wasn’t sure I even wanted to make friends. But Julia is nice and funny and has a boyfriend she misses in NY and she brought over vodka last night. Hence the vicious hangover today. You know vodka and I don’t get along very well.  
  
I also feel like I just don’t know French as well as I thought I did. There haven’t been any particularly bad incidents, but just a whole mess of little things that really make me question my fluency. I think it actually makes me understand your issues more Blaine. Not knowing if I’m saying the right thing and being vaguely unsure of how to say it is leaving me a bit unnerved and makes me love you just a little bit more.  
  
In any event, enough pity party!  
  
I’ll be around all this evening, so shoot me an email when you get back from laying “fresh tracks” and I’ll meet you on the internet.  
  
Love you, miss you, too. And I’m so sorry!!!  
  
~~~~~  
  
 **Hello?**  
  
 _[deep breath] Hi._  
  
 **Blaine?**  
  
 _[throat clearing] Yeah._  
  
 **Are you actually calling me or am I having a fever dream?**  
  
 _[chuckle] Nah-nah-nah-no. It’s mmmmmmmme._  
  
 **Why are you calling me?**  
  
 _I-I-I-I... your email? [sigh] You ss-ss-sss-sss-sssseemed sssssssad. Uh. Lonely?_  
  
 **Oh! Yeah. I guess I am a little. It’s getting better. I was sorely missing having a confidante. At home it feels like I have a million confidants and here... I didn’t have any.**  
  
 _Mmmm. [swallowing]_  
  
 **I’m more than a little surprised you called. Did I really say something all that sad? I feel like I barely remember that email. I took another nap after I sent it. Vodka makes me sleepy.**  
  
 _[chuckle] I-I-I-I-I. Just. Like, wah-wah-wah-www-what you ssssssaid? About understanding mmm-mmm-me. [throat clearing] My issues. I-I-I-I-I. I, I just … www-www-wanted to hear yah-yah-yah-yahhh-your voice. Mmmmmmmade me me me me mm-mm-mm-miss you._  
  
 **Ah. It really does make me think of you and what you struggle with. Maybe it even makes me love you a little more, which I sort of thought was impossible.**  
  
 _Rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-eading it mm-mm-mm-made mmmmme … want to be, to be, to be bah-bah-brah-brah-brave. For yah-yah-you._  
  
 **Whoops. There I go again, falling in love with you a little more.**  
  
 _[deep breaths] Love yah-you too. Wwwwwwish I wah-wah-wah-was … bbb-bbb-beh-beh-better at this._  
  
 **It’s ok. Blaine, it’s not a big deal at all. I love hearing your volce. I love your voice.**  
  
 _Lot of bb-bb-bb-blah-blah-blah-ocks._  
  
 **They’re just interludes. Nothing more. Nothing to be ashamed of.**  
  
 _Says you._  
  
 **Says me. I’m always right, remember?**  
  
 _And yah-yah-ou wwwwwwwwin._  
  
 **Always. You can win sometimes. But not all the time.**  
  
 _Half and half?_  
  
 **Seems fair. Although that’s not much of a competition if we each win half.**  
  
 _Like … t-bah-bah-ball. Everyone gets to to to to to try uh-uh-until they, like like, get a a a hit._  
  
 **Did you play t-ball Blaine?**  
  
 _Um. Yes. Pah-poorly._  
  
 **HA! You never told me that.**  
  
 _I-I-I-I-I-I am a mmmmmman of mmm-mys-mys-mystery. [sigh] I mmmmissed yah-your voice._  
  
 **I would say that I miss your voice, and I do, but I got a good deal on a flash drive full of you reading and singing. So I mean, it seems sort of unfair for me to say I miss your voice, when my cup runneth over.**  
  
 _Yeah. You d-d-d-d-d-dah-dah-didn’t leave mmmmmme yah-your voice._  
  
 **I guess I was hoping it would eventually drive you to call me. Looks like my devious plan worked.**  
  
 _Devious. [chuckle] I-I-I-I-I. [throat clear] I, I, I. [deep breath] Sorry._  
  
 **You’re not allowed to apologize anymore. Just stop it with the apologizing. I don’t know how many other ways to tell you that it doesn’t bother me. It never bothers me. I was just telling Julia last night it’s part of what makes you endearing. It’s part of what makes you you. So don’t apologize for being Blaine, because I like that guy an awful lot. He’s a good guy and works hard and he’s very brave. Now, say “Thank you, Kurt.”**  
  
 _HA! Thank you, Kurt._  
  
 **Seriously? Is this really a good time for impersonating me? I was being sincere.**  
  
 _Sssssso wah-wah-wah-was I. [swallow] Can wwwwe... [deep breath] mm-mm-mm-mah-move to im nah-now?_  
  
 **Sure thing, fella. Am I allowed to tell you I’m proud of you first?**  
  
 _If you muh-muh-muh-muh-must._  
  
 **I’m very proud of you Blaine. And I love you and I’ll meet you on im immediately.**  
  
 _Love you, too._  
  
 **I know, you wouldn’t be on the phone with me if you didn’t.**  
  
 _[chuckle] See ya._  
  
 **Soon**.  
  
~~~~~  
  
 _A moment of Kurt._  
  
Will he ever stop surprising me?


	6. Chapter 6

_February 8_  
 _Folder 4_  
 _password: iwaslevelheaded_  
  
Why’s it have to be this hard  
cause the past has left me with scars  
and I don’t want you to be another  
so excuse me while I walk away  
cause it’s easier than to say  
“Hi, how are you today?”  
  
[How Do I Say Hello by Chris Crump](http://soundcloud.com/shandyall/04-how-do-i-say-hello)  
  
This song. This stupid freaking song. The first time I heard it, I was confused that someone else had written a song about about the first time I ever saw you. It really expresses how I felt the first couple times I saw you, before I met you online. I mean, look at those lyrics Kurt! I almost feel too close to it really say much more about it. Luckily it’s fairly self-explanatory I think.  
  
This is also the first video file. I was having kind of a bad talking day, so I made signs. Now I feel like it’s kind of lame. I hope you like it.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Kurt hits play on Blaine’s video file. He sees Blaine sitting in his dorm room, guitar on his lap. Blaine smiles his shyest smile and licks his lips. He waves and holds up a sign that says “Hello” with a happy face drawn on it. Then he holds up a sign that says “I miss you and you haven’t even left yet.” Then he flips through several signs in succession. The first, “I really like this song.” The second, “This is how I used to feel about you.” The third, “Apparently I still have trouble saying hello.” The last, “But at least now I’ve found a way to tell you I’m thinking about you.”  
  
Then Blaine begins to play. He makes his usual “into the music” faces and his hands are steady while he strums the chords, even though just moments ago he was so obviously nervous. It’s one of the things that surprised Kurt early in their relationship. No matter how nervous Blaine was, no matter how shaky his hands might have seemed, as soon as he has an instrument in his hands he finds his confidence. Blaine is a musician, through and through.  
  
As the last notes fade, Blaine looks back at the camera and smiles his version of a cocky grin. Kurt can tell he’s proud of his performance.  
  
Kurt is flabbergasted by the song, by the sheer emotion of it and how very unbelievably perfect it is for Blaine and the way Blaine used to act. Blaine holds up a sign that says “I love you.” Then he blows Kurt a kiss and shuts off the camera. Kurt can’t help but blow a kiss back to the darkened computer screen.  
  
~~~~~  
  
A Moment of Kerry  
  
When I peek through the slightly ajar door to Matt and Blaine’s room, I see Blaine sitting at his desk with his earbuds in, getting very into a drum solo. I want to ask him to get dinner because it’s basically the perfect opportunity to continue Operation: Become Blaine’s Friend. Matt has class tonight and Blaine would probably end up at the dining hall by himself.  
  
But I also know he’s not great with being startled, so I take a couple steps down the hall and text him that I’m gonna stop by. He responds almost immediately with “Sure thing.”   
  
I knock on the door a minute later and stick my head in.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Blaine has taken his earbuds out and turns to smile from his desk. “Matt’s nah-not here,” he says, by way of greeting.  
  
“I know, I’m here to see you.”  
  
“Oh. Um.” He stands up then, hands fisted by his side, and he looks over at Kerry questioningly. “What’s up?”  
  
“Wanna go get dinner?” Kerry gestures towards the door, but she’s not entirely sure why. Blaine is going to realize that they need to go out to get dinner.  
  
“You don’t mm-mm-mind going wwwwww-with me?”  
  
“Blaine. I’m never going to understand why you ask questions like that. If I’m here and I’m asking you to go, doesn’t that seem like I want to have dinner with you?” Kerry says with a grin and raise of her eyebrow to soften the sentiment.  
  
He shrugs and looks away. He has a few things he’d like to say, but it’s all going to sound like pity party talk. He’d like to tell her that she doesn’t have to be nice to him just because he’s Matt’s roommate. He’d like to tell her that he doesn’t understand why she wants to be his friend.   
  
Instead he says, “I-I-I figured I-I-I’d check.”  
  
Kerry smiles again. “I solemnly swear I want to hang out with you.”  
  
Blaine smiles back at her as he gathers up his wallet and phone. He puts on his coat and the pair is out the door.  
  
While they wait for the elevator, Blaine asks Kerry what she’s in the mood for.  
  
“I was thinking Mexican. You like it, I like it and Matt detests it. So it seems like a good choice for a time when he’s not around.”  
  
“Ssssss-so you’re cheating on Matt wwww-www-with food?”  
  
“I am. I’m a wild woman like that, Blaine.”  
  
“Untameable,” Blaine agrees.  
  
Once in the elevator, Blaine worries about how stilted the conversation might be. He really does like Kerry, he finds her easy going and sweet and quite funny in her own quirky way, but she’s a chatter. She likes to keep up a conversation. And he has a feeling the Kerry is still under the impression that when Blaine is quiet it means that he doesn’t want to be her friend, when really it just means he’s being Blaine.  
  
Outside it’s almost too cold to talk. The wind is whipping through the surprisingly quiet city streets. Blaine and Kerry pick their way around the leftover snow drifts from last week’s blizzard and the icy puddles at the street corners.  
  
They enter the Mexican place that’s only a block from their dorm and Blaine looks around, taking in the possible obstacles in front of him. It’s the kind of place where you order at the counter and they bring the food to the table. There are a few other groups already seated and eating and no one in line. He’s only been here once or twice because Matt hates Mexican, so any time he gets it, he’s usually with Kurt. Kurt has lots of opinions about restaurants, so normally they go to the Mexican restaurant closer to his apartment.  
  
Kerry sees Blaine surveying the scene and she knows that this is always the hard part for him. He and Matt have a little system worked out and Kerry’s watched a hundred times as they stand in line and wordlessly communicate whether or not Blaine wants Matt to order for him.  
  
As Blaine scans the menu and the daily specials, Kerry moves close to his side and says, “I’m going to guess you want something involving chicken?”   
  
She’s not sure if she should come out and ask if he wants her to order for him; she doesn’t want to embarrass him. On the other hand, she’s honestly not sure if he’d be comfortable asking her for help, if he felt like he needed it.  
  
She makes sure to catch his eye and she nods her head toward the menu while making a little “me to you” gesture with her pointer finger like Matt always does. Blaine licks his lips and sighs and then nods.  
  
“Chicken … burrito?” Kerry asks him and he nods.  
  
“Ranchero style,” he leans over to whisper in her ear.  
  
They get their orders in, Blaine elbowing Kerry out of the way so he can pay for both of them.  
  
They take one of the booths towards the back of the restaurant and Blaine studies his hands.  
  
“Thank you for, for, for helping mmmmme.”  
  
“Any time,” Kerry says with a grin.  
  
He’s extremely embarrassed, but he’s not quite sure why. It’s not like Kerry hasn’t seen Matt help him in the same scenario a thousand times. It’s not like his speech is any secret to her. And really, burrito is one of his most dreaded words. He always has trouble saying it for some reason. It wasn’t even like he had to ask for help, she knew exactly what to do. He thinks it’s just that it always comes back to the fact that he even needs help in the first place.  
  
He knows his speech is a little... off lately. (Particularly on the phone. He really needs to work on talking on the phone.) Where he’d be making leaps and bounds with it leading up to Thanksgiving, he then plateaued a bit, which like Chad tells him, is to be expected. But it seems like because he isn’t talking as much lately, he’s not practicing enough, and instead of plateauing he might even be in a bit of a backslide.   
  
It’s not like Kurt’s the only person he talks to, he just happens to do the vast majority of talking to him. Not to mention that he took almost a month off from therapy between Christmas and the beginning of the semester and that doesn’t help either. But he knows he needs to start working on it more. And sitting here with Kerry is a good opportunity.   
  
“You rr-rr-rr-rr-really pah-pay a lot of attention to sss-stuh-stuff dah-don’t you?” When he realized that Kerry was doing exactly what Matt usually does, with the little hand gesture, he felt relieved. But it was also another moment where he felt a bit conspicuous. He would have never guessed she noticed their little asides or the small things Matt does to make these interactions run a little smoother.  
  
“I do,” she agrees.  
  
Blaine clears his throat uncomfortably. “Why?” When Kerry looks at him with her brows furrowed in confusion, he continues “Why dd-dah-dah-do you pah-pay so mmmm-much attention?”  
  
It’s Kerry’s turn to blush. “Well, honestly? I think you and Matt have pretty much the most amazing friendship on earth. I love watching the two of you interact. It’s like you’re always up to something in your own little Matt and Blaine world.”  
  
Blaine laughs at that and shrugs. “Matt’s amazing for sure. I-I-I-I-I’m always ss-suh-sur-surprised he even bah-bah-bah-others with mmmmmm--mah-me.”  
  
Kerry rolls her eyes. “I think I’m going to declare a moratorium on you talking like that about yourself.”  
  
“Moratorium! That’s an eh-eh-excellent wah-word.” He curses internally. He never stutters on e’s. Now he knows he needs to work harder, practice more.  
  
“I know about your word boner, Blaine.”  
  
Blaine whips his head up and looks at Kerry wide eyed. She returns the look with a smile.  
  
He leans across the table and whispers, “You just said boner.”  
  
“I know,” she whispers back, feigning a scandalized look.  
  
Their food comes to the table then and they start eating.  
  
“I’m not kidding about your friendship, Blaine. I know you think Matt’s amazing, but you’re pretty amazing yourself. And you’re a really good friend to him too. It goes both ways. Sometimes I think he likes you more than he likes me.”  
  
“Well, I-I-I-I’m very attractive,” he mumbles around a mouthful of guacamole and chips.  
  
“Obviously. And your beard is super sexy.”  
  
He rubs his chin with his free hand. “This old thing?” he asks. “It’s a ww-wah-work in pp-pp-progress. Just www-wah-wait Kerry. It’s going to be be be be even beh-beh-better sssssss-ssssss-soon.”  
  
Blaine is pleasantly surprised with how much fun he’s having with Kerry. He quickly got over his embarrassment of her having to help him and they fell into a great rhythm. It turns out that given some quality time, her nature reminds him a bit of Kurt’s. Not necessarily personality wise, but she’s not nervous, she’s not jittery. Her disposition is calm like Kurt’s. He finds himself saying that they should make a standing dinner date on Tuesday nights while Matt’s in class.  
  
She agrees and adds, “We’ll eat all the food he hates. Mexican, Asian fusion and the panini press place, too.”  
  
“I rr-rr-really dah-don’t understand www-wah-what he has against ppp-ppp-paninis. All I-I-I can ever get out of him is that he feels bah-bah-bah-bah-bad for the breh-bread.”  
  
Kerry rolls her eyes, but her smile is affectionate and Blaine returns it as they walk back into the frigid night air.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Chad, From: Blaine  
Date: Tues, Feb 10, 8:57 pm  
Subject: Here’s what I’m thinking  
  
I decided to email you this so that you have to hold me to it and I can’t wimp out.  
  
So, here goes.  
  
I want to try the adult intensive stuttering thing. Whatever it’s called. The 12 week night course. I think you’re right, I have to do more. I’m losing ground and my speech isn’t improving and I’m not practicing enough.  
  
Why is that all so hard to admit?  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Blaine, From: Chad  
Date: Wed, Feb 11, 8:48 am  
Subject: re: Here’s what I’m thinking  
  
[I will not say I told you so, I will not say I told you so, I will not say I told you so.]  
  
What’s a professional way of saying “I told you so”? Think of one and tell me when I see you tomorrow.  
  
All kidding aside, Blaine, it’s a good idea. I think it’ll help you, if only because you do need to practice more. It’s a low pressure situation, everyone’s in the same boat as you and they understand. And it’s hard to admit for a hundred reasons, but the important part is that you admitted it. Good for you.  
  
You know I’ve done it myself, we’ll discuss it thoroughly at your next session. I’ll check the dates of when the next class starts.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Fri, Feb 13, 1:38 pm  
Subject: A proposal  
  
I heard from a reliable source that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. And in honor of that fact, I’d like to do something for you.  
  
I’m around all day and I think we should try skyping. I miss your face, just like I knew I would and I think our first Valentine’s Day is a good time to try out this new communication method. So, you tell me what a good time is for you and it’ll be a date. And I promise to stay on for at least an hour.  
  
Also I’ll reveal the next password later tonight, because the folder contains a song for Valentine’s day this time and I want to make sure you have it.  
  
I’m going to your apartment tonight. Rachel’s having people over. This is only the second time I’m going since you left. I don’t really like it there without you. But you know Rachel, she’s fairly insistent about these things and everyone else is going too. Matt, Kerry, Puck. I mean how do I really say no to that? But there are going to be a bunch of people I only semi-know. I wish you were here with me.  
  
Love you. Miss you.  
  
~~~~~  
  
To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Fri, Feb 13th, 8:39 pm  
Subject: re: A proposal  
  
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I really, really, really love you.  
  
I love that you’re willing to test your boundaries and leave your comfort zone and do things you normally wouldn’t just because you love me.  
  
So, yes, thank you, Blaine. I accept your proposal. How about tomorrow around noon your time? I would say earlier, but you shouldn’t have to get up too early on the weekend just to talk to little old me.  
  
I honestly don’t think I could love you more right now and I really can’t wait to see your pulchritudinous face. :)


	7. Chapter 7

_February 14th_  
Folder 5  
password: allyouneedislove 

I don’t want clever conversation  
I never want to work that hard  
I just want someone I can talk to  
I want you just the way you are

_Just the Way You Are_ by Billy Joel

I thought long and hard about what song to put on here for Valentine’s Day. I think this one works on a bunch of different levels. For starters, the first time you ever heard me sing by myself it was Billy Joel. And obviously, I love you just the way you are. But what’s even more important is that I know you love me just the way I am. And that’s amazing Kurt.

I’m working to improve myself, sure, and it’s partially because of you. But I really do know that I wouldn’t have to change for you, that I can be myself around you, that I don’t have to be something I’m not when I’m with you. You make me feel loved, Kurt. You make me feel accepted.

I wish we could be spending our first Valentine’s Day together, but I don’t think it really matters. Everyday is Valentine’s Day when I’m with you. It’s corny, but it’s the truth. I hope you feel the same way.

~~~~~

_[Blaine smiles and waves]_

**[Kurt waves back.]**

_[Blaine holds up a sign that says “Happy Valentine’s Day!”]_

**[Kurt puts his hand over his mouth to stop from laughing and grabs for something next to his computer. He holds up a sign that says “I knew you would try to pull this shit.”]**

_[Blaine laughs so hard he falls out of his chair. He rights himself in front of the screen and scribbles furiously on the back of the other sign and then holds it up. “That’s not fair!! I want to hear your voice.”]_

**[Kurt flips his sign over and reveals the message “I’m not talking until you talk.”]**

_[Blaine gives him the finger.]_

**[Kurt shrugs makes a face that clearly reads “your loss.”]**

_Fuck._

**Fuck indeed.**

_You totally www-www-win this rrrrround._

**I know!**

_[Blaine smiles and looks away as he rubs the back of his neck. He feels exposed.]_

**[Kurt smiles] Holy beard, Blaine.**

_[Blaine touches his chin like he forgot that Kurt hadn’t seen it yet.] It’s good, rr-rr-rr-right?_

**It’s only been four weeks, how can it be that thick already?**

_If you think this is impressive, you should ssssssee mm-mm-mm-my abs._

**What’s up with your abs?**

_I’ve beh-beh-beh-been wwww-www-working out wah-with Matt. We’re dah-dah-doing the thousand ss-ss-sit up challenge._

**So, are you going to show me your abs or not? Don’t be a tease.**

_[Blaine looks around, as if someone might have snuck into his room in the last 3 minutes. He stands up and lifts up his shirt and flexes.]_

**[Kurt’s eyes go wide and he fans himself.] WHEW. That is really sexy.**

_[Blaine looks down at his stomach.] Stop joking._

**I’m not joking. You have like ABS. Like real abs. Like at least a four pack.**

_[Blaine smiles shyly and sits back down.] We’re also dah-doing the thousand puh puh-puh-push up challenge, buh-bbbb-but mmmmmmy arms aren’t nah-nearly as impressive yet._

**I’m sure they’re hot... Are you going to show me? [Kurt looks at Blaine expectantly.]**

_Next time. I have to ssssss-save sah-sah-some of the mmmmmmystery. [Blaine winks.]_

**Did you really just wink at me?**

_Yep. [Blaine bobs his head, uncomfortably.] So._

**So. What’s up? Did you have fun last night?**

_[Blaine nods.] I, I-I-I-I-I... [He blinks a dozen times and lets out a long breath.] I www-www-wish you were there. It wah-wah-was ok._

**Just ok?**

_Well, I mean, it just mm-mm-may-may-made mmmmme miss you._

**[Kurt sighs and nods.] Everything makes me miss you.**

_[Blaine nods.] I, I, I, guess I had fun though. I-I-I-I dah-dah-dom-dominated at quarters wwwww-with Matt._

**[Kurt makes a faux shocked expression.] Rachel swore up and down no one would ever again play quarters in our apartment after that night where she lost so many times in a row that she puked blue punch for the next 17 hours straight.**

[Blaine shrugs.] She lied. __

_**So you dominated huh?** _

__I-I-I have excellent hand eye coordination._ _

_**I’m aware of that. How’s sign language?** _

__Oh! I-I-I-I talked to Crazy Hair. Didi, her nah-nah-name is._ _

_**Didi?** _

__Yeah, we we we we we wwww-were pah-paired together in class one dah-dah-day and afterward, she asked mmmmmme my nah-name. [Blaine looks at his hands and inhales sharply.] I-I-I-I told her I ssss-stah-stah-stutter and she wwwwwas like [Blaine makes his voice nasally and effeminate.] “Oh! My name is like a stutter. DiDi!” And I-I-I wwwwas … confused. It was nah-nah-nice though, she’s nnnnnn-ice._ _

_**I’m glad she was nice to you.** _

__And pay-pay-patient, too. When I www-wah-was trying to sssssssay my nah-nah-name. [He punctuates this sentence with a sad little shrug and looks up at the camera again.]_ _

_**[Kurt’s smiling a bit wistfully. He wishes he could be there to give Blaine a hug.] I’m glad she was patient.** _

__She’s funny, quirky. Exactly www-www-what you wah-would guess from looking at her._ _

_**Sometimes you really can judge a book by its cover.** _

__She asked if I-I-I was ssssssstill with you, so I guess she rrrr-rec-rec-recognized me from the dd-dd-diner._ _

_**HA! Really?** _

__Yeah, she dih-dih-didn’t specifically mmmmention that nah-night, but she was like “Oh, I’ve seen you and your boyfriend around.”_ _

_**So, you talk to her a lot?** _

__[Blaine shrugs.] Not like all the time, or outside of class ever. Buh-uh-ut like sss-sss-sometimes._ _

_**[Kurt nods and smiles. He can tell Blaine is trying to downplay how excited he is about making a friend.] So, you just told her you stutter? Like out of nowhere?** _

__Yeah, Chad’s all about that lately. Advertising. Telling pppp-people upfront about your spah-spah-spah-speech is ssss-ssss-supposed to take the pressure off. In theory at least. It dah-dah-doesn’t exactly www-www-www-work for mmmmmme._ _

_**When did you get so jaded about this stuff? Wasn’t that you a couple months ago, bouncing with excitement about voluntary stuttering?** _

__Well, yeah. That’s wh-wh-wh-wh-when ssssssstuff was wwwwworking. The meh-meh-meh-methods. [Blaine clears his throat.] Nothing’s wwwwwww-ork-work-ing lately._ _

_**[Kurt nods his most sympathetic nod.] What does Chad think?** _

__That I nah-nah-need to wwwwwork harder, pp-practice mah-more. [Blaine rolls his eyes.] That wwwwwwithout you around I-I-I-I dah-don’t talk enough._ _

_~~~~~_

__A moment of Blaine_ _

_I should tell Kurt about the adult intensive class I signed up for but I feel like if it works, it’ll be a great surprise and if it doesn’t work, Kurt doesn’t need to know about my failure._

_Maybe I just won’t tell him for now. I can always tell him later._

_~~~~~_

_**Perhaps we should Skype more often? Could be good practice...** _

__Maybe._ _

_**You never want to give an inch do you?** _

__Never. [Blaine’s eyes are shining as he tries to hold in his smile.]_ _

_**You’re doing so well with it, though. [Kurt pouts.] No major blocks or anything.** _

__Fine, yes. You’re rrrrrrr-rrrrrr-right. I had sss-sss-several mmmm-medium sssssized ... ones though._ _

_**Pfft. Hardly even tiny ones.** _

__You’re too nah-nah-ice to mmmmme._ _

_**No such thing. Can we do this again? Next Saturday maybe?** _

__I’m going to be be be be ice fishing neh-neh-next Saturday._ _

_**Oh! I forgot about that! One day this week then?** _

__I’ll have to check mmmmmy wah-wah-work schedule. I-I-I-I-I-I think I’m working every day cause someone’s on vacation. And I ssss-swah-swah-witched one of mmmmmmy classes to a nah-nah-night class._ _

_**Are you being difficult for the sake of being difficult?** _

__Me? [Blaine makes an innocent face.] Do you have any afternoons free? Or wwwwwwe could ss-sk-sk-skype on Wednesdays wwwwwwwwhen we we we we we used to IM?_ _

_**Ok, that works.** _

__Can we we we still im sssssometimes? If … I-I-I-I-I-I’m having a nah-not ssso good spah-spah-ss-peech dah-day?_ _

_**Sure, we don’t always have to talk. Just because we have doesn’t mean we always have to from now on.** _

__[Blaine smiles, relieved that Kurt is always willing to meet him halfway.] How’s Julia?_ _

_**Good. We went out today. Celebrated our loneliness.** _

__What dd-dd-did you dah-do?_ _

_**It was a relatively nice day, sunny, cold, but pretty much the same as New York would be right now. So we got coffee and walked around one of the smaller parks. Pretty much just talking about what we would be doing, if we had our boyfriends with us.** _

__What ww-ww-ww-ww-would wwwwwwe bbbbbbe dah-doing, Kurt? [Blaine smiles and raises his eyebrows suggestively.]_ _

_**I don’t think we’d have this much clothing on.** _

__[Blaine blushes, smiles, scrunches his nose, looks away.]_ _

_**You pretty much just made the world’s most adorable facial expression. You looked like … too cute. I want to jump through this screen and maul you.** _

__[Blaine’s still blushing.] We should bb-bb-bb-be able to dah-do that bbbbbby now. It’s 2015, why can’t we we we we we jump through the internet?_ _

_**I think we need to work on that. You’re smart, I bet you could invent it.** _

__[Blaine rolls his eyes.] I, I, I, I think you nah-need mmmm-mah-more than a rrrrr-rrrrr-ridiculous knowledge of vocabulary to sssss-send people through cyberspace._ _

_**How do you know until you try Blaine?** _

__[Blaine sighs.] Alright, guess I-I-I-I-I-I’ll start writing code. You think that’s like, like, like C++ or Java?_ _

_**How the hell should I know? You’re the genius. Speaking of genius, this week’s song! It’s kind of amazingly fitting, considering you recorded it and wrote the blurb before we had the talk about me being worried that you’ll change so much that I won’t be able to keep up.** _

__I, I, I bet you’re nah-not wwwwwworried about that anymore. I’ll pah-prah-prah-ah-bably just change for the the the the worse._ _

_**Are you being mean about my poophead?** _

__[Blaine rolls his eyes, but then smiles.] Fine. I’m nah-nah-not changing for the ww-ww-ww-worse. And I-I-I-I-I-I agree about the ssss-ssss-song. It’s like I could s-s-s-s-s-see into the future._ _

_**If you could really see into the future, then you can find a way to download me from the internet so I could come over right now.** _

__I have a b... bah-bah-bad feeling about the dah-dah-dah-downloading people from the internet thing._ _

_**Oh yeah?** _

__I-I-I-I just dah-don’t think it’s r-r-r-r-realistic. I dah-dah-don’t wwwwant you to get your hopes up, be-be-be-be-because I-I-I-I don’t think it’ll happen in the neh-neh-neh-next 104 days._ _

_**I see what you’re saying. Too bad.** _

__[Blaine makes a “what are you gonna do about it?” hand gesture.] I-I-I-I-I went out for dd-dd-dd-dinner wwwwwwwith Kerry the other nah-night._ _

_**Oh, yeah?** _

__Yeah. It wah-wah-wah-was fun. She re-re-re-re-reminds mmmmme of you. Sort of._ _

_**Really?** _

__[Blaine looks to the side, gathering his words.] She has the ssssame di-di-di-di, [Blaine shakes his head] disposition as you. Calm, kind. Open?_ _

_**I thought I was snarky and bitchy, but I’ll accept those other adjectives.** _

__Well you are ssssssna-sna-arky and b-b-b-b-b-bitchy, buh-buh-but it’s tempered b-b-b-b-by your calmness and kindness. You’re innate ineffability._ _

_**Now who’s being too nice?** _

__It’s true! Did I-I-I-I-I-I ever tell you that … [Blaine starts blinking and gulping. No sound escaping from his lips. He can see himself in the small window in the corner. He forgot to put a post it over it. His eyelids flutter as he wills himself to speak.]_ _

_**[Kurt waits patiently, knowing that this one is actually a major block.]** _

__...nnnn. Nah. [Blaine clears his throat and shakes his head.] Sorry._ _

_**[Kurt shrugs.] No apologizing.** _

__[Blaine rolls his eyes again.]_ _

_**Also, no more eye rolling.** _

__[Blaine laughs.] Quite the rr-rr-rr-reh-reh-rep-rimand from the guy who who who who invented eye rr-rolling._ _

_**So, what were you going to say? I’m intrigued.** _

__[Blaine clears his throat, hoping he can get this thought out.] That nnn-nah-night, www-www-with the dd-dd-directions? I-I-I-I always mmmmmeant to tell you. [Blaine squints, feeling overwhelmed with the memories of all his various emotions from that night. He swallows.] I-I-I-I dih-dih-didn’t cry be-be-be-be-because of that guy or his duh-duh-duh-aw-ter. I cried bbbbbbecause you were so kind. To mmmme. [Blaine smiles nervously. He hates bringing up that night, but he wants Kurt to know that Kurt is kind, no matter what walls he might put up for the rest of the world.] So, you’re kind. You’re kind www-www-when it counts._ _

_**[Kurt puts his chin in hands and stares at Blaine.]** _

__What? [All that staring makes Blaine feel self-conscious.]_ _

_**If I can’t hug you, I’m just going to sit here and stare at you until you can feel my love.** _

__All I-I-I-I feel is you ss-sta-staring at mmmmmme._ _

_**That’s my love.** _

__No. That’s sss-staring._ _

_**Stop it. I’m showing you my love. Look at how much love is in my eyes. [Kurt moves his eyes right up the camera.]** _

__I-I-I can’t ssssssee your eyes. It’s mmmmmostly glare._ _

_**You’re the worst. I’m trying to be all … metaphorical and romantic and you’re all “but the glare.”** _

__Is that the beh-beh-beh-best impersonation of mmmmme you can dah-do?_ _

_**Yes. It sounds just like you.** _

__I-I-I-I’m glad I’m a w-w-w-why-why-whiny asshole in your head. [Blaine’s face betrays the fact that he’s not the least bit upset about Kurt’s impression.]_ _

_**You have no poker face, Blaine. There’s amusement pouring out of your eyes. Not to mention love. Maybe even some fond exasperation.** _

__Me! [Blaine places his hand on his chest.] I’m fondly exasperated ww-ww-with you? Never!_ _

_**Sometimes, yes.** _

__Sometimes, mmm-maybe._ _

_**Do you have any plans today?** _

__Not rr-rr-rr-really. I-I-I-I-I figured I’d let you ss-sta-sta-tare at mmmme for as long as I could possibly sssssstand. Then mmm-may-may-maybe go hang out wwwwwith Tina for a while._ _

_**Oh! You and Tina are getting along?** _

__Yeah! Actually... I-I-I-I-I like her a a a a lot._ _

_**I thought you would. You guys have similar dispositions.** _

__We dah-dah-do. That mmm-mmm-made it... hard at first. I-I-I guess cause we’re boh-boh-both shy?_ _

_**She used to be a lot shyer.** _

__Sssso did I. [Blaine grins.]_ _

_**Very true.** _

__Stop sss-stah-stah-staring at mmmmme._ _

_**I can’t!** _

__Stop it! Or... or, or. I-I-I’m covering the camera._ _

_**Fine. So what are you guys going to do tonight?** _

__I-I-I-I-I dah-dah-don’t know. Puck took Rachel to his nana’s condo in the Poconos for the nnn-nah-nah-ight._ _

_**Why doesn’t Puck ever take us to his nana’s condo in the poconos?** _

__I-I-I guess he just dah-dah-doesn’t love us enough Kurt._ _

_**[Kurt giggles at the wistfulness in Blaine’s voice.] So, what’s the verdict, poop? You like this more than the phone right?** _

__[Blaine nods vigorously.] Yes. This is mmmmm-much beh-beh-better than the phone._ _

_**I knew it! I knew it would be.** _

__You were rr-rr-right. I-I-I-I wah-was wrong. I should always r-r-r-re-remember your rules._ _

_**Yes, you should. But now you should win something.** _

__I should!_ _

_**I’ll think of something and let you know.** _

__I-I-I always www-www-win, too, actually._ _

_**How do you figure that?** _

__I-I-I www-win just be-be-be-because you’re my fella._ _

_**Oh! Cheesy Blaine! Very nice, but so very cheesy!** _

__I-I-I know. Buh-buh-ut you love mmmme for my cheese._ _

_I do, you’re right._

__And I-I-I-I love you even though you insist on sss-stah-staring at mmm-me. [Blaine can’t help but look at his hands.] It’s rrrr-rrrr-really wah-wah-weird to be be be be able to feel ssss-ssss-someone staring at at at you through a computer.

**Can you stare at me, Blaine? Please?**

_[Blaine glances up, eyes curious, but then sweeps his lids back down.]_

**I just really miss your eyes.**

_Ok. [Blaine blinks a lot, but he looks at the camera and stays like that.]_

**Even if we can’t jump through the internet, it’s sort of awesome that we can at least see each other.**

_[Blaine nods and smiles.]_

**Ok, you can stop. You’re right, that does start to get a little creepy.**

_I ww-win!_

**You win.**

_[Blaine does a little happy dance in his seat.]_

**What was that?**

_Mmmmm-my chair dah-dah-dance of joy._

**I love you.**

I love you, too.

**Do you want to stop talking?**

_[Blaine shrugs.] Not rr-rr-rr-really. Do you have anything you nah-need to dd-dd-dah-do? Am I-I-I-I-I-I keeping you from anything?_

**Not at all. I should eat dinner maybe.**

_And I-I-I should eat... buh-buh-br-br-breakfast._

**Blaine isn’t like 1 in the afternoon there?**

_Yes, buh-buh-but I-I-I wah-was grooming mmmmmyself for a very long time this mm-mah-mah-morning._

**Your hair looks like you’ve been electrocuted.**

_Ah buh-but, look at mm-mm-my toenails. [Blaine contorts himself so he can show Kurt his foot.]_

**[Kurt squints.] Are your toes... Bahama Mama red?**

_Yes! For you! For Valentine’s Dah-dah-day._

**I just. I can’t with you. You’re so...**

_Whimsical?_

**Amazing.**

_[Blaine giggles.] Or mmmm-maybe I’m just wah-weird._

**[Kurt wrinkles his nose and shakes his head definitively.] I’m sticking with amazing. I guess we better go eat.**

_No! Let mm-mm-mm-me just rrrrrrun and get a b-b-bay-bagel and come bb-bb-back!_

**Really? You want to talk more?**

_Yes! And you go and get sss-sss-something. I-I-I-I have all dah-day._

**[Kurt almost glows, he’s so happy.] Ok, I’ll meet you back here in 20?**

_YES!_

**Love you, see in a few.**

_Love you, too._

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Fri, Feb 20, 11:48 pm  
Subject: This week’s password

I decided to give you this week’s password early, since I’ll be away and who knows what time I’ll be back on Sunday.

I’m home now and things are really, shockingly good. Cooper’s staying over tonight because we’re leaving like crazy early in the morning. I should really be asleep already.

Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes.

This week’s password is: youweretheface. :)

Love you.


	8. Chapter 8

_February 22  
Folder 6  
password: youweretheface_

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only  
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms  
So come on and give me a chance  
To prove that I'm the one who can  
Walk that mile until the end starts

 _One and Only_ by Adele

I’ll freely admit that this isn’t really the perfect song to express my feelings. This song is in here mostly for the use of the word dare. I feel like it really appeals to our competitive side. I dare you Kurt, I dare you to let me be your one and only. (this is a joke. There are other lyrics in this song that I think apply to our relationship.)

Also, I tend be attracted to any song with lyrics like “I’ve been thinking of your face.” Because, you know, you were The Face in my head for so long that it’s a habit. And when I see your face, it never fails to make me happy.

~~~~~

Blaine gets in the car and is greeted by his mother’s smiling, expectant eyes.

“So. Now that I’ve got you all to myself, tell me the truth about the ice fishing trip.” His mom smiles.

Blaine heaves out a long sigh.

“Oh, jeez. Was it that bad?” she asks, as she backs the car out of the driveway.

“No, it ww-wasn’t really bah-bad. At all. It www-was almost fun. I mmmmm-mean some of it was bbbboring, bu-bu-but it wasn’t terrible.” Blaine leans his head against the seat. “It was just … ww-ww-weird.” His mom is driving him to the airport on Sunday night after the ice fishing trip.

They pull onto the highway and stop dead in traffic. “Well, if you want to talk it looks like we have some time,” she says gesturing at the sea of red tail lights. “Guess we should have checked the traffic report.”

Blaine nods and considers his words. “I-I-I-I just. I’ll nah-never understand why he’s dah-dah-doing all this now.” He turns in his seat. “Why nah-now, Mom?”

She purses her lips. “I think, unfortunately, it’s a better late than never scenario.”

“Dah-dah-do you think... that’s wah-what he thinks?”

“I know that’s what he thinks,” she says ruefully.

“I. I-I-I-I.” His problem still is that the more he wants to talk, the fewer words he can get out. Right now, he feels like talking. He has topics he’d love to discuss with his mom, but it’s like he wants it too much. He really wants to talk and that’s precisely when his speech rebels. He cancels the block, and tries again. “I nah-nah-ever want to rrrrrr-regret not giving him a chance. Buh-buh-but it … confuses me, mmm-may-makes me feel wah-weird. Be-be-be-be-cause it seems so out of nah-nowhere.”

“It is out of nowhere in a lot of ways. I’m not surprised you feel that way. I mean, even though I said I know he thinks it’s better late than never, I wish he had tried to fix things sooner. I wish I could have helped somehow.”

“I-I-I-I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“I-I-I-I-I-I thought you knew he hit mmmmme and that you wah-wah-wouldn’t, or maybe couldn’t, help mm-mm-me.”

She puts her hand over her mouth. The crawling traffic affords her the opportunity to take her eyes off of the road, and Blaine sees the disbelief and tears in her eyes when she turns towards him.

“You... thought I knew?”

He just nods.

“I never knew, Blaine. I had no idea. That’s why you didn’t tell me?” She puts her hand on his arm.

“Yeah. And I-I-I mean, I know wah-wah-we’re all talking about it nah-now like it was a huge dah-deal buh-buh-ut it was nah-never a huge deal to mmmm-mmm-me then. If that makes ssss-sense. He nah-never really... hurt me or hit mm-mm-me that hard. Buh-but it was just that when he did, it ww-wah-was always the worst possible mmm-mm-moment. The moment I needed pay-pay-pay-patience was always the time I wah-would get hit.”

“It’s sort of a miracle you talk at all.”

“I dah-don’t think I-I-I rr-rr-really had a choice, in the end.”

“You had a choice, bud. I’m sorry I didn’t see that then.”

“I-I-I-I always felt like you guys dih-dih-didn’t understand. It wah-wasn’t that I wo-wo-wouldn’t talk, it was that I-I-I couldn’t, mm-mm-most of the time.”

She takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts. “I think I take for granted the fact that most people can just...talk. That’s my own failure to see your perspective. And I know that your father should have been more sympathetic to your plight when you were younger. There is never, ever any excuse for a parent to strike a child. Never. But I really believe that he’s doing his best now. I know there were a lot bad times between the two of you. The ideal situation would be for this to have never occurred in the first place. But he’s attempting.”

Blaine sighs. “I-I-I dah-don’t know if I can trust him. Yet. I-I-I think I can forgive him though.”

“You don’t have to trust him Blaine. I think the fact that you’re trying is admirable. Remarkable really.”

Traffic breaks up then and their conversation moves to lighter topics. They discuss Blaine’s new found love of Skyping and he tells her he downloaded it on her computer.

“I’d love to give it a try with you. I didn’t think it was something you would like.”

“It’s about a mmm-mmm-million times beh-beh-better than talking on the phone, that’s for sure.”

When they reach the airport, his mom puts the car in park to come around and give him a hug.

“I love you Blaine. I’m sorry about what happened in the past and I love you.”

He squeezes his mom into a tight hug. “I love you, too,” he says simply.

“I like your beard. Makes you look awfully grown up,” she says as they pull away from each other.

“Thanks,” Blaine says with a warm smile. He kisses his mom’s cheek and with a wave over his shoulder, he makes his way through the automatic doors of the airport.

~~~~~

A moment of Blaine’s mom

I’m not sure if I could be more proud of him right now.

~~~~~

Blaine spends the duration of his flight lost in thought.

He’s not entirely sure if his conversation with his mother comforted him or really just left him with more questions. Maybe both. He regrets not asking her why she didn’t try to play mediator more often. He didn’t even think to ask until he was sitting on the plane.

Blaine needs to talk about this more. He needs to talk about this with a third party. It’s times like these he misses Kurt the most. He can always, always, talk in front of Kurt, even when he’s emotional. But by the time he gets back to New York it’ll be like 3 am in Paris and he certainly doesn’t want to bother Kurt then.

He’ll just have to try to talk to Matt about it. At least he filled Matt in on the majority of the backstory of all the bullshit with his dad before he left, so he won’t have to rehash everything. Just the latest developments.

When Blaine gets back to his dorm, he’s happy to see that Matt’s there, strumming his guitar.

“Hey, what’s up? I wasn’t sure what time you would be back.”

“I’m here nah-now,” Blaine says dully. The toiling introspection from his plane ride has left him drained, but he knows he needs to talk it out a bit, so he sits down on his bed and tries to get comfortable.

“How was the male bonding?”

“Fucking bb-bb-bizarre.”

“That doesn’t really surprise me.”

“I think I-I-I felt beh-beh-etter when I knew www-what to expect. This whole nah-new interested, patient, patriarch bb-bullshit with mmmmy dah-dad is just dis-dis-disconcerting.”

Blaine starts talking then, he starts with the mechanics of ice fishing, which Matt is completely fascinated by, and then moves onto the more emotional portions of the weekend.

“He asked how Kurt wah-wah-was and how ss-ss-staying in touch is going.”

“Well, I mean, that’s considerate.”

“And then I-I-I thought he mm-may-made a jab about my spah-spah-spah-eech bb-bb-because he said something about us having limitations. Turns out he mm-mm-meant how expensive international phone calls are.”

“There’s a chance you’re too sensitive about him.”

“Is there though? Is there rr-really?” Blaine asks, just verging on sarcasm.

“I dunno. I mean, I understand your issues, but he’s your dad, he must care a little. Every word he says isn’t going to be just about tearing you down.”

“Are you forgetting the ssss-story where he mmmmocked me for blah-blah-ocking on my name last sss-ss-summer while I was trying to order coffee?”

“I’m not forgetting that story or telling you to get over it. I’m just saying, try not fixate on it. You’re always so optimistic about things, Blaine, maybe you need to be a little more positive about this shit with your dad.”

Blaine takes a minute to think about that. He turns away from Matt and bites his lip. It’s interesting, because sometimes he feels like he’s being stubborn about his dad for the sake of being stubborn, like his better nature is trying to knock out the stubborn. It’s as though he thinks that’s how he’s supposed to act, given their background. Of course Matt would read into that. Blaine sometimes forgets that if anyone can give it to him straight, it’s Matt.

Matt, on the other hand, is worried that he pissed Blaine off, forgetting that when Blaine is quiet it’s rarely because he’s seething with unspoken rage. It’s usually because he’s thinking. Or he’s just being Blaine.

“So, you’re pissed right? I’m over-simplifying? Or something?” Matt breaks the silence.

“What?” Blaine grins. “I’m nah-not pissed. I’m just thinking. I’m thinking that I-I-I-I hate when you’re kind of rrr-rrr-right, even if you are oversimplifying things.”

“Ha!”

“I’m still frustrated though. I-I-I still feel wah-wah-weird. You dd-dd-didn’t just mm-mm-magically fix things.”

“But I have a point right?”

“Yes. You have a puh-point.”

Blaine’s phone vibrates several times then.

~~~~~

February 22nd  
@ 9:47 pm

Tina: Are you busy? And if you’re not busy, are you hungry?  
Tina: I just made too many cookies.  
Tina: Like four dozen cookies.  
Tina: Bring Matt.  
Tina: And plenty of milk.

~~~~~

Blaine is way more comfortable going to not-Kurt’s apartment these days, so when he and Matt get buzzed in, they run up the stairs and let themselves through the door that Tina left ajar.

“Hey,” she smiles as the boys come in.

“Cookies!” Blaine growls in an impressive impersonation of Cookie Monster as he shrugs out of his coat.

“Blaine needs cookies,” Matt explains, also taking off his coat.

“What’s up with Blaine?” Tina asks, looking between the two boys.

Before Matt starts to answer, Blaine leans his body over the kitchen island and starts knocking his head on it. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to drive the point home.

“He’s frustrated and feeling weird about his daddy issues.”

“Oh!” Tina yelps. “I forgot that this was the big fishing trip weekend.”

Blaine continues knocking his head on the counter.

“I take it it went well?” She directs her question at Matt when it becomes apparent that Blaine isn’t talking right now.

“From what I gathered, before he went catatonic just now, it went fine, and therein lies the paradox,” Matt explains.

Tina walks over to Blaine and puts her hand palm up between Blaine and the countertop. This stops his momentum. He leaves his face in Tina’s hand briefly and then licks it before standing up.

“Thanks, I nah-needed that,” he says with a grin.

“I didn’t need this,” Tina says looking at her palm bemusedly and then wiping it across Blaine’s shirt.

“So are you ok?” She asks seriously.

“Yeah, I-I-I guess.”

“Do you need a hug?”

“Yes! Matt dd-dd-didn’t offer a hug,” Blaine says, looking pointedly at Matt over Tina’s shoulder as he hugs her.

“I gave you sound advice. Sometimes that’s more important than physical affection,” Matt mumbles around a mouthful of cookie.

“Eat some cookies,” Tina prods as she gives Blaine another pat on the back. “And start from the beginning of the weekend. I have a feeling you need a woman’s perspective.”

Blaine sticks his tongue out at Matt and begins again.

By the time Rachel and Puck come in an hour later, Blaine, Matt and Tina have put a decent dent in the cookies and Blaine is feeling a lot better.

They spend a couple more hours generally just being silly and by the time the boys walk back to their dorm, Blaine feels a million times lighter.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Sun, Feb 22, 8:48 pm  
Subject: Ice Fishing of course

I know I probably won’t still be up when you get back from Ohio, but I’ll try to stay on im a little later than usual in case you need to talk.

Or just babble into an email and tell me how it went. Either way. :)

Thanks for the early password.

Love you, miss you!!

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Mon, Feb 23, 12:24 am  
Subject: re: Ice Fishing of course

Ice fishing is more boring than I ever could have imagined. You have to drill into the ice and then you put your line in and wait around FOREVER.

I had fun hanging out with Cooper and I guess with my dad. I don’t know, I’m trying to figure it out. But I’m kind of all talked out about it right now anyway, so it’s ok that you’re asleep.

I talked about it with my mom and then with Matt and then with Matt and Tina. Tina is an excellent listener. She should put that in her references when trying to accumulate friends. And Matt, of course, somehow always summarizes things and succinctly makes me realize that I need to get my head out of my ass.

So there’s that. :)

I think I just need to think about it a little bit more and then perhaps you and I can get into deeper analysis one day this week.

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TO THE HUNDRED MILLIONTH DEGREE.

I calculated on the plane that we have 95 days to go. Why does that sound longer than 132 days? I mean, I understand that that’s not how numbers work, but you’d think now that we’re under 100 days it would feel closer, but instead you just seem farther away.

Ok. I’m going to stop being a bummer.

Love you. :)


	9. Chapter 9

_March 1_  
Folder 7  
password: iwasthesilentstranger 

If you’re lost and alone  
and you’re sinking like a stone  
Carry on  
May your past be the sound  
of your feet upon the ground  
Carry on

Carry On by Fun.

I figured at this point in your trip, you might need something a little... uplifting. So Matt and I made you this video and we end up sort of rocking out to it. I think, no matter what, it’ll make you smile.

Or possibly make you laugh uncontrollably and fall out of your chair.

~~~~~

March 4th  
@ 12:04 pm

Kurt: Hey  
I hope you don’t mind im-ing instead of skyping today  
Blaine: Hi!  
no, not at all  
Kurt: I needed to get out of my room and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to find a place to skype in public  
so I’m just at a cafe  
Blaine: why did you need to get out of your room?  
Kurt: A very angry German couple moved in down the hall  
and they were fighting a lot this morning.  
I thought they were leaving, but I think they just had angry bathroom sex  
and then went back to their apartment  
Blaine: Weird.  
Kurt: uncomfortably weird.  
Blaine: how’s everything else?  
Kurt: Things are ok  
the weather’s getting nicer  
Julia and I went for the world’s longest walk on Sunday afternoon  
Blaine: That sounds nice :)  
Kurt: It was  
I felt the need to ramble  
it was a good platform for rambling  
Blaine: What did you need to ramble about?  
Kurt: the usual  
missing you  
feeling out of sorts  
kind of wishing I was in New York  
Blaine: that sucks  
I’m sorry everything is bumming you out still  
I thought maybe it was getting better  
Kurt: It *is* better  
it’s just not great  
I don’t really... like it here  
Blaine: Now my heart hurts again  
Kurt: NO! Your heart doesn’t have to hurt  
I’m fine. I’m just kind of dull  
and homesick  
but not really homesick  
just... Blainesick.  
Blaine: hehe. Blainesick  
we only have 86 more days to go  
that’s doable, right?  
Kurt: of course it’s doable!  
I mean, it’s not like being here is torture  
it’s just not what I always imagined  
Blaine: So it’s a general sort of disappointed in the reality of it  
Kurt: precisely  
Blaine: stupid  
Kurt: yep  
what’s up with you?  
Blaine: I don’t know  
lots of stuff  
but also nothing  
Kurt: That doesn’t make sense Blaine  
Blaine: I guess I just mean the usual is up  
Kurt: such as...?  
Blaine: I made a presentation in my human development class  
it went *exceptionally* well, according to Natalie  
I skyped with my mom for the first time and she was happy  
and Chad thinks I’m actually coming out of my plateau/backslide  
Chad insists it was just a plateau  
I insist it was a backslide  
We’ve decided to agree to disagree.  
Matt and I are going to start playing open mic night again  
we kept forgetting to sign up for the past couple months  
but it’s time to start again  
I really miss it  
sign language is still like my most favorite class ever  
and DiDi is one of the weirdest/funniest people I’ve ever met  
Kurt: Wow, I would definitely not call any of that “nothing”  
Blaine: well, I guess, nothing that interesting, I mean  
Kurt: I’m interested  
I feel so removed from everything  
you would have told me all about that stuff if I was home  
and now it’s just like you’re filling me in after that fact  
Blaine: oh. I’m sorry.  
I didn’t mean it like that  
it’s just little stuff, everyday stuff  
I guess, stuff I don’t have time to really fill you in on before it’s a moot point  
Kurt: I think I know what you mean  
like by the time you explain it all, it’s over  
Blaine: yes!  
I don’t want you to think that I’m purposely withholding shit from you though  
I’ve just had to find alternatives to telling you everything  
Kurt: alternatives?  
Blaine: well, yeah  
I tell Matt more  
and Tina  
and I don’t know, it just takes so long to type an email  
and we can’t skype every day  
I mean, we could, but with schedules and the time difference, it’s hard  
Does any of this make sense?  
Kurt: yes. It does  
don’t worry Blaine, I’m not offended  
Blaine: Ok. Good. I really don’t want to offend you  
I just had to find other people to talk to  
Kurt: I’m glad to hear you *want* to talk to people  
Blaine: me too  
it makes life easier  
my brain doesn’t feel as full or as tired as it used it  
Kurt: really?  
what do you mean?  
Blaine: I guess I used to hold so much in  
my mind would be like racing a lot  
but the more I talk, it’s like I can … unburden my brain  
I think I sleep better at night  
Kurt: huh. I’m surprised you never mentioned that before  
Blaine: I think I only noticed because I wasn’t talking as much right after you left  
before I met you, that was just my life, lots of thoughts, nowhere to put them  
but then I met you and even just talking to you online last summer lifted some of my mental burden.  
and then when I actually started physically speaking to you  
it was even less encumbered  
Kurt: Is it because you know I don’t mind listening?  
Blaine: Oh for sure  
But also, you make me feel like talking  
because you don’t care if I talk  
Kurt: I like when you talk  
but I don’t mind if you don’t want to talk  
I certainly would care if you stopped talking entirely though  
Blaine: yeah. well, that’s what I mean.  
It’s like you took all the pressure off  
I feel like I want to tell you everything  
and I *can* tell you everything  
because you don’t mind if I don’t tell you everything  
Kurt: I actually think I know what you mean  
it’s all rather complicated though  
Blaine: it is  
but just being able to talk in general is … kind of amazing  
It has all these positive effects.  
on like my brain and my mood  
Kurt: That’s fascinating  
your brain fascinates me  
Blaine: my brain is a weirdo  
but I’m glad you like it  
Kurt: I do. I think it’s awesome.  
Blaine: Do you mind hearing some random thoughts it’s having?  
Kurt: I don’t mind even a little.  
bring it on.  
I always like to hear your thoughts  
I think they’ll make me feel better  
Blaine: well, I’ve been thinking about my dad stuff again  
it sort of comes and goes in my head  
I talked it all out that one night with everyone  
but I think I’m ready to go a little deeper  
Kurt: ok  
Blaine: and the good news about you  
is that you know EVERYTHING  
I haven’t necessarily told everyone everything  
just what was necessary for the ice fishing story  
like Tina, Rachel and Puck know my dad and I have a bad relationship  
but I didn’t tell them about him hitting me  
although Matt knows the whole story now  
because I needed someone to SPEAK to about the whole thing  
so I explained it all to him before I left  
the bad relationship  
the hitting  
my dad’s stutter  
and I told him about how I want to try  
but I think I need to type about the heavier stuff now  
typing is still an easier method of conveying thoughts for me  
anyway  
tangent

Kurt: that’s a-ok  
it’s good for me to know these things for the future  
about who knows what  
Blaine: true  
I mean, it doesn’t have to be a secret, I just didn’t feel like getting into it with everyone  
alright, so the night I came back from ice fishing  
Matt was saying how usually I’m so optimistic about stuff  
like I don’t usually let things get me down  
and I don’t usually fixate so much on things  
Kurt: I think I would only agree with that to a point  
you fixate a lot on the mistakes you make with your speech  
and you shouldn’t  
Blaine: that’s true  
I didn’t think of that when he was saying this  
well, aside from my speech and speech related issues, I tend to be pretty positive about stuff  
Kurt: that I can agree with  
I told my dad once that 90% of the time you’re the happiest person I know  
Blaine: well then, that makes me smile likes this :D  
Kurt: you’re so cute and dumb and endearing  
Blaine: I KNOW!  
I just need to harness my optimism with my dad stuff  
Kurt: I think you could do that  
I think it’s like what we said at Christmas  
we sort of agreed that you should give him this one chance  
so you gave him the ice fishing chance  
and he didn’t fail, right?  
Blaine: right  
so I guess now it’s like, what’s the next step?  
Kurt: Yes. What’s the next step?  
Maybe *you* need to take the next step?  
Blaine: I could. That’s not a terrible idea  
he brought up the idea of going to therapy together again last weekend  
so maybe that’ll happen over spring break  
and I think maybe after that I should invite him to New York  
for like a weekend?  
Kurt: Wow. I’m impressed Blaine  
would you really want him around?  
Blaine: I don’t know  
I’d rather if him and my mom came together  
so maybe I should present it like that  
but I think I should be the one to bring it up  
Kurt: then I think you should too  
Blaine: I don’t plan on going home this summer  
so maybe they should come see me at the end of the semester  
Kurt: where are you staying this summer????  
Blaine: Matt and I are looking for apartments  
it’s time to leave the dorms  
Kurt: YAY! I’m so glad  
I hadn’t wanted to bring the summer up  
because it’s still far away  
but I realllllly didn’t want you to go home  
Blaine: I didn’t want to go home either!  
So I’m not!  
yayayayay!  
and I found out I can get a camp job through the people that run after care  
they run a camp all summer  
Kurt: YES  
Blaine: So, awesome, all around right?  
Kurt: YES  
ok, back to dad stuff and then perhaps we’ll continue celebrating summer  
Blaine: I guess my point is  
if he’s trying  
then I’m trying  
Kurt: Good for you  
Blaine: Trying makes me feel better  
trying makes me feel like I have some control in the situation  
And I’m not going to let that bastard win this round  
Kurt: I’m so glad bonding with your father has turned into a competition  
Blaine: It’s a theme in my life  
and it’s all your fault  
Kurt: no way  
you were competitive before I started getting competitive  
Blaine: no way!  
I was competitive *because* you got competitive  
Kurt: what, no, impossible  
Blaine: Kurt. I’m like the most passive person on earth  
I’m only competitive with you  
most of the time, if someone wants to win  
I’m like “sure, no problem. Here, just stand on my face so you can reach the basketball net easier.”  
Kurt: LOL  
you’re right  
the competitiveness is all my fault  
Blaine: HA! I win!  
Kurt: this wasn’t a competition! this was just a discussion!  
Blaine: NOPE! It was a debate  
and I won it with through skill and written acuity  
Kurt: you suck  
Blaine: so do you  
and I mean that in the euphemistic sense  
Kurt: I didn’t mean it euphemistically  
but now I can’t stop giggling  
Blaine: I told you my brain is weird  
Kurt: gah. sexual frustration  
Blaine: now *I* can’t stop giggling  
Kurt: about my sexual frustration?  
you should have never shown me your abs last time  
Blaine: HA! They’re even better now.  
Kurt: Rude.  
Blaine: my mom told me she liked my beard  
which I feel like was a big thing for her to admit  
she’s worse than you are about keeping my hair trimmed and whatnot  
Kurt: sigh sigh sigh  
i kind of like your beard too  
Blaine: YES YES YES  
tap dancing font  
now that is a MAJOR win  
Kurt: but I still think you should shave when I get home  
Blaine: oh, that was always the plan  
I think by the time you get home it’s going to be hot  
temperature wise  
and itchy as hell  
it’s not a great summer look  
Kurt: I mean it could be  
but you just don’t care enough about grooming  
Blaine: I care about grooming!  
Kurt: you do not  
Blaine: no. you’re right. I don’t.  
Kurt: exactly.  
summer beards need to be trimmed  
Blaine: I hate trims  
Kurt: hence why you aren’t suited to have a summer beard  
Blaine: alright, alright  
I get it  
Kurt: I can’t wait to shave your face  
Blaine: I feel like that’s sort of threatening  
Kurt: Don’t be a baby  
it’ll be awesome  
Blaine: I know  
everything will be awesome  
just because you’ll be back  
Kurt: I think this is the point in the conversation where we both just sort of start making weird noises  
because we miss each other so much  
Blaine: KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT  
insert wailing font  
Kurt: I know, I know  
insert me patting your head font  
Blaine: I just miss you so fucking much   
this is dumb  
Kurt: it is  
I’m sorry  
I hate that we’re both like this  
Blaine: sigh. it’s ok.  
you shouldn’t apologize  
you had to go  
you didn’t have a choice  
Kurt: I know, you’re right  
Blaine: I just hate how every time we talk, we end up like this  
We’re grown ups  
let us be mature and reasonable about this  
Kurt: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
I just want to cry and whimper and be a big baby about how much I miss you  
Blaine: Kurt. Maturity.  
chin up  
and all that razzmatazz  
Kurt: razzmatazz?  
Blaine: Yes  
just go with it.  
Kurt: ok. you’re right poophead.  
let’s be grown ups about this  
stop with the wailing and teeth gnashing of pain and loneliness  
Blaine: yes. it’s over. We shall never spiral there again  
at least not until next time we talk  
because unfortunately, this time is just about over  
Kurt: yes, I noticed the time was drawing nigh  
Blaine: tis  
I must be running off to work  
So I can be your sugar daddy when you return from Paris  
Kurt: Yes. exactly.  
Blaine: You haven’t met any beautiful Parisians right?  
Kurt: I haven’t met anyone who could ever rival you.  
Blaine: Aw. Samesies.  
Kurt: I love you so much poop  
Blaine: I love you too fella  
Kurt: I’ll talk to you this weekend maybe?  
Blaine: Yeah, I should be around. We might be able to skype for a bit on Saturday afternoon?  
Kurt: YES, that sounds perfect.  
Blaine: I’ll email you when I have a time  
I don’t think I have any plans until later at night.  
Kurt: YAY! Talk to you then.  
Blaine: Love you, miss you.  
Kurt: love you, miss you, MORE THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE.  
Blaine: Doubt it.  
Kurt: Bye Blaine  
Blaine: Bye Kurt.


	10. Chapter 10

_March 8  
Folder 7  
password: carrotcakeisntbad_

You say you want  
Diamonds on a ring of gold  
You say you want  
Your story to remain untold

All I Want is You by U2

The thing about this song is that I really feel like this is how you feel about me. And it’s how I feel about you.

I would give you anything Kurt, anything you needed. Things you would never in a million years ask for, I would give you without a blink of an eye. I would give you a kidney. I would give you both kidneys. Though you would never let me do that.

I love you Kurt and you’re all I want.

~~~~~

Blaine trudges through the second week of March. There’s one day where the weather’s warm enough to start the majority of the snow melting, but then the next day there’s an ice storm that turns the sidewalks into a series of treacherous ice luges. But that’s how March in New York is sometimes.

He makes his way from class to speech therapy, to work. Lather, rinse, repeat. His adult intensive class doesn’t start until the week after spring break. It’s good timing, he would hate to miss the first week. He’s not sure if he’s dreading it or looking forward to it, but he’s definitely hopeful about the endeavor in general. Chad claims that it was one of the best things he ever did for his speech.

Spring break is the following week, so at least he has that to look forward to. And open mic night is the night before he leaves for his road trip to Ohio with Matt and Puck. They’re going to spend Saturday night at Kurt’s house (which Blaine is fully expecting to be weird) and then Sunday the three of them plus Finn, and maybe Sam, are going to a casino in Canada for a couple nights. Should be an interesting spring break to say the least. Not like Kurt’s week in Italy, but interesting just the same.

On Friday night, everyone heads to the coffee place. Rachel’s working the counter. Kerry, Puck and Tina sit at a table in the middle. And he and Matt give it their all to the almost packed coffee house.

He and Matt haven’t done a lot of performing this semester and it never fails to flood Blaine with a feeling of success. This week is no different. They play their old stand-bys, a lot of top 40, a little medley of their favorite tunes they made up and finish it all with Angry Young Man because it’s become one of Matt’s favorite to play on the guitar. Blaine thinks it’s a ridiculous song for the guitar because half the fun is in the Prelude part, but there’s no talking Matt out of some things.

When they end their set, Matt runs to the bathroom and Blaine starts packing up. He can’t wait to tell Kurt about how well it went. In fact, he really wishes Kurt could have seen it, because he knows he’s never felt that confident in front of a crowd before. Kurt would be proud of him. Maybe next time he’ll get someone to record the set, so Kurt can see how much he’s improved.

While he was playing, he was completely in the zone and didn’t even notice a guy in the crowd who couldn’t take his eyes off of Blaine. And while he’s cleaning up their gear, Blaine doesn’t notice as the same guy approaches him.

“Hey,” an unfamiliar voice says from above Blaine. He’s crouched down, snapping a guitar case shut.

Blaine stands up quickly and takes a step back. He didn’t realize how close the other person was. The guy is smiling brightly and looks friendly, but being taken by surprise never bodes well for Blaine.

“Um, hi,” Blaine says awkwardly, glancing away, but then darting his eyes back, trying to figure out if he knows this person, or if he’s supposed to know this person. He doesn’t remember ever meeting him, but that’s not rare for Blaine. Sometimes it’s like his anxiety about meeting new people practically gives him amnesia.

The guy smiles, a bit uncomfortably. “I, uh, I’ve heard you play a bunch of times and I just wanted to say that I think you guys sound great.”

Blaine blushes. “Thank you.”

“And I’ve seen you here with your boyfriend, but I’ve noticed he’s not around lately, so I figured I’d get up the nerve to come talk to you this time. Just to say... hi or whatever. And tell you that I like how you play.” He says all this in a rush and Blaine is shocked, stunned.

“Oh. Um. He’s uh, abroad this ss-ss-semester. Paris.”

The other guy looks down. “Ah ok. Yeah, that makes sense.”

Blaine bobs his head.

“Well, anyway. I’m Justin.” He puts his hand out to shake.

Blaine shakes Justin’s hand and clears his throat. “I-I-I stuh-stuh-stutter, so just...” He holds up his finger asking Justin to wait one minute. “Bah-bah-bah-Blaine.”

“It’s nice to meet you Blaine,” Justin says, seemingly unphased by Blaine’s speech.

“You too.”

“Anyway, I guess, um. I figured I’d say hi, since I see you a lot, but. Whatever.” Justin shrugs.

Blaine’s not entirely sure what Justin wants from him, but he feels like he needs to state something for the record.

“My. My, mmmmm...” Blaine stops his block and starts a different sentence. “Kurt and I-I-I are ss-ss-still together. While he’s away.” Blaine is finding his speech pretty much miraculous at the moment. He never sounds this good talking to strangers.

“That’s cool, doing the long distance thing.” Justin looks around like he doesn’t know what else to say.

“Well, I think... I’m gonna...” Justin makes a thumb hooking gesture towards the door. “Maybe I’ll see you around, sometime.”

Blaine smiles and waves, and Justin waves back.

It’s only as Justin’s walking away that Blaine notices the dark red blush that had spread across the other boy’s neck.

~~~~~

Everyone goes back to not-Kurt’s apartment after open mic night. They pick up massive amounts of Chinese food on the way.

Blaine’s sitting on the kitchen counter, going to town on pint of shrimp mei fun, humming under his breath, when Tina asks him a question.

“Who was that guy you were talking to Blaine?” she asks.

“What guy?” Blaine asks. It takes him a minute to remember that he even talked to a guy that night.

“The cute guy that came up to you at the end? Do you know him from class or something?” Kerry interjects.

“Oh, Justin. No, I’d nah-never ss-ss-seen him bb-bb-bb-before. He wah-wah-wanted to ssssay that he thought Matt and I sss-sss-sounded great.”

“Huh,” Matt pipes up from his spot by the kitchen island. “That was awfully nice of the random stranger. Did he also ask to have your babies?”

Blaine shoots him a “what the fuck” look.

“You know, when he was hitting on you,” Matt says, knowingly.

Blaine blushes. “He wah-wasn’t hitting on mmmm-me.”

“What else did he say?” Rachel asks.

Blaine suddenly feels all five pairs of eyes on him and shrinks back a bit. “I-I-I-I don’t know. Nothing rr-rr-really.” He hangs his head and stares into his Chinese food container, feeling awfully shy in room full of people staring at him.

“Nothing... really?” Tina prods gently, but she’s curious nonetheless.

“Fine.” Blaine sighs and looks up, noticing that while all eyes are on him, they all look friendly, interested. Kind. They want him to talk. Even though he still feels uncomfortable, his confidence is bolstered by their interest. “Um. That he’s ss-seen mmmmme at the coffee place and w-w-w-with Kurt and he hasn’t sss-seen Kurt around lately, so he finally got up the nnn-nnn-nerve to come talk to mm-me.” Blaine rubs at the back of his neck self consciously.

“Holy shit, dude!” Puck says. “He was totally fucking hit on you!”

“What did you say to him?” Kerry asks.

“Nothing. Just that, that, that Kurt’s away and then he told mmm-me his nay-nay-name and I-I-I told him mmm-my name and I dunno. He said he’d ss-ss-see m-m-m-m-me around.”

“You told him your name?” Rachel wiggles her eyebrows teasingly.

Blaine shrugs. “Yeah.” And then he turns to Kerry, “Wait, you ss-ss-said he wah-was cute?”

“Yeah, he was definitely cute.”

“He wwww-was bah-bah-blushing,” Blaine says and then starts blushing again himself.

“Did you stutter?” Matt asks.

“Obviously,” Blaine answers. “Buh-uh-ut I told him I-I-I-I ss-ss-stuh-stutter, so that helped.”

“I can’t believe someone hit on you,” Kerry says excitedly. Then her face drops a bit. “Are you going to tell Kurt?”

Blaine hadn’t even really considered it. Did he have to tell Kurt? Would Kurt be mad at him? It’s not like Blaine could control who talks to him and who doesn’t. Would Kurt be jealous? Did he kind of want Kurt to be jealous? No, Blaine tells himself firmly. He doesn’t want to play games.

“I-I-I-I guess I will. I dah-don’t ww-ww-want him to be m-m-m-mad. Do you think he’ll be mmm-mad at me?”

This question gets a different response from everyone.

Rachel makes a pensive face and brings a finger to her lips in thought.

Tina shakes her head.

Matt shrugs.

Puck scratches his head, “Fucked if I know!”

And Kerry, ever kind and sweet Kerry, comes over next Blaine and puts a hand on his arm. “Why would he be mad? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kerry’s right. Blaine promises himself that he’ll go home and write Kurt an email though, because he needs to get the encounter off his conscience.

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Fri, Mar 13, 11:38 pm  
Subject: Um. So that happened.

Ok, so tonight at open mic night, a guy came up to me and said that he liked how Matt and I play and that he’s seen me around and stuff.

And I talked to him for like 30 seconds and I told him I had a boyfriend or whatever, because he brought you up. Apparently he’s seen us around. But anyway, now everyone (Matt, Kerry, Puck, Rachel, Tina) is saying that he was hitting on me.

And I felt like I needed to tell you. Clear my conscience. I mean, it’s not like I lead him on or something, I could hardly talk of course. But I just wanted you to know. Please don’t be jealous or mad at me or anything.

Also, it kind of made me wonder. That night you told me you liked the set with Matt, were you hitting on me?

I love youuuuuuu!

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Sat, Mar 14, 11:47 am  
Subject: re: Um. So that happened.

HOLY SHIT! I can’t believe you got hit on!

Is it weird that I feel proud of you for actually talking to the guy *this* time? Because even if I wasn’t necessarily as blatant about it with you, I was sort of … pre-hitting on you. I didn’t know if you were gay or not and I really did want to let you know that I liked your music, but I think I would have been hitting on you if I knew for sure you were gay. I thought you were absolutely adorable and talented. And of course I immediately noticed you had a nice ass.

So, I’m sticking with the idea that I was pre-hitting on you.

And since that guy had seen you with me, he knew you were gay (or at least bi, I guess) and therefore he was TOTALLY hitting on you.

I’m not jealous or mad, I promise.

Love you too, poop!

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Sat, Mar 14, 8:01 am  
Subject: re: Um. So that happened.

I hate that I’m awake right now, but I’m leaving with Puck and Matt for Ohio in a little while and I still haven’t packed.

I was worried and I just really had to tell you. Thank you for not being mad. And thank you for being the first person to ever sort of hit on me.

I have to admit, I was also sort of proud of myself for at least being able to, like, say words. Baby steps, ya know? When I ran into you that night by the bathroom and you were being so nice, I just kept thinking “Say words!” And then I was like “But what words!?!?” And then I didn’t even smile. Oh, well. At least fate brought us together via the internet.

Have fun in Italy!!

<3 Poophead

PS the next password is berrymeinkisses. You might as well have the song for your trip!

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Sat, Mar 14, 2:44 pm  
Subject: re: Um. So that happened.

UGH. I’m so jealous that you’re going to see my family. I miss my dad soooooo much.

Give him a hug for me?

I’m leaving for Italy in about an hour. I probably won’t have much access to internet while I’m away. I’m not taking my laptop, but if I have a chance I’ll make sure to at least check my email.

Have fun in Canada and I’ll talk to you next weekend!!!!

<3 Dumbass

~~~~~

Kurt settles in on the plane trip to Rome. He’s been looking forward to this tour since he learned that it was available through the study abroad office and he’s still extremely excited. 

Julia sits next to him, headphones on, face in a magazine and Kurt realizes he has all the time in the world to think. Or stew. But he’d prefer to call it thinking.

He is jealous about the guy that hit on Blaine, but he’s not willing to start an argument about it from so far away. And Blaine was so very cute and innocent and honest about the whole situation. Kurt knows Blaine isn’t going to cheat on him with someone he doesn’t know. Blaine isn’t going to cheat on him with some he does know.

Kurt is aware that it’s the distance between them that’s leaving him feeling so unsure about his relationship with Blaine. But he’s honestly confused about why he feels this way. He has such confidence in his relationship with Blaine. He knows that Blaine trusts him and he trusts Blaine. And Blaine’s the kind of person that would make sure to never undermine trust. He’s loyal to a fault.

But Kurt still feels weird. And a tad jealous. He decides to write Blaine a letter. There’s something about handwriting, rather than typing, that affords him time to think. He writes for a long time, most of the flight, getting his words just right. He’s not entirely sure he’ll ever send it, but in the end the process itself was cathartic.

And somehow he feels more prepared to continue on.

Not to mention he’s pretty sure he’s about to have a kickass time in Italy.


	11. Chapter 11

_March 15  
Folder 7  
password: berrymeinkisses_

Hold my head inside your hands,  
I need someone who understands  
I need someone, someone who hears  
For you I’ve waited all these years

“Kingdom Come” by Coldplay

Confession: I originally wanted to use this song at open mic night in September. Matt made fun of it though and talked me out of it. But I always sort of regretted it because there’s so much about it that reminds me of you. Although, maybe it was almost too good then. Maybe it would have had too much meaning, because it’s like the more I fall in love with you, the more right and true and perfect this song feels.

What really stood out to me in the lyrics then were the lines “I don’t know which way I’m going, I don’t know what I’ve become.” But they’re not the important part anymore. I know which way I’m going, and that’s whatever way *you’re* going. And I know what I’ve become, or at least what I’m trying to become. Ever since you entered my life, I feel like I have more direction, more interest, more happiness. You brought all that to me, you gave me all that.

I think “Kingdom Come” would have failed where “First Day of My Life” succeeded. “First Day of My Life” is about beginnings. “Kingdom Come” is about what happens once you get started. Singing a song not about beginnings at the beginning would have been like skipping an important step in the process.

I’m glad Matt talked me out of it. But just don’t ever tell him I told you that.

~~~~~

Blaine spends a lot of the ride to Ohio snoozing in the back seat while Puck and Matt argue companionably about what music to listen to.

This is truly going to be a true “guy’s trip” and Blaine’s been really looking forward to it. Rachel and Tina are spending spring break in NY, they have girly plans and Quinn is supposed to be joining them for a few days. They had actually asked him if he wanted to stay, but he needed some time with guys he thinks.

Though he really does feel weird about spending the night at Kurt’s without Kurt being there, he’s been assured time and again by Puck that it’s no big deal. That Burt and Carole are always cool about people staying there.

“I’ve crashed there a hundred time. Not to mention that Sam fucking lived there for like a year,” Puck tells him again during the drive.

When they pull up at the Hudson-Hummel’s Blaine has this one irrational moment where he forgets that Kurt isn’t inside. He shrugs it off and tries not to feel too sad. He’s nervous as Puck rings the bell and tests the doorknob to find it unlocked. As they walk in, Finn’s coming down the stairs, with Sam right behind him.

Introductions are made as Carole and Burt arrive in the front hall and Blaine can tell that Matt takes an instant liking to Sam, in particular.

The majority of the evening is spent crashed out on the floor of the basement playing video games. It’s only when Blaine goes upstairs to get a drink that he runs into Burt and finds just seeing him makes Blaine notice Kurt’s absence all the more.

“Hey,” Burt says, as Blaine walks into the kitchen.

“Hey,” Blaine responds. “It’s wah-weird to be be be be be here.”

“I bet,” Burt agrees. “That’s quite the beard you have there.”

Blaine smiles and shrugs. “It’s m-m-m-my ‘I miss Kurt’ bah-bah-beard.”

Burt laughs at that. “How ya doin with everything, kid?”

Blaine smiles at Burt, because he really is pretty much the nicest man on earth but then he sighs. “Is it wrong of mmm-me to honestly bb-be fine?”

“It’s not wrong, not wrong at all.”

“I just feel bah-bad. Like I-I-I-I miss Kurt like crazy, buh-buh-ut I’m ok. I-I-I miss him an entirely mm-mm-mah-manageable amount.”

Burt nods. “Why do you feel bad about that?”

“I-I-I dunno. I guess cause everytime I-I-I-I talk to him, he sssseems ss-sad.”

“He does seem sad. I think he is sad.”

“I, I, I ww-ww-wish he wasn’t ss-sad,” Blaine says as he leans on the kitchen counter.

“I think Kurt’s always been looking for something more, something bigger. He spent most of his life dreaming about going to New York and he loves it there. But then he spent a long time dreaming about going to Paris. Now he’s in Paris and it’s not living up to what he wanted it to be. So, sure he’s bummed. But I think he’ll learn something from this.”

Blaine thinks for a second. “If you can’t find sss-some happiness where you are, how dah-dah-do you know you’ll be happier ss-ss-somewhere else?”

“Yeah, pretty much. He was never really happy here in Ohio, but he’s been really happy in New York and even happier since you came along. I think he learned that happiness isn’t always a place, sometimes it’s a person.”

Blaine blushes at that and can’t meet Burt’s eye. “He may-makes mmm-me happy too.”

“I can tell.”

“So you think he’d bb-bb-be happy if he wah-was here?” Blaine asks.

“I know he would be. But he had to go find this stuff out for himself,” Burt says.

“I mm-mm-miss him,” Blaine busies himself getting a glass of water, hoping that Burt can’t see his eyes well up with tears.

“Well, I’ll let him know when I go visit him next week.”

Blaine feels weird asking this of his boyfriend’s father, but it’s out of his mouth before he can think too much about it. “May-may-may-maybe, you could... give him a hug for mm-me?”

Burt comes around the counter then and gives Blaine a hug. “I’ll make sure I do. I’ll give him this one.” Blaine can’t help but sag into it, so he lets himself, for just a moment.

Burt ruffles Blaine’s hair and Blaine smiles.

“Thanks, Buh-burt.”

“No big deal at all.”

~~~~~

A moment of Burt

That kid obviously needed a hug.

~~~~~

The next morning the boys stumble into the kitchen in various states of wakefulness and Carole makes them all French toast.

Blaine inhales several pieces before Matt turns to him.

“I’m sort of surprised you can eat French toast with such reckless abandon.”

Blaine gives him his silent questioning look.

“You know, because it makes you think of Kurt. In France.”

Blaine drops his fork halfway to his mouth and punches Matt in the shoulder. “You’ve ru-ru-ru-ruined French toast for mm-me.” But that doesn’t stop him from eating another three pieces.

They set out for Canada just before noon and Blaine can admit to himself that he’s sort of relieved to be leaving Kurt’s house. It just made him miss him.

When they arrive at the casino in Windsor, Blaine can also admit that he’s seriously excited. He’s never been to a casino before and he doesn’t want to lose too much money, but there’s something about the atmosphere of the place that he really loves. He’d worried that he would find it unnerving or just depressing, but instead he loves the noise and the people and the promise of winning.

They check into their room, drop off their bags, and make their way onto the casino floor.

Blaine doesn’t see himself playing poker or roulette or anything. Too much pressure, too many things to get wrong, too many possibilities for embarrassment.

He’s drawn to a penguin themed slot machine and immediately is delighted with the animation and the little penguins swimming across the screen. He puts in a twenty dollar bill and walks away with 40.

Blaine continues on a minor streak on various penny slot machines. A game involving alien cows quickly becomes a favorite. He gets 107 free spins from the cows and wins 60 bucks. He orders plenty of free drinks on the floor and bumps into the other guys every once in awhile. They’re supposed to meet back up in the room around 7 to go get dinner and pick a bar to go to that night. But for right now he’s happy with his slot machines.

Until he walks past a blackjack table late in the afternoon, that is. It has a sign declaring it a low minimum beginner’s table, just 5 dollars gets him in on the hand and there’s only one little (completely non-threatening) old lady playing at the moment. He takes an empty stool and decides to give it a try. He used to play blackjack all the time on the internet with fake money and he thinks he has a pretty good grasp on the game in general.

And he’s not wrong. He changes 50 dollars into chips. An hour later he’s still at the table, with $500 worth of chips and a small crowd building around him. Puck and Finn walked by earlier and were surprised to find Blaine on such a winning streak and they eventually found Matt and Sam. But now even strangers are starting to join the fray.

Blaine places a hundred dollar bet. Matt whistles behind him.

“B’s decided it’s time to shit or get off the pot,” he mutters to the crowd. Matt has apparently decided his role in Blaine’s winning streak is to be the color commentary.

Blaine makes the hand gesture to stay. That’s the other thing about blackjack he’s learned to love in the past 72 minutes. You don’t have to talk, you can just make hand gestures.

Blaine wins the hand. And then another soon after that. He’s up 200 dollars in a matter of minutes.

He turns to his small entourage. “Can one of you guys shoot Kurt an email for mm-me and tell him that I-I-I-I’ll deh-deh-def-definitely be able to bbb-bbb-be his sugar dah-daddy and he wah-won’t have to ssss-survive on pizza crusts alone?’

Finn is still looking confusedly at Blaine, while Matt already has his phone out, typing wildly.

Blaine turns back to the table and places another $100 bet.  
~~~~~

A moment of Ethel

These boys are creating quite a ruckus, but I kind of like them.

~~~~~

Approximately 4500 miles away, Kurt just happens to be at a 24 hour internet cafe checking his email. He’s surprised to see one from Matt of all people.

To: Kurt, From: Matt  
Date: Sun, Mar 15, 5:48 pm  
Subject: Glad hand the high rollers

Blaine is currently sitting at a blackjack table in Windsor Canada making MAD CASH YO.

He wanted me to tell you (and I quote directly) “I’ll definitely be able to be his sugar daddy and he won’t have to survive on pizza crusts alone.” (I’ve removed the stuttering for the sake of brevity.)

I hope this message finds you well and that you’re enjoying Italy.

I’ll keep you posted on Blaine’s ongoing winning streak.

Yours truly-  
Matthew Q. Eversleigh the first- esquire, public notary, and generally all-around awesome dude

~~~~~

To: Matt, From: Kurt  
Date: Mon, Mar 15, 1:01 am  
Subject: re: Glad hand the high rollers

Well then. That’s very good news.

I’m kind of in love with Italy. I’m in Florence right now and I think it’s pretty much the most beautiful city on earth.

Even though I love it, I have to admit that I kind of wish I was with you guys. But I’ve never really dreamed of going to Canada with Finn, Puck & Sam, so I think I’ll get over my disappointment of not getting to watch Blaine become a high roller.

Tell Blaine good luck and I love him and he needs to keep winning!

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Sun, Mar 15, 8:48pm  
Subject: I WON A LOT OF MONEY

FELLLLLAA. I AM SO DRUNK AND I WON A LOT OF MoneY. I KEPOIJ: hitting thpwoe shift key.

LIKE $829. And someone’s itrying to explaing the exchange rate? andmy fngers feels too big for thek eyboard ojn my pophone?

WE’RE GOING TO EAT STEAK. AND I’M GOing to pay.

I LOV EYOUUUUUUU!!

~~~~~

Blaine wakes up extremely confused the next morning.

His mouth is like a desert.

He rolls over and finds Finn sitting at the bottom of the bed, drinking bagged milk through a straw while watching Canadian morning television. Which really looks a lot like American morning television. There seems to be more yelling, but that could just be Blaine’s hangover.

“Did I sss-smah-oke a cigar with a 90 year old lady last night, while she dd-dd-described the Deh-deh-troit sssssskyline in detail?”

“Yes,” Finn responds around his straw.

“I-I-I-I thought I drah-drah-dreamed that,” Blaine says as he sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Why would you ever dream that?” Sam asks, from his awkward position on the floor. His back and head are on the floor and his feet are up on the one chair in the room.

“What are you dah-doing dah-dah-down there?”

“I got really confused last night and fell off the couch and ended up here,” Sam says with a shrug.

Blaine glances around the room and notices Matt and Puck are missing.

“Where’s...” Blaine loses his train of thought momentarily so he just gestures to the other bed.

“They’re out in search of donuts. Matt went out and got various beverages for us, including this,” Finn gestures to his half empty bag. “There’s water and gatorade and shit. But then Puck wanted donuts, so now they’re out looking for some.”

As if on cue, Matt and Puck stumble through the door with two dozen donuts.

“Blaine! Welcome back to the land of the living! I took 40 bucks from you to sponsor our breakfast!” Matt says brightly.

“Dude. How muh-muh-much did I-I-I spend last nah-nah-ight?” Blaine asks nervously.

“Well, between the steak dinner, the mimosas you kept buying Ethel, our drinks, and breakfast, I think you have about $300 left.”

“We should pay you back for some of that,” Finn says.

“Yeah, we will,” Sam agrees as he swings his legs of the chair and sits up, searching for his wallet.

“Nah. It’s fun to, to, to share mmm-my wah-wah-winnings,” Blaine says with a smile. It’s true. It’s not like he made so much that he should put it in the bank or something. It’s more fun to share with the guys and have an awesome trip. 

All four boys thank him heartily. Blaine just smiles broadly at them and gets up to get himself some Gatorade. 

“Who’s Ethel?” he asks, as he returns to the bed and settles himself back against the pillows.

“Your lady friend,” Sam answers as he yawns and stretches. “The Detroit skyline enthusiast. She was at the blackjack table with you pretty much all afternoon.”

“Oh! She re-re-re-re-reminded me of mmmmy grandma,” Blaine says. “What are ww-we dah-doing today?”

“There’s an indoor pool,” Finn says, as he’s flipping through the channels. The boys all nod. No matter how old you get, there’s a certain novelty about hotel pools.

“Donut?” Matt offers the box to Blaine.

“Did you get me raspberry jelly?” Blaine asks.

“Of course. Have as many as you want,” Matt suggests.

“Um, obviously. They’re technically m-m-m-my dah-dah-donuts anyway.”

“Friends share money and food, Blaine,” Matt reprimands. 

“Then how is it fair that Puck just ate all the chocolate ones?” Sam asks.

“Fuck you. I drove all over the fucking place finding donuts, I should at least get my choice.”

Blaine looks around the room and listens as the other guys argue and banter and make fun of each other. 

He can’t quite wipe the shit eating grin off his face.


	12. Chapter 12

_March 22  
Folder 10  
password: ilovemyfella_

We’re halfway there  
Oh, oh livin on a prayer  
Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear  
Oh, oh livin on a prayer

The Reading Rainbow theme song as reimagined by Rammstein (obviously)

I know, I know. This one is kind of cheesy. Fine it’s entirely cheesy. And I'm trying to make myself feel less embarrassed about it by making a Rammstein joke. But we’re halfway there Kurt and it’s the only song that I wanted to use to mark this milestone. Seriously, it’s something to get excited about. And Mr. Jon Bon Jovi said it better than I ever could.

Also, perhaps someday you’ll work on the docks and I’ll work at the diner all day and we’ll have to hock my guitar. Or I could work on the docks. Whatever you prefer. I just envision us having a terribly hard blue collar life on the Jersey shore.

Also, I feel like it’s worth noting that this isn’t the original version of Livin’ On a Prayer, no sirree. This is Prayer ‘94, the candlelight version. So much sexier than the original.

~~~~~

Kurt got back into Paris late Saturday night and Burt’s not due to arrive until Monday morning. Until then, he’ll just have to find ways to amuse himself.

Luckily Julia’s around to watch badly dubbed American game shows with. Halfway through the afternoon she slaps at Kurt’s thigh.

“I think we need to go outside more,” she tells him.

Kurt looks out the window. “It does appear to be quite sunny out.”

“We could at least take a walk,” Julia says. “Get some coffee?”

Kurt relents easily.

He’s still sort of oddly homesick at times and doesn’t like Paris nearly as much as he thought he would. But things have been improving steadily within the past few weeks. He and Julia started going out more, using each other as shields against any beautiful Parisians (or non-Parisians) that tried to make unwanted advances on them at bars and clubs. There were several here and there, but they never got very far. Julia would pull him out onto the dance floor and do what she referred to as her “I want your sex dance.” It was a great (and ultimately hilarious) way for both of them to keep the unwanted advances at a minimum.

They both had fun in Italy too, so their general ennui is much less than it used to be. The promise of Burt’s arrival is making Kurt even happier, so things are better, for sure. And Kurt knows Julia’s right, even if they are tired from traveling, that’s not really an excuse to miss out on the beautiful early spring day that’s happening outside their doors.

They go the little cafe several blocks away that’s become theirs over the past few months. They order their coffees and find a table, where they set about people watching.

He and Julia spend the rest of the afternoon companionably and then decide to go to a pub for dinner and libations, as they’ve taken to calling their several times a week drinking habit. Usually it’s just a glass or two of wine though. They haven’t had a bender since the night Julia’s vodka was lonely.

Kurt often feels lost in a sea of French and even French accents leave his head spinning at times. So when two exchange students from Arizona State sit down at the table next to them at the pub, it feels like they’re all long lost friends.

They spend the remainder of their evening with the other couple and stumble home just after midnight.

“See,” Julia says as pokes Kurt’s arm. “I told you we needed to go out today.”

“You were right,” he agrees, poking her back.

~~~~~

The next morning, Kurt is bouncing with excitement at the prospect of seeing his dad. He’s not entirely sure when the last time was that he was this excited about anything. He wanted to meet him at the airport but his dad was firm on the fact that it was unnecessary, that he’d just take a cab to Kurt’s apartment and then they’d head to Burt’s hotel together. But now he wishes he had just gone to the airport anyway because he has too much pent up energy for his teeny, tiny apartment.

And he doesn’t even have class because there were a few spring break excursion trips that didn’t return until this morning, so all classes were canceled for the day.

Burt arrives just after noon and Kurt has to fight the urge to tackle him to the ground.

“It’s good to see you too, bud,” Burt says as he pries himself away from Kurt.

“Oh, Dad, I miss you so much.” Kurt feels like his face is going to split in half from smiling. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” Burt smiles and rubs his hands together. “Let’s get this stuff to the hotel and then find me something to eat.”

After dropping Burt’s things off, they go to Kurt and Julia’s favorite cafe. Burt orders a croissant.

“You know you could order whatever you want,” Kurt tells him. “They have things besides pastries.”

“I know, but I’m in France. I should eat a croissant,” Burt says amiably.

Burt insists that after lunch he wants to go to the Louvre to see everything from The DaVinci Code. They wander the museum for several hours and Burt “hmms” and “ahhs” his way through, feigning more interest in art than Kurt ever believed possible.

“I think I’m most surprised by the size of the Mona Lisa,” Burt notes as they’re leaving. “Nobody ever tells you it’s about the size of a postage stamp.”

Kurt laughs because he’s just so happy to be with his dad. His dad in his jeans and baseball cap, though he’s wearing a buttoned up blue shirt for the occasion, rather than his usual flannel.

Burt’s tired after that, so they go back to his hotel and just order room service for dinner. They crash out on the bed and watch more badly dubbed American television. Kurt takes a seat on the bed while Burt settles himself in the arm chair.

“This has become sort of a theme for my life here,” Kurt tells him. “Mediocre plot in a language I only half understand.”

“Yeah, you haven’t exactly been subtle about your feelings.”

“I guess I thought it was going to be awesome and perfect and easy.” Kurt says with a shrug. “Instead, I’m having trouble with the language, and the city confuses me, and I’m homesick.”

“Why though?” Burt asks, in his dad voice. “Why do you think think you’re not getting over stuff a little more? Adjusting better?”

Kurt thinks about it. He knows the answer (Blaine) but he’s not sure if what his dad would think of that. He feels like it’s not an acceptable reason to be this sad or to still be experiencing culture shock after being in France for two months. However, as usual, Burt can pretty much read his son’s mind.

“Is it Blaine?” Burt prods after a minute. “You’re allowed to say Blaine.”

“Fine,” Kurt says. “It’s Blaine. I miss him too much and I know it’s irrational. I know this is temporary and I should have fun while I can. And I am mostly. I just … wish I was having fun with him.”

Burt nods in understanding, but he keeps his mouth shut for now, he can tell that Kurt is just getting started. And Burt’s not wrong.

“And I think what’s most interesting, is that I don’t wish he was here, I just wish I was there. I don’t hate it here. I don’t want you to think that. Being in Paris for five months is obviously not the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. But it’s like I just carry around this dull ache of nothingness. This absence of where Blaine should be.”

Burt raises his eyebrows. “Well, that’s sorta beautiful.”

Kurt smiles. “It’s true. Things are better when I’m with him.”

“Like ya said though, it’s not like you’re never gonna see each other again.”

“I know.” Kurt asks the question that’s been nagging at him since he first saw Burt. “How did he seem last week?”

“He seemed fine. Sad you’re not around.” Burt chuckles. “He’s a funny kid. Said he feels bad that he’s fine.”

“He feels bad that he’s fine?” It does sound like something Blaine would say. Blaine always feels bad about something.

“Yeah. I guess cause you’re sad and he’s just not as blatantly sad and he feels guilty.”

Kurt shakes his head. He had a feeling that Blaine didn’t miss him as much as he misses Blaine. But that’s not really fair to think of it like that. It’s not actually a competition, contrary to popular belief. Kurt hates that the fact that Blaine being not that sad actually makes him feel sadder.

“I wish he didn’t feel guilty.” Again Kurt pauses. He’s not sure he’s going to be able to admit this next thought. It’s so selfish of him. “I just wish he was as sad as I am. God. That sounds terrible.”

“It sounds terrible, but I understand.”

“Do you? I feel so stupid.”

Burt chuckles. “I really think I get it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of Kurt. You love each other the same amount, you miss each other the same amount, you want both of you to be sad the same amount.”

Tears spring to Kurt’s eyes then. “I just hate the idea that I could lose him.”

“How does him not being as sad as you equate to you losing him? You’re doing that ass backward logic again Kurt.”

Kurt’s holding back the edge of tears now, just barely. “Some guy hit on him at open mic night. And he talked to him.”

“Well for starters, the fact that he told you about this guy makes me think you shouldn’t be threatened.”

Kurt nods and sniffles.

“On the other hand, shouldn’t you be happy that Blaine can talk?”

“I know,” Kurt is just about wailing now. “I know! But he talked to a guy. He couldn’t talk to me when I tried to talk to him before we knew each other, but now he can. He can talk to everybody! And he’s going to find someone else that’s there. Now I feel guilty for begrudging him even the tiniest bit of his new found confidence.”

“Kurt.” Burt settles on the bed closer to him and rubs his back. “Kurt. I think you’re being a little dramatic.”

Kurt glares at him.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, with the death look. Hear me out. He might not be as sad as you are, but last week he told me he missed you and he tried not to let me see him crying, but he was awfully close.”

“Blaine’s not a cryer,” Kurt sniffles. “I mean, I’ve seen him cry a few times, but he doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat.”

Burt continues rubbing his back. “See bud?”

“This is ridiculous,” Kurt says, rubbing at his eyes with his shirt sleeve. “I’m sorry.”

Burt puts his arms around Kurt then and kisses the side of his head.

“I know I should be happy for him. I do. I know it. And with everything he deals with, his speech and his dad and all, it’s good that he’s not too sad.”

Burt interrupts then. “His dad stuff, how’s that going?”

Kurt glances at his father. He never told Burt anything about it. He knows Blaine at least told him about the ice fishing trip, but he’s not sure what else he’s mentioned. Kurt is sure that Blaine would have never talked about getting hit, because if he did there’s nothing that would have stopped Burt Hummel from driving to New Albany to bang down the Anderson’s door. Kurt decides to keep his answer generic.

“Um. Good. They went ice fishing. He said it was weird, but good.”

“I know he was worried about it. About his dad’s reasons for his change of heart and everything. I should have asked him when I saw him, but we were too busy talking about you.”

Kurt smiles then.

And then immediately rolls his eyes.

“Why do you put up with me? Could I be anymore narcissistic? I literally just cried for 20 minutes because my boyfriend isn’t sad enough about me being in Paris. And then I smiled when you told me you didn’t talk about his issues because you were too busy talking about me.”

Burt just nods.

Kurt buries his face in his hands. “This conversation does not leave this hotel room.”

“My lips are zipped,” and then he actually makes a zipping motion across his mouth.

“Thanks Dad.”

“It’s not easy Kurt. You don’t have to pretend to be okay. But you also need to get some perspective on the issue. You can’t change how Blaine feels, and you can’t really change how you’re feeling. But you can try to be happier for the next couple months.”

Kurt knows he’s right, but instead of admitting it, he changes the subject.

“I notice this is an awfully nice bed you have here,” Kurt eyes it and smiles. “Big too.”

“I take it that means you’re staying here tonight?”

“I mean, for the sake of convenience.”

“For the sake of convenience," Burt agrees, knowingly.

They spend the rest of the week sightseeing between Kurt’s classes and Burt’s jetlag. He introduces his dad to Julia. The three of them even spend some time together at the Eiffel Tower, which was one of the touristy things he and Julia had been avoiding. But everything suddenly seems a lot more fun with his dad there.

When Burt departs for home at the end of the week, Kurt knows that he’ll make it through the rest of the semester. Not that he ever really had much choice on that front, but there’s something to be said about knowing it, rather than just doing it.

After he says goodbye to his dad he makes a list.

1\. Stop being sad.  
2\. Stop being sad that Blaine isn’t sad.  
3\. Have more fun.  
4\. Go to a club at least once a week and let Julia do her “I want your sex dance.”  
5\. Talk to Blaine on Skype once a week.  
6\. Email friends more.  
7\. Stop spending so much time watching badly dubbed sitcoms.  
8\. Go to all to the touristy places you’ve been skipping because you’re lazy and jaded.  
9\. It’s only 2 months, you can do anything for two months.  
10\. Call Blaine right now and tell him you love him, even if you just leave a voicemail.

Kurt feels better already.


	13. Chapter 13

_March 29  
Folder 11  
password: amistillwinsome_

I’ve been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror  
Bending over backward just to try to see it clearer  
but my breath fogged up the glass  
and so I drew a new face and I laughed

I’m Yours by Jason Mraz

Only two months left until you come home!!

This song is a little more obvious than I tend to be. There’s no hidden meanings, there’s nothing deeper going on here. I’m yours. You’re stuck with me, fella.

It’s another video file and Matt says you better seriously appreciate his back up ukulele work. 

 

~~~~~

Blaine is agitated. His day has been shitty. He’s not really used to shitty days. Blaine knows how to cope with most things the world throws at him. He thinks the problem with today is that he’s been on such an upswing lately, he doesn’t know how to deal with a blow like this.

He leaves work and heads to his dorm. It’s Tuesday and Matt has class. Normally he’d be having dinner with Kerry and he could vent to her, but she picked up an extra shift at work tonight. He considers texting Tina or Rachel, but he doesn’t want to have to try to talk to both of them at the same time. He even briefly contemplates texting Puck to see if he wants to get drunk and go get in a fight. Or maybe emailing an SOS to Kurt would work, although Kurt probably won’t even get it tonight. It’s after 1am in Paris. And on the other hand, he might need to wade through some of these feelings on his own.

Instead he grabs his laptop, in case he changes his mind about the SOS to Kurt, and heads to the coffee place. He places his order (it’s an “Ed” kind of night, as opposed to an “Alex” kind of night), collects it, and searches for a table. In a stroke of luck, his favorite hidden table is available and he can drown his sorrows in his mocha back there.

He opens his laptop and starts to compose an email to Kurt, but nothing is coming out right. He doesn’t want to be so hard on himself. He doesn’t want to make Kurt feel bad for him. Blaine knows he needs to think out his problem a bit more before sending off an impetuous email where mostly he’ll be bitching and moaning. 

He tries to start another email. 

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Tues, Mar 31, 7:17 pm  
Subject: stupid. fucking. dumb. shit. Fuck.

Hey fella. I’m having a really bad day (if you couldn’t tell from my subject line). 

It’s just that apparently I (still) suck at life (even though I thought I was really getting better at it) and I want to cry or punch something and you’re not here (I don’t want to punch you, just a wall or something) and now I hate everything and this sucks. I try so hard all the time and somehow it’s like it doesn’t ever matter because there’s always someone who’s going to remind me that it’s not worth it. How much harder can I work? I don’t even know what else I could be doing at this point.

I’m so frustrated and this so stupid and I’m so tired of fucking up. And I wish you were here, but I don’t want to make you feel guilty about not being here. 

~~~~~

He immediately deletes it. He had foolishly hoped that getting those words and thoughts and emotions out of his head might make him feel better. Instead he kind of feels like punching himself in the face. 

He’s glaring at his computer, as though it’s the offending entity, when he hears his name.

“Blaine?”

He looks up, face still tensed.

It’s Justin. Justin who hit on him at open mic night. He looks back down at his computer and lets out a long breath. This is not a good night to have to try to talk to a stranger.

“Hey,” Blaine says dully, not hiding the fact that he’s really not in the mood to talk. He rubs a hand across his face and looks back up at Justin.

“Hi. I was kind of hoping I’d see you around. I feel like I was kind of weird a couple weeks ago. I really only wanted to tell you that I liked your music and I wasn’t trying to say anything else. I get nervous sometimes and you seemed like a nice guy and, that’s all.” He says this all in a rush and then he pauses. “I’m sorry.”

Blaine looks at him, a question on his lips.

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

“Oh.” Blaine says after a minute of deep thought. Justin did make him uncomfortable, but a lot of people make him uncomfortable and that’s only because he’s not usually prepared to talk in front of strangers.The topic and Justin’s actual approach only made him uncomfortable when it was pointed out to him that Justin may have had ulterior motives.

“I have a feeling I just made it worse.”

Blaine laughs then, though he’s not sure why. It seems to break the tension.

“It’s nah-nah-not … a pr-pr-problem.” He sighs. He’s not in the right frame of mind for this.

“Are you.” Justin pauses, as though he thought better of what he was about to say, and gazes almost longingly at the door. Then he shakes his head and starts again. “This is a bit forward of a near stranger, but are you ok? You seem kind of off.”

“I, I, I had a shitty dd-dd-day,” Blaine says quietly, not making eye contact, feeling conspicuous.

“Need a friendly ear?”

“It’s a pr-pr-pretty embarrassing ss-ss-story to tell a near ssssss-stah-ranger,” Blaine says with a grimace.

“Sometimes talking to a near stranger is easier than talking to a friend.”

Blaine considers that for a few seconds. “I-I-I-I’m nah-not very good at either.” He has no idea why he said that. It’s awfully “pity party” for someone he doesn’t know. He tries hard not to present himself like that. Or maybe he said it because he doesn’t really care? Part of him wants to tell the guy to back off. But that would require saying a b-word and Blaine doesn’t think he has it in him to be that rude to anyone. Ever.

Justin gestures towards the chair across from Blaine and Blaine nods. It’s not like he has anyone else to talk to at the moment and who knows, maybe this will help. He rubs his hands on his jeans, because of course they started sweating.

“So,” Justin prompts.

“So. I-I-I wah-work at an after ssssschool ddd-ddd-day-care thing, for like, elementary ssssschool kids. And I love the kids and I love mmm-mmm-my job and there’s nah-never beh-beh-beh-been a problem. Today though, one of the little kids, a kindergartener, ss-ss-started …” He takes a deep breath through his nose. “Buh, buh, bi-bi-bi-bi-biiiiiii-ting. The other kids.”

He glances a Justin who’s nodding along with his story. “That sucks,” he says.

“It dah-does!” Blaine agrees. “What sucks even wor-ww-orse is having to tell a parent about it and nah-nah-not be-be-be-be-being able to say the word bbbbbbbbiting and them complaining to your sssssupervisor be-be-be-be-because you quote unquote ‘can’t talk rrr-rrr-right.’”

“What does it matter how you talk?”

Blaine rolls his eyes. “It always mm-mm-matters to ss-ss-someone. Always to m-m-m-me. Buh-buh-ut I’m just ssssso pissed. I’m pissed at mmmm-myself, I-I-I-I’m pissed at the parent, I’m pissed at the kid for sss-sss-starting the whole shitty sss-sss-sss-situation.”

“What did your supervisor say?”

“Sarah? She’s cool. She essentially told the parent that mmmmmmy sss-pah-eech dah-doesn’t affect my wah-work in the least. She told them I’m rrr-rrr-really good at mm-my job and that the kids all rr-really like mm-me and this is the first time anyone has complained about mmm-mmm-me.”

“Well that’s good. Isn’t that what matters? That your supervisor has your back?”

“Yeah.”

“What did the parent say after that?”

“That they wah-wah-wanted to lodge a, a, a, formal complaint.”

“Seriously?”

Blaine nods.

“So what does that mean?”

“I-I-I guess it’ll go in mmmmmy file. I dunno. It s-s-s-s-seems like it wah-won’t buh-be a problem. Lots of people have formal complaints in their files be-be-be-because nah-nah-no parent ever wants to hear that their kid dah-did ssssssomething wrong. Sarah ss-ss-says she has like 10. And they go away after a year.”

“I mean, I think I get why you’re pissed, but it sounds like everything will be okay in the end.”

“It’s just that it’s embarrassing. And I-I-I-I-I thought things www-were getting bb-bb-bb-better with my sss-sss-spah-speech. And …” Blaine shrugs. Apparently his mouth just realized that he’s talking to a stranger and decided to rebel.

“Lots of stuff is embarrassing. You get over it.”

Blaine feels his lips twitch with all the things he never says, all of the thoughts he never lets himself verbalize about his speech. And then they start spilling out, to this near stranger sitting across from him.

“I-I-I’ve bb-bb-been wah-working really hard on my ss-ss-stutter lately. I-I-I go to ss-speech therapy three times a wah-week and I thought things ww-ww-were getting beh-beh-better. And then ssss-something like this happens and it just feels awful. It makes me feel like I can’t change it, that I’ll never have control over it. That trying is …completely.” Blaine shakes his head and makes a little gesture of surrender with his hands. “Hopeless.”

“I doubt it’s hopeless,” Justin says, sympathetically. “Unfortunately, I really have no advice of any worth for you.”

“It’s okay. I-I-I dah-don’t rr-really na-na-na-need advice.” Blaine sighs and smiles. “Maybe I-I-I just needed a near sss-strah-stranger’s ear.”

“I’m telling you, sometimes it’s easier.”

Blaine sucks in a breath. He knows why this is really getting to him, it’s clear all of a sudden.

“I... I’m going to be be be be a teacher, ss-ss-someday.”

Justin tips his head and looks at Blaine curiously.

“I-I-I’m going to have to talk to parents for mmm-mmm-my whole career. I-I-I hate that the first time I had to dah-dah-deliver bah-bah-bad news it went dah-down like this.”

“Maybe it’s only uphill from here,” Justin says optimistically.

“Maybe,” Blaine agrees.

They chat for a few more minutes and then Justin says he needs to go.

Blaine waves goodbye, genuinely feeling better.

~~~~~

On Wednesday, Blaine wakes up with a horrible feeling in his chest. He has a full day of classes to get through (including ASL, which still makes him happy) but he also has work later and he can’t seem to shake the dread. On top of that he has the second session of his adult intensive therapy group tonight, which he’s actually looking forward to.

So, as long as he can get through work without incident, he knows the rest of his evening will be great and then at least he has the next day off. It’ll be good to get away from the kids and the parents and the embarrassment. He can do this. He can get through it.

When he got home from the coffee place last night, he talked the incident out again with Matt, who suggested that he take a little time to talk it over with Sarah. Blaine knew he was right, no matter how much he didn’t want to have to bring it up all over again.

Also, upon further reflection, it wasn’t the worst it could have been. Luckily, there weren’t any other parents or kids around when the worst of the berating was going on. And he doesn’t think anyone heard the parent talking to Sarah.

But he does make a point of getting to work early, so that he can explain to Sarah a little bit more what happened and what he’s going to do to make sure it never happens again.

When he gets to the school, Sarah is getting out the bag of dodgeballs. They always give the kids some free gym time as they come in.

She smiles at him when she sees him. “Hey, Blaine. I’m happy to see you.”

He smiles weakly and takes a deep breath. She speaks again though before he can get started.

“I wanted to make sure you were ok after yesterday.”

“That I’m ok?” He asks, incredulous.

“Yeah, you’re not too upset right? Not gonna quit on me or anything?”

“Um. No. Definitely nah-nah-not.”

“Good.”

He starts helping her put some cones around the gym. A couple weeks ago, Blaine had an idea to set up different obstacles every day and the kids have gotten really into it. Sarah thought it was a great idea and now she helps him to make it a different challenge every day.

He takes a gulp of air. “I-I-I wah-wanted to tell you, um.” He pauses, feeling a block settle in. He clears his throat and tries again. “I-I-I-I wa-wa-want you to know that I’m really wah-working on my spah-spah-speech.”

“I’ve noticed.” She smiles at him. “You sound a lot better than when you started here. Not to mention that you talk a lot more now in general.”

Blaine can’t help but smile back and then look away for a minute. Even the tiniest bit of praise can make his heart swell and his cheeks heat up. Somehow this praise feels huge, because they never talk about his speech. He brought it up in his interview, but it hasn’t been a topic they’ve discussed since then. The idea Sarah has noticed his improvement makes him feel amazing. He blinks a couple times, digesting his thoughts.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, heart still overflowing with something that’s starting to feel an awful lot like relief. Relief that he’s getting through this conversation, relief that he’s not in trouble at work. 

“Don’t let people like that get you down Blaine. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was around the corner when you started explaining it to that mom. You presented the situation well, you said everything right. You didn’t accuse, you gave her child a compliment and then you told her about the incident. She just didn’t want to hear it.”

“Buh-buh-buh-ut if I didn’t ss-st-st-st-stutter...” He trails off. He’s not entirely sure where he even wanted that sentence to go. There are far too many ways to end it, too many variables.

Luckily Sarah seems to know what he was getting at.

“It wouldn’t have mattered. She didn’t want to hear anything negative about her little angel. I actually found out they’ve been having behavioral problems with the daughter in the classroom, too. But that’s between me and you.”

Sarah catches his eye and Blaine nods in understanding.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. And I may have already lost the complaint in your file. No one will ever be the wiser,” Sarah tells him conspiratorially. “I couldn’t actually throw it away, but it’s not exactly... easy to find in there.”

“Really?” he asks.

“Really. You’re too good at this job and I won’t let anyone tell you differently.”

His face splits into a wide grin and the kids start coming in then.

“Blaine!” several kids yell as they run towards him, one of the smaller ones throwing his arms around Blaine’s waist.

“Hey guys,” he says happily.

“What kind of obstacle did you set up today?” one of the older ones asks.

“Uh. Sarah and I-I-I set up sss-some cones, for a race.”

A small cheer goes up from the crowd that had surrounded him and they all scurry away to try to be first in line.

Things are ok. Better than ok even.

~~~~~

When Blaine arrives at group therapy that evening, he’s overcome with hesitance even though he’s already done this once. It’s just the kind of guy he is.

He peeks into the room and is immediately spotted by the therapist, Megan. She waves him in. He’s a little bit early, so he has plenty of seating options. The chairs are arranged in a tight circle during group, so it’s not like he has anywhere to hide.

He sits on the edge of one of the folding chairs and slides his backpack underneath. He hooks his heels on the rung of the chair, so his knees almost come up to his chest and then he crosses his arms. He’s uncomfortable in this big room where people can see him. But he really does want to be here. Blaine is aware that it will probably take him some time to get used to it though.

He was mostly quiet last week, just trying to take in the scene and get a grasp on what was expected of him here, which it turns out, is sort of nothing. You don’t ever have to talk in group, it’s obviously encouraged, but you don’t have to. The point is to talk when you want to. And it’s amazing how it takes the pressure right off.

The other people in his group are older than him, mostly 20’s and 30’s, a few even older than that. But it doesn’t matter, because like Chad said, they’re all in the same boat. Some of them are a lot worse off than Blaine, speechwise, but it sort of seems like they don’t care as much as he does, because they all just... talk. They don’t seem to give their stutter a second thought and instead they chat and prattle and make conversation. He thinks some of them might be like him, quiet and reserved, outside in the world, but here in this room they all seem to want to speak and be heard.

He was a little overwhelmed by all the stuttering at the first session actually. Chad is the first person he ever met in real life with a stutter and Chad’s stutter is barely there most of the time. But to hear a roomful of stuttering non-stop for 2 hours is an entirely different experience.

They all have different rhythms and secondary characteristics. Some of their stutters are similar to Blaine’s, but a lot of them aren’t. He knows that everyone’s stutter is unique, but to hear all of the different styles is interesting. He had to try really hard not to openly stare at everyone. It was like he wanted to drink in their differences, while at the same time relishing their similarities.

Last week was a basic “getting to know each other” scenario. They did some ice breakers and some name remembering games. His therapy group is basically the opposite of ASL, a lot of emphasis is placed on people’s names, probably because they all want to be able to say their own fluently. When they left last week, it was made clear that mostly the course would focus on a different game or activity every session that required a lot of talking. They would take breaks from the activities or whatever to discuss the difficulties that arise.

He promised himself when he left last time that no matter, he would try to be more involved during the next session.

When Megan calls everyone into the circle, she mentions that she forgot one of the ice breaker activities she likes to do during the first meeting.

“I like everyone to not only say their name, but tell us if you usually have a problem with your first name or your last name and what that problem tends to be. You can also tell us if you’ve come up with any kind of solution or workaround, that helps you, even if it’s only some of the time. But don’t say your name first, tell us about your issue first and then say ‘My name is fill-in-the-blank.’”

People around him all nod and Blaine feels a bit panicky. But he can do this. He can talk about this. He’s just happy he doesn’t have to go first.

When they get around to him, people have confessed a lot of different problems. Most of them have trouble with their first name, just like Blaine.

He looks around the circle quickly and then looks at his hands.

“I... I-I can’t ever say my first n-n-n-name without ss-stuh-stuh-stuttering. I-I-I can think of, like, twice in mmmm-my whole life that I have. It’s not as bah-bah-bah-bad as it used to b-b-b-be. St-st-still not great though.” 

Other people had added anecdotes or stories to their answers and now his story bubbles out of him. “When I-I-I wah-was a kid, um, everyone, the other kids, they called mm-me Blah. All the time. Be-be-be-be-cause when I said mm-my name I would get st-st-stuck on the first sound, over and over. Blah, blah, blah.” He inhales and darts his eyes around and everyone’s still listening, open faces, kind eyes, patient smiles, so he continues. “I-I-I s-s-started b-b-b-believing I was Blah. Like I would call my-my-myself that in my head when I m-m-m-essed up.” He hadn’t expected that part to come out.

“Anyway, um. So. Now I-I-I try to, like, start on the b sssssound instead of the b-l sound and it works beh-beh-better.” Another glance shows him the same group of interested faces, so he continues, because he feels like he can. He looks at the floor though, as he finishes up.

“I-I-I think I end up s-s-s-sounding like a sheep nah-now, buh-buh-buh-ut I can get through it, with just a couple re-re-re-repetitions and not as mmmmm-many bah-bad bl-bl-blocks. I dunno. I guess I’m wah-wah-working on it.”

When he looks up again, everyone’s smiling at him and Megan is giving him a thumbs up. 

“Oh. And. My... n-n-n-name is … Bah-bah-laine.” He decides to cancel his block and try again. “Blay-aine.” Better. Closer. He’ll take it as a victory.

The guy next to him gives him a hearty clap on the back. “Never easy,” he says with a knowing head shake. Blaine smiles at him and settles back in his chair.

He feels cleansed. He feels unburdened. He’s talked about this before, with Paula when he was younger and with Chad, of course. But to say all of this, to confess to a group of people about this flaw that has always felt so huge, has left him feeling powerful. It’s left him wanting to talk.

And then magic happens.

After they’re finished with the name discussion, Megan announces the activity will be a vocabulary building game. And Blaine can’t help but jump in right from the start. He stutters freely and without any hard blocks. It’s probably the most relaxed his speech has ever been.

Everybody sees him, but nobody notices him. He’s not singled out for being different. He had no idea that this kind of freedom could exist. Blaine has never wanted so much to be listened to. He’s never felt so determined to get his answers in. He feels a slight competitive edge coming on even and he smiles when he thinks about telling Kurt about it someday. He finds himself raising his voice at one point and he stops and slumps back in his chair.

He takes a few deep, steadying breaths and glances around. Blaine realizes that no one here minds. No one in this group cares if he’s noisy and stutters loudly or noticeably. No one gives a shit if he messes up and has to try three (or five, or ten) times to get the right word or phrase or sentence out. He changes his posture again and jumps back in the fray.

At the end of the session, one of the older women in the group approaches him.

“And here I thought you you you you were going to be a qui-et-et-et one,” she says with a smile.

Blaine grins and makes a face. “I-I-I-I usually am a quiet one,” he tells her honestly.

“Well, you sha-sha-shouldn’t be. You have a ver-y-y-y-y nice voice.” With that she gives his shoulder a squeeze and Blaine can’t help but blush a little. You’re such a sucker for a compliment, he chides himself. Middle-aged woman usually don’t make him blush like this.

After everything that’s happened yesterday and today, he only wanted to make it through. But now he feels like he’s had successes, small victories and even some large victories.

All things considered, Blaine has had a very good day.


	14. Chapter 14

_April 5th  
Folder 12  
password: yourestillineffable_

You may be a million miles away  
Please believe me, umm ya  
When you hear me say  
I love you, I love you

Dearest by Buddy Holly

This is another song where it doesn’t quite make sense for us, since it’s about a woman who leaves because she’s fed up with her man and not about a fella going to Paris for study abroad. (Not that there are any songs that describe this exact scenario. I’m starting to regret that I didn’t write you a song again.) But I love it and I love making my voice go really deep on the “I love you” part.

And I can’t believe we’re finally on April! That means we can start saying we’ll see each other next month! YAY!

~~~~~

_[Blaine waves.]_

**[Kurt eyes him suspiciously.]**

_Don’t wah-worry. I-I-I-I’m nah-not going to try to get out of of of talking this time._

**[Kurt grins and holds up a sign that says “Plot twist! I don’t want to talk!”]**

_[Blaine again finds himself laughing so hard he almost falls out of his chair.]_

**Ah! Poop! Don’t hurt yourself!**

_Oh, mm-man. That wah-was hilarious._

**So, hi.**

_Hi._

**What’s up?**

_[Blaine shrugs, but he can’t stop smiling.] It’s rrrr-rrrr-really nice to ss-ss-see your face._

**I’d say the same, but your beard is mostly obscuring it.**

_Oh, come on. Mmmm-my GBOMBS is reh-reh-resplendent and you know it. You admitted you liked it!_

**It’s a lot of hair Blaine.**

_I-I-I trimmed it for this occasion!_

**[Kurt raises an eyebrow.]**

_I’m going to to to have to kindly ask you to bbb-bbb-be mmmm-more respectful of the GBOMBS._

**I’m pretty sure GBOMBS is a misnomer these days anyway.**

_[Blaine gives him his silent questioning look.]_

**You’re not exactly living a life of solitude.**

_[Blaine looks chastised.] I... [He blinks and huffs a little breath of frustration.] I’m s-s-s-sorry._

**[Kurt feels bad.] No. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that. I don’t think that’s anything to be sorry about.**

_Then why dah-do I-I-I-I feel ss-so guilty?_

**I don’t know. Because you’re Blaine and you can’t help it.**

_[Blaine smiles.] I-I-I think I kind of mm-mm-may-maybe started to mmm-make another friend._

**Oh really? You’re just making friends all over the place. Who is it this time?**

_Justin from open mmm-mic nah-night._

**[Kurt’s face darkens for a split second.] Oh. Huh.**

_[Blaine’s looking at his hands and misses Kurt’s facial expression.] Yeah. I rrr-ran into him one n-n-n-night last wah-week. And like I talked. I-I-I could talk. [Blaine smiles shyly.]_

**[Kurt knows how important that is, how great it is that Blaine felt comfortable talking to someone. But he can’t deny the twinge of jealousy he’s feeling.] Good for you Blaine. What did you guys talk about?**

_I wah-was having a horrible d-d-day. And he came over to mmm-me, at the coffee pah-lace,, to apologize, cause he was w-w-w-worried he was weird at open mmm-mmm-mic night. I dunno. It was good._

**Why were you having a bad day? [Kurt’s concern is only tempered by the hope that Blaine was having a bad day because he was missing Kurt and that’s what he talked to Justin about. And then Kurt internally kicks himself.]**

_Oh. Um. I mm-meant to email you about it. Guess I-I-I forgot._

**[Kurt looks at Blaine expectantly.]**

_A m-m-m-mom of one of the kids at wah-work complained about mmmm-me._

**What? Why!? [Kurt’s astonished.]**

_I-I-I had to tell her that her dd-daughter’s beh-been … bbb-bbb-bi-bi-ting the other kids. And she dd-didn’t like it and she insisted that she had to talk to Sarah._

**What happened?**

_Um. Nothing rr-rr-really. I mm-mean, the m-m-m-mom lodged a formal complaint, but Sarah may-may-made it dih-dih-disappear._

**Well, that’s good.**

_And she ss-said my ss-ss-spah-speech is beh-beh-etter than it used to bb-be and that I talk mm-more._

**Well, that’s obvious.**

_[Blaine smiles and rolls his eyes.] I-I-I-I just like hearing it from people. I’m ss-so lame. [A blush creeps up his cheeks.]_

**Hey, Blaine.**

_Yeah, Kurt?_

**Your speech sounds very good and you talk a lot more than you used to.**

_[Blaine smiles and wrinkles his nose in a silent “thank you.”]_

**You’re also very cute.**

_So are you._

**Are you going to be seeing this Justin person again?**

_Why do you ssss-sound like mmmy mah-mah-mom does wwwwhen she dah-doesn’t approve of ssssssomeone?_

**I didn’t mean to sound like that. I think I was pretending to sound lofty.**

_You ss-ss-sounded judgmental, just ss-so you know._

**I’m sorry. Let me try again. Are you and your little friend Justin going to have playtime again soon?**

_[fake cough] Condescending. [Blaine can’t stop smiling though. He likes when Kurt teases him.]_

**Fine. Maybe, I’m a little, tiny bit jealous.**

_R-r-r-eally? You dah-dah-don’t have to be. We aren’t rrrr-rrrr-eally friends. No nah-num-num-umbers www-were exchanged, no plans were may-made. It was just... the r-r-r-right place at the rr-rr-ight time._

**Interesting.**

_[Blaine shrugs.] I-I-I-I needed ss-ss-someone to talk to and he appeared._

**You could have talked to me. [Kurt makes a pouting face.]**

_I-I-I know. I wah-was actually writing you an email be-be-be-fore he came up to mm-mm-me. I had it all written out, but I deleted it._

**Why? You should have sent it.**

_I-I-I. I, I d-d-d-didn’t like wah-wah-what I-I-I was saying in it._

**You can tell me anything Blaine. Always.**

_I, I know, Kurt. I-I-I know. The email was all ssss-self-pity and no suh-suh-sub-substance. I was going to think m-m-m-more and then s-s-s-send you a message. Buh-buh-ut then Justin came over and. [He pauses, taking a deep breath, searching for a way to explain this to Kurt.] It’s wah-weird bbbbb-because I nah-never understood nee-nee-needing to talk. As a concept. Buh-buh-ut nah-now I do. Sometimes talking is the mmm-most effective wwww-ay to … clear your head._

**You could have called me, or emailed me and told me to meet you on Skype.**

_Kurt. I-I-I know. It wah-was just a timing thing. It wah-was like 1am in Paris. And Matt was in class, Kerry was at wwwwork and I-I-I-I wasn’t prepared to talk to the dy-dy-dy-dynamic duo of Rachel and Tina._

**The dynamic duo?**

_They’ve be-be-be-come clones of my mmm-mom rrr-recently._

**You love your mom. How is that a bad thing?**

_I dah-do love mmmmy mom. [Blaine smiles at the thought of how improved his relationship with his mom is these days.] Buh-buh-ut the two of them are like sss-sss-stereotypically momming me at every turn. Nagging me, giving mm-mm-mm-me advice. Rachel rrrr-rrrr-recently told me to ss-ss-stand up sss-straighter._

**Oh wow.**

_Yeah, I-I-I think they nee-need a pet or ss-something._

**Tell them to stop.**

_I-I-I would. Buh-buh-but I kinda like it, too._

**AH HA! The truth comes out!**

_[Blaine smiles sheepishly.]_

**[Kurt smiles too.] So Justin came along and listened?**

_Yeah. I-I-I didn’t nnn-eed advice, I just nnn-needed... to talk._

**Well then I’m glad he was there.**

_I ww-ww-wish it wah-was you. You know that, rr-right?_

**I know it, but it’s nice to hear.**

_And I’m telling you nah-now. And I’m sorry I-I-I-I forgot to email you. It just got lost in the shuffle. I-I-I-I keep my dah-days full sssso I don’t have to think about how mm-mm-much I-I-I-I miss you._

**That’s working for you, huh?**

_It is. I’m buh-buh-buh-busy. I-I-I-I like to bbbbe bbb-bih-busy. Less time to www-wallow._

**[Kurt nods.]**

_How about you? How are you?_

**I’m actually good. Definitely better. Ever since my dad left things have been better.**

_[Blaine smiles. He’s so relieved to hear Kurt say something positive.]_

**[Kurt hates himself for a second, because he can see that Blaine is genuinely happy that Kurt is feeling better.] It helps to know that I’ll see you next month.**

_I-I-I know! It’s like everyday I www-www-way-wake up and I’m so happy be-be-be-because it’s one dah-day closer to you coming home._

**Really?**

_Of course! I-I-I wake up and I think “How mmmmany days?” And then I-I-I calculate it. Sometimes it sss-sss-seems like too mmm-many days, but lately it’s stah-stah-started to seem so muh-muh-much closer. I, I, I can’t wait til we’re under 50._

**How many days?**

_[Blaine doesn’t hesitate.] Fifty-four!_

**You’re right, it’ll seem better when we’re under 50.**

_I-I-I’m glad you ww-ww-were free today._

**I’m almost always free on Sunday evenings. You’re the busy one.**

_Only bbbb-because I’m trying to dih-dih-distract myself from mmm-missing you. [Blaine pouts.]_

**I know, I know.**

_How’s Julia?_

**Good. We’re having fun. We’ve been going out a lot more.**

_No buh-beautiful Parisians!_

**You just yelled, Blaine.**

_I know. [Blaine wrinkles his nose. Then he jumps up.]_

**What are you doing?**

_Look at these abs, Kurt!_

**[Kurt looks and his jaw drops.] Holy. Shit.**

_[Blaine punches his stomach.] Awesome, rr-rr-right? [Blaine pulls his shirt back down and sits.]_

**That’s hot. That’s … really hot. [Kurt’s blushing.]**

_[Blaine waggles his eyebrows suggestively.]_

**I’m pretty sure you’re never allowed to see my body again.**

_What! Terrible. I-I-I love your ssstomach._

**Except that I’ve spent the past three months eating French pastries and you’ve spent the past three months doing sit-ups. Nonstop sit-ups.**

_[Blaine giggles.] Honestly, it hasn’t even beh-beh-been that mm-mm-many sit-ups._

**Your abs tell a different story Blaine.**

_[Blaine shrugs.]_

**I wonder how many sit-ups I could do in 54 days.**

_Probably a lot._

**I have to go do sit-ups now. [Kurt pretends to close his lap top.]**

_Noooooo! Come bah-bah-back!_

**Okay. You convinced me. How’s sign language?**

_So good. And I-I-I-I think it’s also kind of helping mm-mm-my spah-spah-spah-speech._

**Really? Like, how?**

_I-I-I’m nah-not sure I can explain it. Buh-buh-but like I have to think about communication dd-dd-differently when I’m s-s-s-s-s-signing. And I’m nah-nah-not very good at it yet, buh-buh-but I’m learning. It’s like it uses a dih-dih-different part of my brah-brah-brain and bbbby activating it, it’s changing out how I-I-I-I talk._

**That is... very complex. But I think I get what you mean.**

_Anyway you cut it, it wah-wah-was a good idea. Also, [Blaine makes a few quick hand gestures] that’s how you say “poophead” in sign language._

**[Kurt laughs.] Are you going to keep taking it? Did you do your schedule for the fall?**

_Yes and yes. Did you?_

**Yeah. I don’t have much left to take, requirement-wise.**

_Let’s take a, a, a class together!_

**I like that idea.**

_We could take the sss-sss-second pah-part of Contemporary American Lit._

**I actually signed up for that!**

_[Blaine’s eyes go wide.] Me too!_

**Well, then. That was easy.**

_Go us. So in sss-sss-sync._

**Yay! [Kurt claps his hands and wiggles in his seat.]**

_I’m ss-ss-so excited nah-now!_

**I love how we’re acting like we’re not going to have all summer and somehow having a class together in the fall is going to make everything worthwhile.**

_We’re nah-nah-not used to having … time._

**We’re not. Time seems kind of miraculous all of a sudden.**

_It dah-dah-does. We have all the time in the wah-wah-world._

**Did you and Matt find an apartment yet?**

_Still wah-wah-working on it. We’re trying to find ss-ss-something in your nn-nn-neighborhood._

**Everything is going to be so much fun!**

_I know, I-I-I-I-I was telling DiDi about how you’re going to be be be home rr-rr-right in time for mmmmmy bih-bih-birthday and I-I-I-I wah-was getting sss-so excited._

**You know. It took me a long time to realize that the first time I emailed you last summer was the day before your birthday. Is that why you didn’t respond for a day and a half?**

_[Blaine shakes his head as he blushes and diverts his eyes.] No. I-I-I-I. [He does a triple blink, head nod, lip twitch for the first time that Kurt has seen in a long time.] I wah-wah-was sssso neh-neh-nervous to write bah-bah-back to you. I-I-I-I tried like, nah-no joke, 20 times. I-I-I dih-dih-didn’t know what to sssssay. I-I-I-I dih-didn’t even know how to talk to ss-strah-strangers in emails._

**You did a good job. I would have never guessed you were so nervous about it.**

_I, I, I wah-was terrified._

**But, why? It’s just an email.**

_Be-be-be-cause you wah-wah-were nnnnnice and you no-no-noticed mmm-me and I felt conspicuous. And … I-I-I think I-I-I wah-wah-wanted to be be be be your friend, like immediately and that was sss-sss-scary. For mmmme then. I-I-I dih-dih-didn’t wwwwant you to realize too soon that I wah-was weh-weh-weird. And I-I-I-I didn’t wah-want to ssssseem too nee-nee-needy. I thought neediness www-was like the worst thing I-I-I could be be be. It all sssssounds so duh-duh-dumb and insecure nah-nah-now._

**Well, I liked it. I liked what you wrote in the class discussion and I liked what you wrote back to me. Jeez, even that was endearing, come to think of it.**

_[Blaine laughs. He feels endearing.] After I-I-I ssssssent it, I ended up mm-mm-maniacally checking mmm-my email for the neh-neh-next 12 hours. I-I-I wah-wah-woke up in the mmm-mmm-middle of the n-n-n-night and had to check mmmmy phone._

**Ha! I remember that night actually. I had been out with Rachel and my cell phone died. When I got home I started charging it, but it was so late, I just passed out.**

_I-I-I-I know about your tendencies to pah-pah-pass out._

**[Kurt grins.] Have you read those emails lately?**

_No. I-I-I think they’re probably fairly embarrassing._

**No way! They’re adorable. We’re so funny. You’re so funny.**

_You wah-wah-were funny. I-I-I-I wah-wah-was awkward and dah-dah-dah-dorky._

**Except that you were totally charming and clever.**

_[Blaine makes his “stop it with your lies” face.]_

**No seriously. Read them. I swear.**

_Have you rrrrrreread any of the im’s?_

**Um. Maybe. [Kurt’s trying not to look embarrassed.]**

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

Would it be weird if I started quoting our old im conversations right now?

“I’m that kid your mom warned you about. When she said ‘don’t make that face or it’ll stick.’ Well, I made that face Kurt and I’m stuck forever in a mask of an overly bright smile.”

“Where the hell are we going to get all these fonts?”

“Painfully, most of the time. I wasn’t exaggerating.”

“You take an 11 mile run and get hungry.”

Sometimes I think I loved him from the very beginning.

~~~~~

_Me too. I-I-I rr-rr-rr-rr-read those a lot._

**It’s interesting. To have so much of our early relationship available to read.**

_I-I-I-I know! Like our first day-day-day-date! We have a written account of our first dd-date. I-I-I mmm-mmm-mean, it was terrible and embarrassing at the time. Mortifying even. Buh-buh-but it’s kind of awesome that it exists._

**It is. I also have a time capsule of Blaine during December of 2014.**

_You dah-dah-dah-do. [Blaine raises his eyebrows.] I’m sure that will neh-never come bah-bah-bah-back to haunt mmmmmmmme._

**Tell Matt his ukelele work from last week is truly impressive. I actually meant to correspond with him directly, I was that impressed.**

_Ha. I will. Speaking of Matt, he should be be be be bah-bah-ack sssssoon and then ww-ww-we’re sssssssupposed to dah-dah-drive out to Kerry’s parents for dih-dih-dinner._

**Where did Kerry grow up?**

_Stanford, Connecticut._

**I feel like I know nothing about her.**

_I-I-I-I felt like that too. Buh-buh-ut nah-nah-now I-I-I-I know a lot about her and she’s kind of awesome._

**Well, I knew she had to be awesome if she was with Matt.**

_Obviously._

**I’m still not entirely sure I believe that you never had a crush on Matt.**

_[Blaine chuckles.] I-I-I-I think you have a crush on Matt._

**I have a crush on how nice Matt is to you.**

_I-I-I have a crush on how Rachel keeps you in line._

**That’s not as cute as what I just said.**

_I-I-I know, buh-buh-but it nah-needed to be be be be ssssssaid._

**I love you. [Kurt smiles, a little sadly.]**

_I-I-I love you too. I’ll talk to you ssss-soon. [Blaine waves]_

**Bye Poophead.**

_Bye fella._


	15. Chapter 15

_April 12th  
Folder 13  
password: carnies4life_

You see everything  
You see every part  
You see all my light  
and you love my dark  
You dig everything  
of which I’m ashamed  
There’s not anything  
to which you can’t relate and you’re still here.

Everything by Alanis Morissette

So remember that time I told you that I was obsessed with Alanis Morissette’s So-Called Chaos album when I was 13? I wasn’t lying. I have no idea why I listened to it as much as I did, but I loved all the songs on it.

I would listen to Everything over and over again and think “Someday, someone is going to feel like this about me.” And I never believed it, but I wanted to, ya know? I could never imagine who this person was. It was never a girl in my head, just sort of a faceless entity. But I was particularly terrified of girls my own age, (I’m still kind of terrified of girls in general. And boys, come to think of it.) so it never even occurred that I was gay.

Anyway, I really feel like this about you. I believe that you love my everything and that thought makes me awfully happy. I don’t think I ever really expected anyone to accept me the way you do, unfailingly, unflinchingly. I wanted to believe that eventually someone would take the time to get to know me and like me, but I never expected anyone like you. 

I love your everything, too. You of the perfect hair and the beautiful voice and impeccable fashion sense. You with your ineffability, patience, snark, and humor and your undeniable capacity for love.

I’m going to the pathetic and weepy place again.

I also hope you appreciate how I turned every use of the word “woman” in the lyrics into “fella” instead. I thought it was clever.

~~~~~

Someone is banging on Kurt’s door.

Kurt looks at his phone.

Someone is banging on Kurt’s door at 4:28 in the morning

There better be fire.

He rolls out of bed and rubs his hands over his eyes and swings the door open, squinting into the hallway light to see Julia standing there.

“Julia. This better not be like the time you woke me up for that Dawson’s Creek marathon.”

“He cheated on me Kurt!” she cries.

That gets his attention and he suddenly feels fully awake. “Derek?”

“Derek. Yes. And it turns out he’s been cheating on me pretty much since I left!”

“What!” Kurt’s incredulous. Julia has told him so much about Derek and what a perfect boyfriend he is and how great they not only get along, but also balance each other.

“He’s been cheating on me pretty much since I got here!”

“This is a lot to take in in the middle of the night Julia. Are you sure?” Kurt moves out of the way then, to let Julia into his apartment.

She flops down on the end of his bed, knowing even during her duress that Kurt hates when people sit on his sheets in street clothes. Kurt sits at the other end of the bed, pulling his blankets up around him. He’s cold and tired, but he knows he has to be awake for Julia, at least for a little while.

“I was just on the phone with him and he was like ‘Oh, I have something you really need to know.’” Julia makes her voice deep and adds a tone of mocking to it.

“And that’s how he told you?”

“Yeah. And! The worst part? It’s my best friend. He cheated on me with my best friend.”

“Well that’s just cliche,” Kurt says drolly.

Kurt tries to shake the image of Blaine cheating on him with Rachel out of his head. Blaine cheating on him with anyone makes his chest ache. Blaine could cheat on him with- Kurt tries to stop this thought before it manifests itself, but he’s not quite awake enough to have full control over his brain- Justin. Faceless Justin who Kurt is so jealous of these days he sees red just thinking of him.

“It is cliche! It’s like he couldn’t even be bothered to be creative. Cheating on your girlfriend with her best friend.” Julia makes a noise of disgust.

“I’m sorry, Jules. This sucks.”

“And he didn’t waste any time! He says they’ve been together since the week after I left!”

“Whoa. This wasn’t a one time thing? They weren’t like drunk or lonely or bonding over missing you and oops?”

“Nope.”

“They’re actually together, together?”

“Yep.”

“Whoa. That really, really sucks. Not that a one time thing wouldn’t suck. But this is a lot harder to accept and it makes it seem a lot more... premeditated,” Kurt says.

Her eyes fill with tears. “It does. Oh God!” She wails. “Do you think it was premeditated? They were just counting the days until I left.”

Kurt desperately wants to take that sentence back immediately. Instead he slides down the bed closer to her and puts his arms around her while she cries into his shoulder for a few minutes.

When she seems cried out for now, she wipes at her eyes and sighs.

“I think it would have happened whether I was here or not. I might have been deluding myself about Derek all this time.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt tries to stifle his yawn, but he fails.

“How about we save it for morning?” Julia asks kindly, blinking away the remains of her tears.

“It is morning,” Kurt points out.

“How about we save it for when the sun is up, then?” Julia amends.

“Ok,” and this time Kurt doesn’t suppress his yawn.

“I’ll be back in several hours.”

“Do you want me to wake you up when I get up?” Kurt asks.

“Yes. That’s if I ever go to sleep. I’m going to go organize my drawers and use up some of my angry energy.”

“Good luck with that,” Kurt says.

He hears Julia click the door closed and he rolls back over and falls asleep quickly.

~~~~~

Kurt and Julia spend the vast majority of the next day dissecting Derek’s actions, and then badmouthing him and the former best friend, in various locales. It’s a gorgeous Wednesday afternoon in Paris, so there’s a lot of outside badmouthing involved. They end their day at bar, so Julia can drown her sorrows.

When Kurt can tell that Julia has vented enough and discussed Derek’s heinous actions thoroughly and Julia has gone through an array of emotion regarding her best friend (or “that bitch” as she’s taken to calling her exclusively) he brings up what she started to say earlier.

“What did you mean, very early this morning, when you said you think you were deluding yourself about him the whole time?”

Julia sighs and stares into the bottom of her beer glass.

“I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t deluding myself, maybe I was just saying that because I want to believe I couldn’t have stopped this from happening. But I’ve changed my mind since this morning. I think if I was there, I could have stopped it.”

“Julia,” Kurt turns on his barstool and puts a comforting hand on her arm. “Would you really want to be with someone who would cheat on you with your best friend?”

“But he might not have cheated on me if I was there!”

“Don’t make this about where you were or weren’t. Why would you want to stop this? If Derek doesn’t respect you enough to keep his hands to himself for a week after you left to study abroad, why would you want to be with him?”

“I don’t know. My self worth is in the shitter.”

“It’s flagrant douchebaggery. You want nothing to do with it. I promise you.”

Julia nods, as she gestures to the bartender for another beer.

“You’re so lucky you have Blaine,” she says after a while.

Kurt looks at her seriously, to gauge her current mental state. “Are you done talking about Derek? Before I start in on a small rant about Blaine?”

Julia turns to Kurt and smiles. “I’m prepared to forget all about Derek I think. And I could use to hear someone else’s misery, even if it’s just a small rant.” She pauses and tilts her head. “But I’m surprised. I thought things were great with you guys.”

“They are, to a point. You sure you want to hear about this? It might just seem whiny to someone who broke up with their boyfriend less than 24 hours ago.”

“Bring it on, Kurt.”

“Ok. So, Blaine is wonderful. He’s endearing and thoughtful and perfect, 98% of the time. The other 2% he’s completely and utterly oblivious to my feelings and it’s always in the worst possible ways.”

“I’m going to need some further details.”

“Well, Blaine is shy. Ridiculously, painfully, almost debilitatingly, shy.”

Julia nods. “Because of his speech.”

“Yes. I think it’s just part of his personality, too. I think even if Blaine didn’t stutter, he’d be bashful and reserved.”

“But how does all this lead to the 2% of the time when he’s utterly oblivious?”

“Blaine’s so shy, he’s never really had friends. Like he only started really talking to people in college. But recently he’s been making friends. He’s close with his roommate and even his roommate’s girlfriend. He’s friends with all of my friends now and he’s starting to make new, unrelated friends on his own. There’s a girl in one of his classes and then there’s this guy, Justin.”

“This all still sounds suspiciously not bad, and possibly verging on whiny soon, Kurt.”

Kurt sighs. “He met Justin when Justin hit on him one night and now they’ve become friends and now every time I hear about Justin I find myself in a blinding, seething jealous rage.”

“Oh! Now I get it. Did you tell him you're jealous?”

“Well, that’s the thing. I wrote a letter about it and I mailed it about two weeks ago. Like a handwritten letter, and it didn’t really include that I felt a blinding, seething, jealous rage, but it said I was jealous. But he never mentioned getting the letter and he continues to mention Justin.”

“That is quite the quandary.”

“The last time I talked to him, I mentioned that I was a tiny bit jealous, so we’ll see if he keeps talking about Justin. But on the other hand I don’t want him running around behind my back with some guy, who he only knows because the guy hit on him, so I’d rather know if he was talking to him. But I never want to hear about him again!” 

Julia doesn’t say anything, so Kurt continues.

“And what’s worse, is that I should be happy for him, for making friends,” Kurt says morosely.

“So it’s a blind, seething jealous rage, with a heaping side of guilt.”

“Yes. I’m a horrible person.”

“Maybe a little,” Julia says with a grin.

“I know I could just ask him if he got the letter, but part of me hopes it’s lost forever. I feel like it’s a lot to peg on him.”

Julia nods sympathetically.

“On the other hand, he’s got to realize that talking about becoming friends with a guy he only knows because the guy made a pass at him one night would make me jealous.”

“You would think he does.” Julia can tell that at this point Kurt doesn’t even really need her for this conversation, this mostly about getting these thoughts out of his head.

“But maybe he doesn’t.” Kurt pauses. “The only drama we’ve ever had in our relationship has stemmed from the fact that sometimes Blaine doesn’t take into consideration other people’s emotions and how his actions can affect them. Like, I told you how we met right?”

Julia nods. It’s a good story, not one she was likely to forget.

“I left out the part about how at the end of the summer he stopped talking to me completely. And I later found out it was because he didn’t want me to find out that he stuttered. But he just dropped off the face of the earth. It was hard for me. I guess I just always worry about him dropping off the face of the earth again. I would miss him an awful lot.” Kurt’s chin quivers just a tiny bit.

“You’re allowed to miss him. You’re allowed to be jealous, you’re allowed to be mad. But I’m not sure if any of that is really fair if you don’t tell him and make a point of telling him. You can’t say it in passing and let the topic slide. To me it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of this stuff on purpose, he just doesn’t see your side of things.”

“I know. I don’t think he’s it doing it on purpose. I can’t imagine why he would be trying to make me jealous. But it also seems like he’s … bragging or something. Which is so not Blaine, so I’m probably just reading these things wrong.”

“He’s probably just happy and he wants to tell you.”

“And it’s flagrant douchebaggery on my part for not being happy for him?”

“Kinda, sorta, a little,” Julia admits, shrinking away from Kurt. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“No. I know you’re right.”

“And if you’re jealous, you need to talk to him. Like actually talk to him, not just mention it in passing. Especially if he’s going on and on about this Justin guy all the time.”

“Um. Well, that’s the other thing. He’s sort of only brought him up twice.”

“Oh, Kurt,” Julia says as she gives him a disappointed look.

“I know!”

“But do you know, Kurt? Do you really?”

Kurt rolls his eyes. He knows Julia’s right. “It’s just so hard to shake a blinding, seething, jealous rage,” he says.

“You don’t seem particularly rage-full,” Julia notes.

“Well, it’s an internal rage. And it only happens when Blaine writes or says the name Justin. I mean, you could talk about Justin all day long and I would be happy for you. Perhaps when we return to New York, we’ll set you up with Justin.”

“Yes. Pursuing a gay man is a great option for me to go with after everything that just happened.”

“I agree.” He pats Julia’s leg. “You know you can come be friends with all my friends when we get home, right?”

“That sounds like a great idea to me.”

“We’re nice people. When we’re not being unnecessarily snarky or utterly oblivious.”

“The silver lining is that my best friend isn’t my roommate. We were so close to living with each other this year, but at the last second it didn’t work out.”

Kurt rubs Julia’s back.

“This sucks.”

“I know,” he says soothingly.

It sucks for so many reasons.


	16. Chapter 16

_April 19th  
Folder 14  
password: imissyousomuch_

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine  
I keep my eyes wide open all the time  
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds  
because you’re mine, I walk the line

I walk the line by Johnny Cash

I just like this song. It was fun to sing and it reminds me of you and I like Johnny Cash. He’s awesome.

Stop making fun of me in your head.

~~~~~

April 21st  
@ 2:08pm

Blaine: hey!  
I wasn’t sure if you got my email  
Kurt: yep! I’m glad I saw it  
I was going out with Julia  
Blaine: oh, you could go  
I just missed you, so I figured if you were around we could im  
but if you’re busy, we’ll Skype tomorrow as usual instead  
Kurt: No, no, she understands  
we’ll go out in an hour or two  
I’d much rather talk to you for a bit  
she can entertain herself  
Blaine: as long as you’re sure  
the schools are closed this week for April vacation so I have a lot more free time  
without work  
Kurt: Ah, that makes sense  
How is everything?  
Blaine: good. Really good.  
how about you?  
Kurt: Good. Though it sucks that I finally like it here and I’m coming home in a little over a month.  
Blaine: But you’re coming home *in a little over a month*  
Kurt: I know :)  
Blaine: And then you can shave my face  
Kurt: I’m glad you’re looking forward to it  
Blaine: I need a haircut too  
probably a manicure  
Kurt: I’ll see what appointments I have available  
is that a cut and color?  
Blaine: nah  
I like my hair color  
Kurt: I do too  
Blaine: But in any event  
I’m in serious need of some grooming  
Kurt: I can only imagine.  
I feel like you’ve been hiding from me lately  
because you don’t want me to see how “rugged” you look  
Blaine: Perhaps... :D  
(why isn’t there a beard emoticon?)  
I feel bad, you should go hang out with Julia  
Kurt: nah, it’s really ok, she decided to go work on a paper that she’s been putting off  
Blaine: how she’s doing?  
Kurt: she’s been better  
it just sucks what that douche bag did to her  
and even worse because she lost her best friend in the process  
Blaine: seriously  
we’re lucky Kurt  
that we got through this unscathed  
Kurt: BLAINE  
Blaine: WHAT??  
Kurt: You can’t talk like that  
you’ll jinx us!  
Blaine: since when are you so superstitious?  
Kurt: I don’t know!  
but we can’t talk like that  
we’re asking for trouble  
Blaine: you’re awfully cute when you’re superstitious  
Kurt: thank you  
now change the subject, quickly  
Blaine: TOO  
MUCH  
PRESSURE  
Kurt: Julia and I are going to Versailles!  
Blaine: Oh. Delightful.  
Kurt: Yes I agree  
we’re gonna stay at a hostel  
which sounds awful to me  
but we’re pretty much out of money  
Blaine: SugarDaddy!Blaine engage  
Kurt: That’s not weird at all Blaine  
Blaine: I’ve been saving up  
You can have all my gambling winnings  
or I’ll take you to Atlantic City and teach you how to win at blackjack  
Kurt: We could go to AC for your birthday  
that could be fun  
Blaine: THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN  
Kurt: I’m glad you like that idea  
we might have to hold off for a month or so  
but I’m going back to Teen Vogue for the summer  
so let me get a paycheck or two in  
and then I’ll take you for the best freaking seafood buffet you have ever seen  
Blaine: can I have lobster Kurt?  
Kurt: whoa, whoa  
you’re still the sugar daddy  
I’m just accompanying you  
Blaine: I’m just glad you’ve accepted your lot in life  
as my trophy husband.  
Kurt: What do you want to do for your actual birthday?  
Blaine: drink?  
is that too obvious?  
is that going against my hipster roots?  
what do hipsters do for their 21st birthdays?  
Kurt: Chuck E. Cheese  
Blaine: That makes sense  
I don’t want to do that  
for starters, ball pits terrify me  
Kurt: of course they do (fond exasperation font)  
Blaine: I know all too well how fond children are of urinating in weird places  
those ball pits are CESS POOLS  
Kurt: Ok, no Chuck E. Cheese  
Blaine: Thank you Kurt  
for not forcing me to go to Chuck E. Cheese for my 21st birthday  
Kurt: the hipsters are going to revoke your open invitation  
and you’ll have to get your tattoo removed  
Blaine: that’s ok  
But what about my ironic facial hair?  
will they let me keep it long enough for you to shave me?  
Kurt: LIKE A SHEEP  
I AM GOING TO SHAVE YOU LIKE A SHEEP  
you will be shorn  
Blaine: are you going to make a sweater out of my facial hair  
(getting a little creeped out font)  
Kurt: YES  
I SHALL WEAVE YOUR FACIAL HAIR INTO A GLORIOUS SWEATER  
Blaine: A GLORIOUS SWEATER FOR THE GLORIOUS BEARD OF MY BARREN SOLITUDE  
Kurt: It’s all so glorious  
Blaine: it really is  
hey kurt  
Kurt: yeah Blaine?  
Blaine: I miss you like the deserts miss the rain  
Kurt: I miss you like cupcakes miss frosting  
(I read deserts as desserts and now I’m thinking about cupcakes.)  
also, I’m not eating anymore pastries  
so cupcakes have an extra special temptation about them these days  
and I actually did start doing sit-ups  
Blaine: Poophead is not pleased  
Kurt: aw poophead  
why aren’t you pleased?  
Blaine: Because your rockhard abs aren’t going to be fun to rest my weary head on  
Kurt: Oh, like *your* rockhard abs are going to be a treat for *my* weary head???  
Blaine: I’m just trying to look sexy for my man  
Kurt: I suppose I accept that  
Blaine: We’ll just get an extra pillow  
or I’ll wear more layers when you rest your weary head  
Kurt: bahahaha  
now I’m picturing you with a pillow up your shirt  
Blaine: or perhaps one of those sumo suits?  
Kurt: perhaps  
would you rent?  
Blaine: no, no  
I would invest in one, if it suits my trophy husband  
Kurt: I’ll think about it  
you’re a very good fella  
Blaine: Don’t I know it.  
Kurt: so, Johnny Cash, really?  
Blaine: I knew it!  
I knew you would judge my love for The Man in Black!  
Kurt: I just... I’m surprised  
it’s so... country  
Blaine: But it’s good!  
it’s salt of the earth music  
if you ever need an “I’m hungover” song, just listen to Sunday Morning Coming Down  
and try not to feel Cash’s pain  
for real  
Kurt: You pretty much listen to anything don’t you  
Blaine: well, my mom is really into Johnny Cash  
and for a long time, he just reminded me of my childhood  
which I didn’t like  
but now, it reminds me of my mom  
dancing with the vacuum cleaner  
Kurt: I can’t picture your mom dancing with the vacuum cleaner  
Blaine: she is a MEAN vacuum cleaner dancer  
I’m sorry if it makes you sad when I talk about my mom  
I thought of that the other day  
Kurt: no, not really  
everyone has a mom  
so if I got sad every time someone mentioned their mom  
or I saw a mom  
I’d pretty much be crying all the time  
Blaine: I get that  
Kurt: thanks for asking though  
Blaine: not a problem  
so, how are you?  
honestly?  
Kurt: I’m good :)  
I wasn’t lying when I said I’m actually feeling sad about leaving here  
I mean, I still really want to come home  
I miss you so much just thinking about SEEING you in real life makes me feel like crying  
Blaine: I can’t wait to see you Kurt  
so much  
I’ve been trying so hard to be ok  
and I have been  
but it’s because I can’t think too much about it  
it’s like … I side-eye how much I miss you  
but I try never to look it full in the face  
Kurt: like it’s a missing me monster?  
Blaine: YES  
My feelings are like a monster  
Kurt: have I told you lately how cute and dumb and endearing you are?  
Blaine: Not nearly enough  
Kurt: well you are  
Blaine: so are you  
but you’re also pulchritudinous  
and brilliant  
and vibrant  
and mine  
Kurt: I feel like you’re just trying to be like me, with your list of words  
it’s not even alphabetical  
Blaine: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!  
it doesn’t have to be a *good* imitation  
Kurt: so what else have you been up to lately?  
Blaine: ummmmm  
Tina and Rachel took me shopping the other day  
we went to outlets somewhere in New Jersey  
that was an interesting experience  
and then we got Slurpees  
which made it all worthwhile  
Kurt: sounds fun  
Blaine: I bought shoes  
I think you’ll like them  
Kurt: I’m a fan of shoes in general  
Blaine: precisely  
I went out for lunch with DiDi  
which was an experience  
Kurt: oh yeah?  
Blaine: well for starters  
she wanted to go to the diner of our first date  
Kurt: OMG  
did you say anything?  
Blaine: well, yeah  
that it was the first place I went on a date with you  
and then she freaked the fuck out  
Kurt: AHAHAHAH  
Blaine: she was like “Omigah! I knew you looked familiar! I thought I just knew you from around!”  
Kurt: I had a feeling she was the kind of person who says “omigah”  
Blaine: LOL she totally is  
she said she never put me together as one of the “boys from the diner”  
and then we talked about that night a little  
and she said she wasn’t giving us dirty looks  
but that she thought we were really “super cute”  
Kurt: oh man  
that’s too funny  
cause we both totally thought she was judging us  
Blaine: we did!  
and she totally wasn’t  
Kurt: that’s awesome  
how about other friends?  
Blaine: I went for paninis with Kerry  
that was fun  
Kurt: Is Matt still anti-panini? on your Tuesday night Kerry date?  
Blaine: YES and yeah  
we have fun  
Kurt: have you seen Puck lately?  
Blaine: yeah, here and there  
he got a job doing landscaping  
with one of the guys he lives with  
so he’s busier these days  
and has to get up earlier  
Kurt: ah, that sucks  
Blaine: I guess that’s it  
I haven’t really been doing much  
missing you  
hanging out  
playing open mic night with Matt  
Kurt: oh, that’s nice  
anything interesting happen there  
talk to any open mic night strangers?  
Blaine: holy shit Kurt  
if you want to ask if I’ve seen Justin you can just ask  
Kurt: (eye rolling font)  
have you seen Justin?  
Blaine: no! I mean, we’re not actually friends  
we’re … friendly  
Like, if I ran into him, we would talk  
and honestly, I think you’d like him  
Kurt: I like anyone who’s nice to you  
Blaine: exactly!  
but nothing is actually happening there  
Kurt: alright, alright  
Blaine: it’s hard to make friends  
I’m not very good at it  
if I knew what I was doing  
I would have gotten Justin’s number  
Kurt: Oh, so you want to be friends with him?  
Blaine: I want to have friends  
I don’t know  
it’s not a big deal  
it’s sort of embarrassing  
Kurt: what is?  
Blaine: I guess  
how I want to make friends  
but like  
I don’t really know how  
Kurt: you have friends!  
Blaine: I have your friends  
Kurt: You have Matt  
Blaine: Matt was a stroke of luck  
Kurt: Kerry?  
Blaine: I like Kerry  
but I don’t think we would have ever been friends if it wasn’t for Matt  
I would have been too shy to talk to her  
Kurt: What about DiDi?  
Blaine: I guess?  
I don’t know how to explain it  
but we’re only friends because of class  
Kurt: but you feel like you would be friends with Justin on your own merit?  
Blaine: kinda  
Kurt: what about me?  
Blaine: what about you?  
Kurt: Don’t you think you became friends with me on your own merit?  
Blaine: Did I?  
Kurt: I think so  
Blaine: I don’t think we were ever really friends  
Kurt: Of course we were!  
for about a month  
we were just friends  
at least on my end  
then I finally admitted to myself that I had a crush on a faceless boy  
Blaine: blushing font  
I think I had a crush on you from the start  
Kurt: that’s cute  
Blaine: I’m dumb and cute and endearing  
Kurt: you are  
Blaine: you should go hang out with Julia now  
Kurt: you’re right  
she’s getting antsy  
I can tell because she keeps turning the volume up on her computer speakers  
Blaine: ha!  
Kurt: skype date tomorrow?  
Blaine: for sure!  
Kurt: what are you doing this weekend?  
Blaine: Actually  
my parents are visiting  
Kurt: BLAINE!  
that’s great  
Blaine: It kind of is  
things are good  
Kurt: we didn’t talk even about your parents  
Jules can wait a few more minutes  
tell me  
Blaine: I don’t know what to say  
um, I called home (*CALLED* HOME)  
and I asked my dad if he wanted to come here  
and he said yes  
so they’re coming on Thursday night and staying til Sunday  
Kurt: you asked your dad yourself?  
like you didn’t even present it to your mom first?  
Blaine: nope :)  
Kurt: You are a ballsy little devil  
Blaine: really Kurt? really?  
Kurt: That’s actually the first thought I ever had about you  
after I read what you wrote in the online discussion  
wait, that’s not accurate  
the first thought I ever had about you was “Nice ass”  
Blaine: LOL  
that’s hilarious  
Kurt: so things are good with your parents  
I’m happy for you Blaine  
Blaine: I’m happy for me too  
I’m happy for my mom  
because I think she’s wanted this for a long time  
you know, he didn’t even come with us when I moved out here for school?  
Kurt: BLAINE (I didn’t know that)  
stop fixating.  
Blaine: fine, fine, fine  
he’s coming now  
that counts for something  
Kurt: it totally does  
he’s meeting you halfway  
Blaine: it’s on my terms  
it’s really sort of amazing  
Kurt: it is, it’s good Blaine  
good for you  
Blaine: Alright  
go hang out with Julia  
tell her I said hi  
Kurt: yes, I’m going  
we have some drinking to do  
wine to taste  
cheeses to eat  
then when I get home later, I’ll do 20000 sit-ups  
Blaine: and I’ll break my face trying to nuzzle your stomach  
Kurt: that’s the plan  
Blaine: I love you fella  
Kurt: love you too, poop  
Blaine: talk to you tomorrow!!!!  
Kurt: bye Blaine  
Blaine: Bye Kurt


	17. Chapter 17

_April 26th  
Folder 15  
password: onemoremonth_

See the man with the lonely eyes  
take his hand you’ll be surprised

Give a Little Bit by Supertramp (or the Goo-Goo Dolls version, but I prefer the original)

This song reminds me of the day you found me bleeding on the curb. That sounds so dramatic, but that’s always how I think of it. It was a turning point for me, with you. There was still a lot of ground to cover and some bumps in the road, but that afternoon changed things for me.

I was so nervous. I felt like I had no control in the situation. I was hoping that you wouldn’t even try to help me. I remember thinking something like “maybe Kurt will just walk away and go about his life and forget about me and I could quit speech and go back to how my life was before he turned it upside down.”

I was so scared Kurt. Nothing was even happening and I was scared.

I was scared of what you might want from me, which sounds stupid, but I didn’t understand how to talk to you or what I should say and when I should say it. Or if I even could say it. I wanted to push you away because you were this variable that I didn’t understand. I didn’t know how to let you into my life. I certainly didn’t know how to act around you.

What made it so difficult for me, looking back, is that my words always sounded so distorted then, I was worried if you would even really understand me. You knew me online where after the first couple back and forths between us, I started to really be myself. But in real life, I thought I was sort of boring because I kept myself hemmed in by what I perceived I could and couldn’t say. To this day, I’m surprised and impressed with the amount of patience you gave me early in our relationship. We wouldn’t be where we are now if you hadn’t been patient.

But at the time, I was torn between liking you and wanting you to like me back, and never, ever wanting to see you again. I had told Cooper earlier that week that I was planning on moving to Siberia where you would never find me because I was embarrassed and that was before the sapling incident.

And then you were walking me home and you stopped me, and you explained yourself. You said something about how you wouldn’t be bothering with me if you didn’t think I was worth it. You told me I had to give a little bit.

I went home that day, knees aching, pride bruised, and completely humiliated. But I learned the chords to this song and I couldn’t get it out of my head for weeks. It sort of became my anthem and my mantra.

I started to give. Just a little bit.

And my life got a brighter everyday.

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

No, no. I’m not crying.

That’s not a tear, it’s a …

Why am I lying to myself? I’m just going to cry for a little while.

I need to call Blaine.

Why can’t I find my cell phone through my tears?

~~~~~

A moment of Blaine’s mom

Blaine was a hesitant baby. When he learned to walk, he used to look up at me as if to say “You’re sure this is a good idea?” He was barely a year old and his face was already that expressive. He was so different from Cooper, who as a toddler would take every opportunity to run away. I would set him on his feet and he would flee. Blaine, on the other hand, would stand there next to me, a steadying hand on my leg, and look around. Even in his own backyard.

As he got older, around 5 or 6, he was thoughtful and quiet, but had a great imagination. He couldn’t always explain what he was doing, but I would find him in his room wearing a sheet like a cape and yelling gibberish at a teddy bear and laughing.

And then he got older still, middle school age, which isn’t a fun time for anyone, it seemed like all the joy went out of him, like a candle went out in a dark room. He was getting teased and he didn’t know how to cope, so he just stayed inside of himself. He stopped talking in school and for the most part he stopped talking at home. I had no idea how to reach him. Worse than that, I had absolutely no idea how to improve things for him.

When he went to high school, things did improve a bit. He quit speech therapy, and at the time I didn’t think it was a good idea, it seemed to help his general mood. He joined the cross country team, which is a solitary sport, but it also gave him a group of people to hang out with, even if he never went to parties or out with them after meets. I didn’t have to picture him by himself at school all the time at least.

We were at the mall one day over the summer before his junior year of high school. He needed new sneakers and we ran into some of the other boys from the team. They were all so nice to him. They asked him if he wanted to go with them to the movies and he said no. I always tried to keep my mouth shut when it came to this stuff. I know there are a lot of politics in high school and for whatever reason, he wasn’t comfortable going with them.

I couldn’t stop myself from asking him later, because they seemed so sincere. I couldn’t figure out why he would reject their attempt at friendship. 

“You could have gone to the movies with your friends earlier, Blaine,” I said, trying to sound casual. “You could have ditched me. I wouldn’t mind.”

His eyes went wide and then he started blinking. He had so many different tics back then, I always hated setting him off. But I really wanted to understand.

“I-I-I. I dah-dah-dah-don’t rrr-rrrr-really think they wwwwwwwant mmme around,” he said quietly.

“I don’t think they would invite you to the movies if they didn’t want you around,” I countered.

“They ww-ww-ww-were just be-be-be-be-being nah-nah-nice.”

“Well, yeah. Because they want to be friends with you, I think.”

Blaine scoffed and looked away.

“Aren’t they usually nice to you? Do they,” and this was such a hard question for me to ask, but I needed to know. “Do they make fun you, Blaine?”

His ears reddened, but he shook his head.

“Then why do you think they don’t really want to be your friend?”

“No one r-r-r-r-r-r-really wah-wah-wants to be be be be be be mmmmmm-my friend. And I-I-I-I-I-I can’t talk anyway.”

“That’s the thing about going to the movies,” I said, perhaps overly bright. “You don’t have to talk there.”

He was quiet for a minute after that and I thought maybe I had gotten somewhere with him. Maybe next time they asked him to go out, he would say yes.

But instead he said, “When I-I-I’m ww-ww-ww-ith them I-I-I-I-I feel like like like I can’t bre-bre-bre-bre-brea-the.”

He walked away then but I felt like my heart was ripped to pieces. I never bothered him again about making friends or not making friends or going out. I couldn’t.

Several years later, and I just spent a weekend with him in New York and I met half a dozen people who are genuinely his friends. They’re kind to him, they’re interested in him, they talk to him, and he actually talks back.

He laughs, he makes jokes, he raises his voice, he fights to be heard.

He’s everything I ever wanted him to be.

But more than that, I can tell he’s finally found who he wants to be.

~~~~~

A Moment of Chad

Blaine doesn’t even notice it, I can tell.

He doesn’t even recognize his growing fluency. He’ll say something that even a month ago would have included blocks and repetitions and prolongations, but today maybe it has a quick repetition or an “um” at the beginning. He doesn’t fear words the way he used to. And it’s a wonderful thing to watch.

I wish I could take full credit for it. Although, I could never take full credit for it really, because he and I were in this thing together. But a good portion of the credit really needs to go to his adult group therapy, I can tell.

After the first class he told me that he finally understood what people mean when they say they stutter easily. He feels like when he stutters around all those other people who stutter, it falls out of his mouth. He finds that his breath rate doesn’t increase, that he doesn’t avoid words, he just lets himself talk, but more than that, he just lets himself stutter. I didn’t realize he was still having those issues, he must have been hiding them pretty well from me.

I’m proud of him. I’m proud of him for a hundred reasons, but the biggest reason is that he’s willing to admit things. He’s willing to talk about what makes him hesitate, he’s willing to discuss his own flaws. Blaine looks his problems full in the face these days. When he was plateauing earlier this year, I was waiting for him to quit therapy. There’s definitely a facet of the population that would have walked away then. Feeling that they’d learned all they could and therapy is too intense and if they’re not improving they have better ways to spend their time.

Not Blaine. Blaine decided to take on more therapy. To work harder and try harder. And looking at him now, I know it all paid off.

His speech isn’t perfect, he’ll never be “cured.” But this isn’t the time to think about what never will be, it’s time to look at all the work he’s done. And Blaine has worked hard.

He doesn’t even notice it though. He doesn’t even notice the change. He talks more, jokes more, smiles more, enunciates better. He doesn’t shy away from eye contact (or kind words) the way he used to. I wish he could see the change in himself.

I don’t want to tell him, not yet at least, because then he’ll be conscious of it and the magic will be gone.

Or at least that’s what he’ll tell me.

He’s fairly superstitious about his speech.

~~~~~

A moment of Matt

We’re seeing an apartment a couple blocks from the dorm and it’s sort of perfect. The bathroom isn’t gross, the rent isn’t terrible, it’s a railroad style apartment, but that’s ok. Blaine and I are used to sharing a room, so even just having a wall between us will seem like a luxury.

Usually I take the reins with this stuff. It’s a fact of life with Blaine. He smiles and nods and listens intently, but doesn’t ask questions, he doesn’t give opinions. If the landlord walks away for a minute he’ll tell me what he thinks, but I guess it’s usually too much pressure for him to talk in front of strangers.

But today, when the landlord asks if we have any questions, Blaine is quick to ask about utilities. It comes out of nowhere. I try not to look at him or make a shocked face because, hey, it’s one less thing that I have to do.

But it’s like he forgot to be Blaine for a second.

We decide to take the apartment on the spot. It’s really kind of perfect of us, the price is right, and Blaine’s happy that it’s so close to Kurt’s.

On our way back to the dorm, we stop to get a celebratory coffee.

He’s ahead of me in line and when the barista asks for our order, I open my mouth, but Blaine’s there first, ordering for me and him. She asks for a name and he says, “Blaine.” Simple as that.

We move down to wait for our order and he turns to look at me.

“What the hell dih-dih-did I-I-I just do?” he asks quietly.

“I have no fucking clue,” I tell him honestly.

He shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear it and then shrugs and smiles, as if to say “I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.” But he doesn’t have to say it because he knows I’ll understand.

And somehow that’s exactly why he’s my best friend.

~~~~~

A moment of Puck and Rachel

“Did you mention it to Blaine?” Rachel asks out of nowhere, as she absently stirs spaghetti sauce on the stove.

“Did I mention what to Blaine?” Puck asks back, from where he sits on a stool at the kitchen island, cutting up a tomato.

“The party idea,” she answers, rolling her eyes, like he’s supposed to read her mind or something.

“I thought you were gonna mention it to Blaine,” Puck replies.

“No-ahhhhh,” she says, exasperation flooding her tone. “He’ll suspect something if it comes from me, but if you bring it up casually, he’ll never know what hit him.”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t he suspect something if it comes from me? I’m his friend.”

“Because you’re not particularly thoughtful to begin with.”

“What the fuck do you mean I’m not thoughtful? I got you those flowers when you had that crappy day. I’m not a complete dickhead.”

“Fine. You’re not a complete dickhead.”

“Good. Now what do I have to say again?”

“That you were talking to me and I was saying how we should have a welcome back party for Kurt, but since he’s getting back the day before Blaine’s birthday, maybe we should hold off on Kurt’s party.”

Puck raises an eyebrow.

“And Blaine will want to have Kurt’s party instead of doing something for his birthday and he’ll never suspect that we’re actually having a surprise party for him.” Rachel claps her hands.

“Sounds kinda shitty to trick him like that actually.”

Rachel pauses for a second, Puck isn’t wrong.

“It is a little shitty,” Rachel concedes. “But he’ll be so surprised that we’re having a party for him. And Kurt thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Well, if Kurt thinks it’s a good idea,” Puck says as he rolls his eyes, mimicking her. He walks over to Rachel, snakes his arms around her waist and hooks his chin over her shoulder.

“He does.”

“Well then, I’ll mention it next time I see Blaine.”

“Excellent. You’re a good minion,” Rachel coos as she pats Puck’s head.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“You shut the fuck up,” she says jovially.

“Make me,” he challenges. Puck expects a kiss, instead he gets a spoonful of boiling hot spaghetti sauce.


	18. Chapter 18

_May 3rd  
Folder 16  
password: 25moredays_

Do you realize, that you have the most beautiful face  
Do you realize, we're floating in space,  
Do you realize, that happiness makes you cry  
Do you realize, that everyone you know someday will die

Do You Realize by The Flaming Lips

So, I know this song is about the sad stuff in life, but I like it for three reasons:

1\. There’s nothing wrong with being sad.  
2\. Happiness really does make me cry. Kindness too.  
3\. It’s pretty much about worshipping your face. I love your face.

I also really liked how it sounded on piano, so I hope you do too.

~~~~~

The first full week of May is going to be a very long week for Blaine.

It’s the final week of classes and he has a presentation, two papers due and the expressive portion of his sign language final. Everything will be better by Friday. He’ll have several more exams the week after, but he’s not as worried about any of those.

By the time Friday comes around, all he has to do is drop off a paper at his professor’s office hours and then head to speech therapy, followed by work. Then the week is done and he can take a nap and head over to not-Kurt’s apartment for some quality celebratory drinking at Rachel’s “end of semester, very low key, very intimate” get together. He’s 98% sure it will involve a vegan cheese platter. 

Blaine is not the biggest fan of anything vegan. He thinks he’ll stop for some chicken before he goes over to not-Kurt’s this evening.

About halfway through his session with Chad, Blaine gets a bit of a shock.

They’re going about their usual routine, which starts with Chad having him read for a bit. Blaine doesn’t even have to listen to the audiobook anymore. His ability to read aloud has vastly improved over the the past eight months. He still tends to read down the page and get himself worked up when he notices a certain word approaching, but it’s minimal compared to how it used to be.

After that, Chad asks him questions about his anxiety levels and how he’s feeling in general about his speech.

Blaine smiles. “Not bah-bad. I-I-I.” He pauses and pulls out of his block. “It was wah-weird. The other … um, the other day? I ordered coffee and I-I-I just … gave mm-my name. I, I dd-didn’t even think about it. I didn’t even ss-ss-ss-stuh-stutter.” His voice holds a certain amount of apprehensive wonder that makes Chad smile.

“That’s not weird. That’s awesome.” Chad rarely says his own name without stuttering himself, so he knows that this is a huge feat for Blaine. A huge feat for anyone with a speech impediment.

“Yeah, it kinda is, r-r-right?” Blaine asks shyly.

Chad takes a deep breath. It’s time.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe this summer you oh, oh, oh only need to come once a week for therapy,” he tells Blaine.

Blaine hesitates. It’s weird to think of how when he started going to speech he was so opposed to it and now it feels like his security blanket. The idea of seeing Chad only once a week leaves him feeling almost panicky.

“Um. Why?” Blaine asks.

“Because you’re doing really well and you’re gah-going to have a busy schedule and I think it’s a good time to … wean you off a little. What do you think?”

“It mm-makes me um, makes me rr-really nervous.” Blaine clenches his fists. He doesn’t want to outright disagree with Chad. But, he really doesn’t feel prepared for this step.

“That’s ok. That’s totally understandable. That’s why we’re going to try it. And it’s a trial run, for the, the, the summer and you’ll still come once a week.”

“Ok. What if, what if I... I need you mah-more than that though? Can I, can I email you?” Blaine can think of several days over the past year that he made it through only because he had the knowledge that he would see Chad the next day. He needs that net, he thinks. He needs to know that Chad is there to catch him if he falls. No one understands the way Chad does. 

Blaine doesn’t have to pretend around Chad.

Chad raises an eyebrow and gives Blaine a sly smile. “If you’re having a really bad day, you can call me.”

Blaine makes a noise of disgust. “If I’m having a r-r-really bah-bad day there’s no ww-way I-I-I can talk on the phone.”

“Don’t be an assclown. You can talk all you want.”

“Not r-r-really though. It’s not real, rrrrrr-right? I, I, I mean.” He glances over at Chad, his face full of tentative hope. “This little b-b-b-bit of fluency, it’s passing or, or, or something, right? It won’t always be like this.”

Chad shakes his head and grins. “Why would you think that?”

“Bbbb-because it’s only beh-been like a mm-month since I really started improving again and this … feels false. It doesn’t seem real. It’s the mm-most fluent I’ve ever been.”

“Why do you think it’s not real though?”

“Because.” He pauses, searching his brain for exactly the right words to make Chad understand. “Be-be-be-cause, I’m Bah-laine. I-I can’t talk.” He knows that’s not really the best way to describe it, and Chad probably won’t accept it, but it’s all he can get out right now.

“Oh well then. I totally understand that la-la-logic,” Chad says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Who are you then right now? Seeing as how you’re talking. Alex? Ed? One of your other various coffee personalities?”

“I-I kindly request that you take a long ww-walk off a short pier.”

Chad laughs and then sobers. He needs Blaine to understand.

“All kidding aside, I haven’t wanted to bring this up because I knew you would twi-twi-twist it and make too much of it. But you don’t even notice what you’re doing. The way it’s not only about what you’re saying, or how well you’re saying it, but how much you’re saying.”

Blaine looks at him likes he’s crazy.

“Think about the, the, the phrase that you just said. What would that have looked like two months ago, or six months ago, or a year ago?”

“A year ago, I-I wouldn’t have ss-ss-said it.”

Chad nods.

“Six months ago, I-I-I-I wah-would have said ss-ss-something shorter like ‘get out of here.’”

“What about two months ago, Blaine?”

“I ww-ww-would have … abbreviated it, to s-s-s-s-something like ‘take a long walk off a short pier.’ Or maybe not even that. Two months ago I was kind of bah-bah-bah-backsliding.”

“So, what do you think?”

“I-I-I think I’m ss-still nervous about only coming once a week, but I sort of ss-ss-see your point.” Blaine blushes and looks away.

“What?”

“You’ll make fun of mmm-me.”

“Try me.”

“I just. It’s like. Um.” He bounces his knee a couple of times and then looks back over at Chad, “I’m gonna mm-miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Chad responds, honestly. “But you’re not qui-quite rid of me yet.”

~~~~~

Rachel’s end of semester get together has quickly escalated into a full fledged party. It seems like the usual small group of Rachel, Puck, Tina, Matt, Kerry, and Blaine is multiplied 4 or 5 times at least. Everyone took the opportunity to invite extra people. Several people from Matt and Blaine’s dorm, all of Puck’s roommates, a couple of Kerry’s friends, Tina’s cousin and multiple people Rachel knows from a variety of places are all crammed into this fairly small apartment. Blaine even invited DiDi.

It’s not an ideal situation for Blaine. It’s a lot of strangers and he’s got too much on his mind. After leaving Chad’s office, he continued to think about speech therapy and he kept telling himself that he’ll be fine only going once a week.

And then when he got to work, Sarah pulled him aside.

“Hey, I’ve been talking to some of the other head counselors about you,” she told him.

He raised his eyebrows at her in silent question.

“You have a fantastic recommendation letter from last summer and I can’t say enough about how great you are with the kids. And that you’re talented.” She’d caught him playing the piano the week before.

“So we were thinking maybe you’d like to be the music counselor this summer.”

They talked about it a little bit more after that, what it would entail, how much more money he would make being a specialized counselor as opposed to a general group counselor. Blaine was flattered, more than flattered. He just wasn’t sure... Well, about anything. But that’s not all that rare for him. 

He knows today held only good things, but his apprehension about both pieces of news is undeniable. He knows it’s time to slow down speech therapy, but slowing it down might lead to another backslide. And backsliding while he’s working at this new job, a job that’s going to be so much like what he wants to do with the rest of his life, feels like a recipe for disaster.

But what if it isn’t, a little voice in the back of his head asks.

He’s roused from his thoughts when DiDi comes through the door.

“Blaine,” she calls out from across the room. Blaine is, as usual, stationed in his favorite spot, leaning on the kitchen counter. He’s nursing his third beer already. He stands up straighter as she makes her way over.

“Hey,” he says with a smile. “I ww-wasn’t sure if you would come.”

She punches him in the arm. “Of course I was gonna come, silly! I was psyched to see you somewhere besides class or the dumb language lab.” He offers her a beer and she accepts it.

“You could have b-b-brought your roommate,” he tells her, feeling bad. She didn’t have to come alone.

“Nah,” she responds casually. “I was looking forward to just hanging out with you.”

He kind of can’t stop smiling. His friend is here.

Matt and Kerry come over then and introductions are made. Matt asks Blaine if he got his paper in on time. Blaine says yes, before launching into what happened at work after handing in his paper.

He tells their small group about the offer that Sarah made and how he’s worried about it, but they all seem to think it’ll be a great opportunity.

“I didn’t even know you were a musician,” DiDi says. “But I think it’s an awesome idea.”

Matt and Kerry move on then, it’s their turn to play quarters, Kerry telling him they should talk about this more seriously when she hasn’t had two rum and cokes.

“So, why are you worried about it?” DiDi asks seriously, as Blaine goes back to leaning on the counter. He has a brief moment where he can’t help but look at the spot next to him, the spot where Kurt would be.

“Well, I,” he pauses to think. It should be obvious why he would be worried, but it’s so weird to talk to someone who doesn’t really know him. Who don’t know how he fails and fucks up and tries all the time with his speech, but can never quite get it right. “I’m pretty bb-bb-bad at, like, talking. Obviously.”

“Not really though,” she says.

“Um. Yes. Really.”

“Blaine. Can I call you Blaine? I’m gonna level with you here.” DiDi makes one of her ridiculously over the top facial expressions. It’s earnest and kind, with healthy dose of silly. All good words to describe her in general.

He nods and slow smile creeps onto his face.

“Everyone is bad at something. I’m terrible at reading. I have comprehension issues from mild dyslexia. It affects me, but I work at it. Is it gonna stop me doing what I want with my life?”

“I’m gonna guess the answer is nah-no,” Blaine says.

“It’s definitely no,” DiDi agrees. “I’m gonna level with you again.”

This time he nods and chuckles. She’s just so … DiDi.

“Nobody gives a shit about your speech.”

“That’s not r-r-r-really true. People are actually kind of … assholes about it. Nice people dah-don’t give a shit, but there are a lot people who aren’t patient and ss-sometimes they’re mean,” he downs the rest of his beer and grabs another one. “Last fall a little girl asked if I was re-re-retarded.” He might as well be honest with her. Although at this point, he feels oddly nonchalant about that night.

“Ok, so that kind of ruins my pep talk,” she says, making a face.

“It’s ok. The sss-sss-entiment stands. I shouldn’t let my spah-spah-spah-eech mess with what I want to do.”

“Exactly, Blaine! Spot on!” And then she smacks his back.

“Ow. What was that for?”

“That was me prodding you into the bright lights of your future.”

He bobs his head. “I feel prodded.”

“So, what are you doing this summer?” she asks, waggling her eyebrows at him.

“I’m gonna be a mmm-music counselor at summer camp,” he says with a sheepish grin.

“Damn straight you are!” she exclaims.

A little while later, Rachel comes through with her flip cam. “I’m making a video for Kurt!” she cries.

Blaine smiles shyly and waves. “I miss you, dumbass,” he says to the camera.

DiDi waves too. “I feel like I know you!”

Blaine makes wild gestures around DiDi’s head as if to say “Look how much less crazy her hair is now!” DiDi is of course completely oblivious to Blaine’s gesticulating.

After that, he and DiDi move into the living room, where Puck’s strumming a guitar and Matt and Kerry have decided to squeeze into the same chair and make out for several hours.

Blaine asks Puck if he can play a bit, as people gather in the living room and Rachel returns with her flip cam. After Blaine plays a few songs, Matt emerges from his cocoon of Kerry and gestures to Blaine for the guitar. Blaine hands it over, because he needs another beer anyway.

In the kitchen, he chats with one of Puck’s roommates for a minute. He doesn’t remember the guy’s name off the top of his head, but he’s oddly touchy-feely. Either that or the guy is super drunk. Blaine’s on his way to super drunk, so the light arm punches this guy keeps giving him just seem funny, instead of creepy or flirty. (Is he flirting? Blaine’s pretty sure all of Puck’s roommates are straight. But maybe this one is bi-curious.) He catches Rachel filming him again then and he tosses off a mock salute and a wink, knowing Kurt’s going to see it.

DiDi joins him in the kitchen and she seems to be getting fairly toasty herself.

“Blaine!” she cries. “Excellent guitaring! Children will love you.” And then she awkwardly pats his shoulder.

“DiDi, may I-I-I call you DiDi?” he inquires playfully.

“You may call me Deirdre Marshall, as that is my given name,” she slurs.

His eyes go wide and he holds his breath. He stays like, frozen, with a weird smile teasing his lips, as he examines her face more closely. He takes a second to collect that thought. How could he have possibly not known this sooner? All the time they spent at the language lab, out to lunch. He just never thought to ask her last name. And he certainly never bothered to look at her ID or anything. And names just aren’t that important in ASL. 

He’s accidentally become friends with D.Marshall?

Deirdre fucking Marshall.

“What?” she giggles a bit uncomfortably under Blaine’s scrutiny. Blaine realizes he’s been staring at her for the better part of a minute and shakes his tongue loose.

“Your nn-name,” he pauses, licking his lips, trying so very hard not to burst out laughing, “is Deirdre Marshall?”

“Yes. Why?”

Be cool, Blaine, he tells himself. You’re very drunk and she’ll never understand if you explain it now. Maybe you should never explain it. It’s all fairly rude when you get down to it.

“Uh, nothing. I just dih-didn’t know your last nnn-name. Or your full first nay-nay-name.” That was cooler than he has ever been in his entire life.

“I don’t know your last name either,” she says.

“Anderson. My last nn-name is Anderson,” he searches her face for recognition and she just smiles.

The rest of the party passes in a bit of blur for Blaine and he would imagine for everyone else. He finally manages to find Tina and tell her about everything that happened that day. About speech and work and Deirdre fucking Marshall! Although Tina’s been drinking way too many pink drinks with Rachel and seems to think him being a music counselor is the funniest thing on earth.

“Remind mm-me to tell you tomorrow,” he finally says. He feels like he has completely lost control of his eyes and he knows they go oddly wide as he leans in too close to her face.

She makes her goes wide too and leans up to touch noses. “You got it, Blainers!”

He giggles and pulls back to throw an arm around her.

“Becoming friends with you was a very good idea,” Tina mumbles as she wraps her arms around his waist.

He doesn’t want DiDi (DEIRDRE!) to walk home by herself, so he rallies Matt and Kerry and the four of them head out.

“You guys totally didn’t have to do this for me,” DiDi drawls.

“We totally don’t mind,” Blaine drawls back.

When they drop her off, she gives each of them a hug and tells Blaine she’ll see him at their ASL exam next week. Actually, she signs it and Blaine finds that hilarious.

He signs back every piece of sign language that he can remember and that includes the sign for “poophead.”

Matt, Kerry, and Blaine, continue back to their building. Matt’s staying at Kerry’s that night, because her roommate has already moved out.

Blaine enters his dark room and fumbles out of his clothes, barking his shins on just about every piece of furniture and cursing himself for not turning on the light.

“Silly, Blainers,” he says flawlessly to his empty dorm room. “Trix are for kids.”

He puts his head on his pillow and thinks about the awesome email he’s going to write Kurt. And then he decides he’d much rather save all of his news for skyping or maybe even a phone call. A phone call would be great practice. He’s actually disappointed that Kurt’s away for a long weekend in Versailles, because he really can’t wait to tell him everything.

Right before he passes out, he grabs his phone and writes a note:

didi = deirdre fucking marshall

He really does pride himself on being a decent drunk typer.

Blaine falls asleep with a goofy grin on his face.


	19. Chapter 19

_May 10th_  
Folder 17  
password: soonsoonsoon 

You and I  
we might be strangers  
however close we get sometimes  
it’s like we never met

You and I by Wilco

This is another song that reminds me of very early in our non-relationship. We got really close sometimes and nothing ever happened. I take full responsibility for that. I mean, I could have talked to you and probably started things up a bit sooner.

And while it reminds me of our run-ins in real life, it also reminds me of our time talking online. Basically, it’s just a great outline of how I felt for you from the first time I saw you until the first time I saw YOU.

I think you’ll understand the difference.

We’re getting really close to when you come home and I’m sure I’ve said it a lot, but I really love you Kurt. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so glad we’re not just strangers.

~~~~~

On Wednesday evening, Blaine meanders his way from work to group therapy. He has some time to kill, as he usually does on Wednesday nights. All the kids got picked up on time and he was out by 6:30 and his group doesn’t start until 7:30.

He’s hanging out, eating some chicken tenders and fries at his favorite tiny chicken place, when his phone buzzes. He assumes it’s Matt or Tina or somebody texting him and his hands are all greasy and he figures they can wait 5 minutes while he finishes his food. When he’s done, he dumps his trash, washes his hands and checks his phone.

Instead of a text he has a missed call and a voicemail.

From Kurt.

He plays the message as he leaves the restaurant, a thousand thoughts running through his mind in a millisecond. He hasn’t heard from Kurt since Friday because he and Julia were in Versailles and they didn’t have internet access. It’s weird for Kurt to leave a message right now. It’s weird for Kurt to be calling him, period. Maybe he just misses Blaine.

“Blaine, kindly call me as soon as it’s convenient for you,” Kurt says, in a strained voice.

The phone still isn’t Blaine’s favorite means of communication, but he knows he’s going to have to suck it up. He has 20 minutes until group starts. Before thinking much of it, he calls Kurt back.

**Hello. [Kurt’s voice is tired, maybe even a bit rough.]**

_Hey! [Blaine swallows hard.] Um. You called mmmmm-mmmmm-me?_

**Yeah. I got an interesting email from Rachel.**

_Oh, oh, oh, yeah?_

**Yeah. There was video with it. From the party.**

_Um. Yeah. It was a, a, fun nn-nn-nn-nn-night._

**You had fun? I could tell.**

_I-I-I was rr-rr-rr-really dru-dru-drunk._

**Hmm.**

_[A memory dawns on Blaine.] Holy shit! I-I-I-I forgot to, to, to tell, uh you._

**That Justin was there.**

_[Blaine finally realizes that Kurt’s voice isn’t tired or rough, it’s filled with barely contained rage.] What? Um, nnn-nnn-nnn-nnn-no._

**No? That’s weird.**

_I-I-I-I-I dih-dih-dih-didn’t invite him._

**Oh, so someone else did? [Kurt’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.]**

_What? He. I-I-I... uh._

**That wasn’t him flirting with you?**

_Flirting? I-I. [Blaine’s blocked. He gulps a few times. But no words come out.]_

**Oh, come on Blaine. You must remember the guy who was standing in my apartment literally hitting on you. He was all over you and you were laughing. You were just … You were having fun. You liked it.**

_I-I-I-I... [Nothing’s coming out. Kurt’s not even paying attention and Blaine can hardly breathe.]_

**You didn’t think I’d find out. You figured there would be no way that I would ever find out, but then Rachel started recording. And you were flirting Blaine. I saw you!**

_I-I. Kurt. [He’s begging now.]_

**I can’t believe it Blaine. I just can’t fucking believe you would do that. In my apartment, in front of all my friends. It was like you were flaunting it. And I can’t believe none of them told me!**

_Kurt. [Blaine tries again. He’s almost at group therapy now. He’s going to have to go inside in a minute. Or maybe he should skip. No. He needs to get off this phone call. He can’t have a fight on the phone with Kurt. He can’t even explain himself. He’ll tell Kurt he has class.]_

**What, Blaine? What?**

_I-I-I-I-I have... class._

**[Kurt explodes.] Fuck you Blaine! Fuck that! Classes are over. You know that I know that. And I know you don’t have an exam because you told me your schedule this week so we could skype. Stop trying to get out of this!**

_[Blaine feels like he might cry. He’s so frustrated. Kurt never acts like this.] I-I-I-I thought you you you wah-wah-would understand._

**What? What am I supposed to understand this time Blaine?**

_That, that, that. [Blaine sighs.] I-I-I-I’m nn-nn-nn-not lying._

**About which part? Justin? Flirting? Having class?**

_All. [deep breath] All of it._

**All of it?**

_Justin ww-ww-wah-wah-wasn’t at your a-a-a-a-a-apartment. I-I-I-I-I-I dih-dih-didn’t fluh-flirt. I-I-I-I dah-do have class. [He says it in a rush, words bleeding together, but at least he gets it all out.]_

**[Kurt laughs mirthlessly.] So, who’s the guy in the video?**

_I-I-I-I dunno. Nnnnnnnnnn-ot Justin. [Blaine can’t remember at the moment. He talked to lots of people Friday night.]_

**That’s great. So what class do you have?**

_I-I-I-I. I dih-dih-didn’t wwwww-want to tell you._

**I’m rolling my eyes here Blaine.**

_Why are you bb-bb-bb-being su-such a dah-dick? [Blaine blurts this out.]_

**What?**

_You. [Blaine sucks in a breath. Thinking of every single method, technique, trick he can remember when it comes to his speech.] You’re nn-nn-nn-not ss-ss-ss-supposed to to to to act like this._

**You’re not supposed to act like you do either.**

_[Blaine blinks back tears.] I-I-I-I-I. [He sighs and swallows.] Have class._

**Sure. Sure you do, Blaine.**

_I-I-I-I-I dah-do. Can ww-ww-ww-we … i.m. tomorrow?_

**We need to talk about this shit, Blaine. You can always talk when it doesn’t matter, but now it does matter.**

_[Blaine’s silent for a full minute. He’s not blocked on a particular word, he just can’t talk. Kurt won’t accept anything he has to say. Kurt’s not listening.]_

**You can’t ignore me, Blaine.**

_The phone, Kurt. [He’s aware he’s pleading and he sounds pathetic.]_

**Blaine! We have to talk about this. You need to talk to me. It’s not actually that hard.**

_[Blaine pulls his phone away from his ear then. He stares at it for 10 seconds, 15 seconds. He considers throwing it, but that won’t solve anything. Instead he hits “end.”]_

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Wed, May 13th, 11:38pm  
Subject: several points.

1\. I apologize for hanging up on you, but you weren’t listening and I couldn’t talk.  
2\. I was not with Justin at the party. I haven’t seen Justin since the night he talked to me after the work complaint.  
3\. I think you saw one of Puck’s roommates talking to me. I wasn’t flirting. I don’t think he was flirting. I’m 99% sure he’s straight.  
4\. When you called, I was on my way to my intensive group speech therapy class. I’ve been going for about 2 months. It’s helping me a lot. I didn’t tell you about because I was trying to surprise you with how good I sound in real life.  
5\. You seem to have some … issues with me that haven’t come up while you’re away and we need to work it out. I have off from work tomorrow. I’ll be online, in my room, trying to study for my exam on Friday, all afternoon. Please come online and talk to me.  
6\. I can’t skype, I can’t talk on the phone. If we’re gonna do this, I need to type. Maybe I’m not in a position to make demands, but I don’t think I’ve actually done anything wrong, so please at least let me type instead of trying to talk.  
7\. Talking is hard for me. I thought you, of all people, understood that.  
8\. I’m sorry, for whatever you think I’ve done, or whatever I was doing and didn’t realize it. If I knew what it was, I would apologize more specifically.

~~~~~

May 14th  
@ 12:57 pm

Kurt: Hi

Blaine: Hey

Kurt: I got your email

Blaine: good

Kurt: Can I comment?

Blaine: Of course.

Kurt: I’m sorry I got so worked up  
I’ve just felt really disconnected while I’ve been here  
and I shouldn’t have snapped

Blaine: I accept your apology

Kurt: and I accept your apology for hanging up on me  
I also apologize for getting you to that point

Blaine: I’ve never hung up on anyone before  
I felt really guilty

Kurt: Yeah, it’s not as much fun as it would seem to be

Blaine: So I wasn’t flirting

Kurt: I know  
I’m sorry  
it just looked like you were  
and I  
I’ve been dealing with a lot of weird emotions while I’ve been here

Blaine: okay  
you could have told me about them

Kurt: I know  
I tried  
I guess I just never came out and *said* it  
and then I got like mad at you in my head because you weren’t reading my mind

Blaine: Oh, good. That sounds entirely fair to me

Kurt: You do realize you’ve been fairly oblivious to how I feel

Blaine: what?  
how?

Kurt: Telling me about all these new friends  
and bragging about a guy hitting on you?

Blaine: I wasn’t bragging!  
well, I wasn’t bragging about getting hit on  
I was bragging (but not even really bragging) about being able to TALK to people

Kurt: see, but Blaine  
I’m your boyfriend  
so you talking about getting hit on, translates to something more like bragging  
and then I got jealous

Blaine: then tell me you’re jealous

Kurt: I did! I mentioned it!

Blaine: Like barely, you never made me think it was a real issue  
or that it was still an issue  
don’t bottle it up for an entire semester and then accost me over the phone  
that wasn’t fair  
I was basically helpless  
you backed me into a corner

Kurt: I didn’t mean to though

Blaine: and I didn’t mean to make you jealous

Kurt: we’re at a bit of an impasse there

Blaine: so what I else was I doing wrong?

Kurt: I don’t know  
nothing  
everything

Blaine: what? if we’re going to do this, let’s do this

Kurt: well, it was like you didn’t care if you missed or had to cancel an im date or skyping or whatever

Blaine: of course I cared!  
I didn’t care when you missed!

Kurt: but that’s sort of the point, we BOTH have to care

Blaine: You know what I mean  
I care, I care about you and talking to you  
I just didn’t... mind. I didn’t take it personally if you had something else to do.

Kurt: but I didn’t really have anything else to do  
all of a sudden you had SO MUCH TO DO  
you were so busy

Blaine: what. the. hell.  
I told you I was keeping busy because it made me miss you less!

Kurt: You never missed me as much as I missed you

Blaine: seriously?  
seriously Kurt?  
you want to compete about missing each other?  
I was doing my best  
making the most out of a shitty situation  
you used to admire that about me, as I recall.

Kurt: I still do!  
I just had trouble thinking of it like that  
and you have all these friends now

Blaine: HOLY SHIT!  
I thought you *wanted* me to be friends with your friends  
I thought you wanted me to be happy?  
Why are you acting like this?

Kurt: I don’t know!  
I’m jealous  
and I don’t know how to deal  
and I’m too far away  
and you

Blaine: what? I what?

Kurt: you didn’t seem to care  
you were fine

Blaine: I was fine  
I am fine  
I worked at being fine  
mostly because I didn’t feel like sitting around crying for 5 months  
that shouldn’t make me a villain

Kurt: you’re not a villain

Blaine: then what am I?

Kurt: oblivious

Blaine: but I didn’t know I was being oblivious!

Kurt: Yes, Blaine.  
That’s the pretty much what obliviousness entails

Blaine: This isn’t fair  
you should have told me

Kurt: You should have told me about your speech class

Blaine: I wanted to surprise you!  
and that doesn’t compare  
it was a couple hours a week  
and I figured if I failed or dropped out you didn’t have to know

Kurt: who knew you were taking it?

Blaine: Just Matt and Kerry  
I didn’t tell anyone else because I didn’t want you to find out  
I just didn’t want you to know if I failed.

Kurt: But why won’t you let me help you?  
why wouldn’t you give me the opportunity to comfort you if you failed?

Blaine: because  
I didn’t want you to pity me  
I don’t ever want you to pity me

Kurt: there’s a difference between pity and comfort  
there’s a difference between pity and concern  
I want to know about your life Blaine  
it’s like you shared all the wrong stuff

Blaine: I shared all the wrong stuff?  
I had no idea that sharing could be wrong

Kurt: I just mean  
you never told me about the day to day stuff  
the things that were happening on a daily basis  
the little things that were going on in your life

Blaine: you don’t care about that stuff  
that’s boring

Kurt: no, that’s life

Blaine: I never  
I never had anyone to share with like that  
when I’m around you it’s like we’re always talking about BIG stuff  
I didn’t know you wanted to know the little stuff  
and I know I sound so dumb.

Kurt: No. You’re not dumb.  
I think I get it  
Neither of us were trying to hurt the other

Blaine: I was never trying to hurt you  
I would never hurt you

Kurt: I know  
I know, I’m sorry

Blaine: I’m sorry too  
so we’re good?

Kurt: I think

Blaine: I think so too

Kurt: I think I need … a couple weeks

Blaine: Wait. What?

Kurt: We’ll see each other in two weeks  
Would you mind. Can we not talk until I get home?

Blaine: I thought we’re ok?  
I thought everything was ok

Kurt: everything is ok  
or it will be  
but I don’t want to talk to you like this anymore  
I’m tired of have things between us  
Having to talk like this, things get misconstrued  
I’m tired of it  
I want to just have fun for my last two weeks here  
Julia and I have a bunch of side trips planned  
I won’t have much internet access  
we probably wouldn’t have talked more than once or twice anyway

Blaine: are you breaking up with me?

Kurt: No! No! we’re not taking a break even, not from our relationship  
I just can’t do it like this  
we need to actually, physically talk when I get home  
there’s too much to say still  
but I can’t do it like this anymore

Blaine: I could try the phone again?

Kurt: no, Blaine, that’s not what I mean  
I need to see you  
touch you  
be *with* you  
I’m tired of talking to you like this  
and I need some time to think

Blaine: I feel like we’re breaking up  
I feel like … terrible

Kurt: no, we’re not  
I just need time  
you need time too

Blaine: I thought everything was fine  
we were fine  
I can talk! We can talk.

Kurt: Blaine. It’s two weeks.  
we’ve already made it 17  
we can do two weeks without talking

Blaine: I guess  
this feels horrible Kurt

Kurt: I’m sorry. I just need to think.

Blaine: Ok. Ok.  
I’m so sorry

Kurt: I’m sorry too  
this will be good for us  
I swear

Blaine: Alright  
I still love you

Kurt: I still love you too

Blaine: I have to say one more thing  
before we go

Kurt: go ahead

Blaine: You can’t ever talk to me again like you did last night

Kurt: ok

Blaine: I mean it Kurt  
I can forgive you this time  
because we’re far away  
but you can’t do that again

Kurt: I know, I’m sorry Blaine

Blaine: I trust you  
and you really hurt my feelings

Kurt: I didn’t mean for anything I said to come out like that  
when I said “talk” I swear I meant “communicate”

Blaine: It still felt like a low blow

Kurt: Alright  
I’ll do better from now on

Blaine: thank you  
I’ll try too

Kurt: I’ll talk to you two weeks?

Blaine: Yeah  
I don’t like this  
but I’m trying to respect it

Kurt: It’ll go quick, I swear

Blaine: Alright

Kurt: Love you

Blaine: Love you, too

Kurt: bye poop

Blaine: bye Kurt


	20. Chapter 20

To: Chad, From: Blaine  
Date: Thurs, May 14th, 3:38 pm  
Subject: Cancellation

I’m not going to make it to my appointment tomorrow.

Sorry.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Chad  
Date: Thurs, May 14th, 3:42 pm  
Subject: Re: Cancellation

What’s wrong?

And before you ask why I assume something’s wrong, you’ve never canceled. One time you showed up here with what I can only imagine was the bubonic plague, which I then contracted from you.

If something’s wrong Blaine, that’s when you *should* go to therapy.

~~~~~

To: Chad, From: Blaine  
Date: Thurs, May 14th, 3:47 pm  
Subject: Uncancellation

You’re right.

See you tomorrow.

~~~~~

To: Burt, From: Kurt  
Date: Thurs, May 14th, 10:17 pm  
Subject: Prepare to be disappointed in me.

Remember that time that I was all crappy and narcissistic and jerky? No, not that one time, the other time, when you were in Paris and I was complaining about Blaine.

Well, I kind of, sort of let that all build up and get way out of control and then I yelled at Blaine (on the phone) and told him that talking isn’t that hard and … then I told him I don’t want to talk until I get home.

Can you call me when you get this email? I don’t know what to do. I just need to talk to you.

Please don’t yell at me. I know I messed up. And if I can’t talk to Blaine (and I really can’t talk to Blaine right now. I don’t trust myself to not make things worse.) then I need to talk to you. Because I’m 99% sure you’re the only person in my life who won’t immediately take his side. 

You’ll probably take his side when you hear exactly what happened (I’m even on his side), but still, at least you’ll listen to me first.

I love you, Dad.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Matt  
Date: Thurs, May 14th, 11:02 pm  
Subject: What’s wrong?

I can’t help but notice that you refuse to speak and also that you keep sniffling.

And now you left the room without telling me anything and that’s weird. Where did you go? Why didn’t you invite me?

I’ve tried talking to you several times, to no avail, and then I tried im-ing you. I’m hoping that this email will work and that maybe you’ll tell me what’s wrong.

Did you fail an exam? Were people mean at work again? Is it something at home?

I feel like a complete woman saying this, but I thought you knew you could talk to me. But I guess whatever’s bugging you, you don’t want to “talk” about. You can write me an essay. You love writing essays.

Please let me know if I can help, ok?

~~~~~

May 15  
@ 12:08 am  
Matt: Have any of you guys seen Blaine?

12:10 am  
Puck: No, Rachel and I are at a bar.  
Puck: When the hell do you turn 21 so you can start coming out with us?

12:13 am  
Tina: He’s here!  
Tina: I found him pacing outside our apartment when I got home from my cousin’s  
Tina: He’s not saying much.

12:15 am  
Matt: Okay, I wanted to know where he was and he wasn’t answering texts.

12:17 am  
Tina: he seems really upset.

12:20 am  
Matt: do you want me to come over?

12:21 am  
Tina: No, lemme see if I can get him talking.  
Tina: Maybe *you* did something?

12:24 am  
Matt: j’accuse!

12:25 am  
Tina: you’re using that wrong.

12:28 am  
Matt: I know. Still funny though  
Matt: I don’t think I did anything wrong.  
Matt: let me know if I can help.

1:35 am  
Tina: You still up?

1:36 am  
Matt: yup

1:37 am  
Tina: he’s on his way home  
Tina: he wouldn’t really talk to me though

1:39 am  
Matt: So what have you been doing for the past hour?

1:41 am  
Tina: We watched Jimmy Fallon and he seemed to need to cuddle a little.  
Tina: and then when he was leaving he told me Kurt’s mad at him.  
Tina: But he basically ran away before I could get more from him.

1:45 am  
Matt: Hmm. Thanks for the heads up.

1:47 am  
Tina: Hopefully he’ll tell you what’s going on.

~~~~~

To: Matt, From: Blaine  
Date: Fri, May 15, 2:13 am  
Subject: Re: What’s wrong?

I’ve decided to take the essay option, rather than the presentation option.

I’m sure you’re not surprised.

Kurt’s mad at me and currently not speaking to me, but we’re not broken up. He said he needs a little time and wants to spend his last two weeks in Paris not dealing with … something? I’m not sure if he’s trying not to deal with me, or with his emotions, or with communication? I don’t know, I didn’t quite understand his logic.

But he saw a video from the party last week, that happened to capture the 2.5 seconds that I was talking to Puck’s roommate and Kurt decided that must have been Justin hitting on me. So, he watched the video and then he called me and I called him back and then he freaked out and yelled at me. And I couldn’t talk or even explain myself because I hate the stupid fucking phone and he wasn’t listening to me. Everything I said just dug me deeper into a hole. Even though I said about 10 words total. They were all the wrong words. So, I hung up on him.

I wrote him an email, trying to explain myself and apologize for hanging up on him and he accepted everything I said. But then we were im-ing earlier and he said he doesn’t want to talk to me until he gets home. He was very clear on the fact that we’re not breaking up and that he still loves me or whatever.

It feels like we broke up. And I feel really terrible. But I want to respect what he asked me to do.

I can’t really talk about it. I’m way too emotional about the whole thing. I don’t really want to tell Kurt’s friends what happened. I kind of feel like it’s not my place. I’m sure he’ll talk to Rachel or something soon.

This essay doesn’t have a clear thesis statement or a conclusion. I apologize.

~~~~~

To: Puck, Rachel, Tina, Kerry, From: Matt  
Date: Fri, May 15, 4:38 pm  
Subject: code red

This is not a drill.

The fight/drama we’ve been waiting for all semester has actually erupted.

I’ve been waiting for Blaine to leave for his exam to send this email. I feel like he’s been watching me, silently, waiting for me to do something all day. It’s like he knew I wanted to get in contact with you guys. It was weird. I’m not sure why I didn’t just leave myself. It basically turned into a stand off. I swear he backed out of door giving me a suspicious look.

Anyway.

So he says they had a fight, that Kurt’s mad at him and doesn’t want to talk to him until he gets home. But Blaine doesn’t seem to really understand what he did wrong. Apparently Kurt called him and yelled at him and then they continued the fight via instant message.

I know we said we wouldn’t meddle, but I figured we should all be aware of what’s going on.

Also big ups to Tina for calming him down last night. When he got back here, he at least seemed less anxious.

He still wouldn’t talk, but he seemed less on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

~~~~~

To: Rachel, From: Julia  
Date: Fri, May 15, 11:33 pm  
Subject: You don’t know me. Don’t be frightened.

Hey, I’m Julia, Kurt’s friend in Paris? I stole your email out of his contacts. I’m not a crazy person, but I’m really concerned about Kurt.

He’s acting really weird and I’m about to spend a week with him at wine tastings and I was wondering if you might have any advice? Something to get him talking?

I’ve tried all the usual. Complimenting his ensemble, talking about my own issues (usually he loves to commiserate), blatantly asking him what’s wrong. He’s not giving me anything. I think it’s about Blaine but I’m not sure.

So, yeah, any help would be greatly appreciated. Or maybe you want to get in touch with him yourself? Maybe he needs someone from home?

~~~~~

To: Julia, From: Rachel  
Date: Fri, May 15, 6:53pm  
Subject: Re: You don’t know me. Don’t be frightened.

Hi! It’s nice to meet you. (via email.)

I think I am going to try to call him, but I’m also going to add you to an email chain we currently have going. Take a look at what Matt said originally. You were right, it is about Blaine.

We’ll figure it out. Not that it’s really any of our business, I suppose, but they’re really good together and we want to do what we can to make sure they don’t mess up a good thing. Also, losing Blaine would leave our group oddly lopsided because we probably wouldn’t talk to his roommate or his roommate’s girlfriend anymore and we really like them too.

Basically, I think we just want to try to keep them from having a breakdown during the next two weeks, so we’re going to need your help with the Kurt end of that plan. Obviously.

~~~~~

To: Matt, Puck, Tina, Kerry, Julia, From: Rachel  
Date: Fri, May 15, 7:03 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

I added Julia to the email chain. She says she knows something’s up with Kurt, but that he’s not saying anything.

Julia, I meant to ask, when do you guys leave for your wine tasting tour? (Jeez you guys are lucky. Someday Puckerman, you’re taking me to France for a wine tasting tour. You’ve been warned.)

So, do we intercede, mediate? Or wait for them to come to their senses?

~~~~~

To: all, From: Tina  
Date: Fri, May 15, 7:52 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

I think it’s good we all know what’s going on. I think we need a game plan, but I don’t think we should mediate. It sounds to me like they’re not breaking up, they’re just confused.

I think Rachel should try to call Kurt.

I think Matt should continue to be an awesome roommate.

Also, welcome Julia. Sometimes when Kurt’s feelings are hurt, he curls in on himself. He might not want to say anything at all about this and that’s ok. But maybe Rachel can get it out of him.

Do you have any ideas from your end Julia? Has Kurt said anything before this that you might think this is about? I think this seems sort of out of nowhere, considering the semester is almost over.

~~~~~

To: all, From: Puck  
Date: Fri, May 15, 8:18 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

I think we should all back the fuck off.

Does this mean we don’t have to help Matt and Blaine move this weekend?

(Fuck wine tasting. If we go to Europe it’s for Oktoberfest.)

sent from my iPhone.

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Burt  
Date: May 15, 8:33 pm  
Subject: How ya doing?

Been thinking about you pretty much since we got off the phone. I hope you’re feeling better than you were last night, bud. 

Call me if you need me. 

Love- Dad

~~~~~

To: all, From: Matt  
Date: Fri, May 15, 8:37 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

Dear Puck- you’re not getting out of it. Love, Matt.

I don’t think we need to mediate, I agree, but I do think we need to … “all hands on deck” this situation. So, yeah, Rachel should call Kurt. And I’ll make sure Blaine doesn’t lose his shit over the next two weeks.

And yes. I am an awesome roommate. Excellent point Tina.

 

~~~~~

To: all, From: Kerry  
Date: Fri, May 15, 9:38 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

Blaine just texted me. He wants me to meet him at the Chicken Crib.

I’ll keep you informed.

~~~~~

To: all, From: Kerry  
Date: Fri, May 15, 11:02 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

So I don’t necessarily feel comfortable telling you guys everything Blaine said, I don’t want to breach his trust or something. For two reasons, actually. One because I don’t think that’s cool in general to do to a friend, but also because I’m really happy that Blaine trusts me enough these days to talk to me period. I mean, this from the guy who didn’t speak to me directly, or while making eye contact, for the first 4 months that I knew him. 

In any event, I think he’s ok. Not great, but he’s not freaking out to the extent I was expecting.

He’s sad. And I think he’s bummed because he can’t quite figure out what he did wrong. I don’t want to put words in Kurt’s mouth, but I think Blaine was being sort of... careless with what he told Kurt, and also how he told Kurt, about things while Kurt’s been away.

I think it seems like they’re both vaguely at fault, but kind of like this would never have happened if Kurt wasn’t away anyway. I don’t think they could have had a fight like this if they were in the same place. They may have had a different fight, but I think this one was a lot about feelings that don’t translate well via written mediums. And I know they’ve been skyping a lot and even talking on the phone sometimes, but I think Blaine was pretty unaware of how he was presenting himself to Kurt. And Kurt wasn’t being forthcoming with how upset he was about some of the stuff that Blaine was telling him.

Alright, enough psycho-analysis of these boys. I have a feeling they’ll pretty much make up the second they see each other. We just need to keep them afloat (in their respective seas of tears) until they’re reunited.

Two weeks guys. We can do it.

~~~~~

To: all, From: Matt  
Date: Fri, May 15, 11:48 pm  
Subject: Re: code red

I’m very jealous of Kerry’s blossoming friendship with Blaine. I thought that I should get my feelings out of the way before it becomes an issue within our relationship. We’re going to need to talk this out Kerry. Did he even mention me while you were together??? (I wish I wasn’t only half joking. I feel protective and sort of territorial about Blaine.)

In other news, I think we’ve got this covered. We’ll be busy all weekend moving anyway and then we’ll just find stuff for him to do over the next few weeks. And at least Kurt’s going away, so that should keep his mind off of this.

~~~~~

To: all, From: Julia  
Date: Sat, May 16, 10:42 am  
Subject: Re: code red

Wow. First of all, I wish I had friends like you guys. This has been a seriously awesome insight into why Kurt misses you all so much.

Second of all, hi I’m Julia. Can I be your friend?

Third of all, Kerry’s pretty much right on with her impression of the situation. I mean, I don’t know what Blaine’s thinking, but Kurt’s been feeling a little jealous this semester, I think of everyone that Blaine’s been hanging out with and talking to. I know he feels left out. I also don’t want to spill too much of what Kurt has said to me, but he did say at one point that he felt like Blaine was oblivious to his feelings. On the other hand, he also admitted to not necessarily making that clear to Blaine.

In any event, he and I are leaving Monday morning and we’ll be gone for 8 days. Then we’re coming back to Paris and staying in a (shitty) hotel here until our flights later in the week. Kurt leaves the day before I do. So, if Rachel gives him a call tonight or tomorrow, that would probably be perfect.

Also, I’m not actually joking about the second point above. How does one go about joining this group? My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend while I’ve been away and I’m in the market for an entirely new social group. Let me know. I’d pay dues, or get references. Kurt seems to like me! (I’m not actually crazy. I swear.)


	21. Chapter 21

A phone call between Rachel and Kurt  
Sunday, May 16th, 12:08 pm EST

**Hello?**

Hey, Kurt!

**Hello, Rachel. [He’s not surprised to be getting a call from her. He’s actually surprised it didn’t happen sooner.]**

How’s it going?

**Cut the small talk. I know why you’re calling.**

You do? How could you possibly?

**[Kurt feels like he can hear her batting her eyelashes innocently.] You’re calling to yell at me for being mean to Blaine.**

Um. False.

**I know he must have told you that I was an asshole to him.**

He actually didn’t say much about it, to me or anyone really, I don’t think. I know that something’s wrong.

**Oh.**

So I’m calling to check up on you, not yell at you.

**[Kurt sighs.] I figured everyone would be on his side.**

For starters, there are no sides. For seconders, I’m friends with both of you.

**Seconders?**

I’m sticking with that word. It’s useful and it should exist.

**[Kurt smiles. He can’t help it. Rachel tends to cheer him up no matter what.] I miss you, Rach.**

I miss you too, Kurt. Why didn’t we talk much while you’ve been away?

**I don’t know. I think it was my fault. I was trying to avoid being sadder than I was.**

[Rachel hums non-committally.]

**[He’s quiet for a second.] So is the point where the interrogation begins? Is this when you start asking the hard hitting questions?**

I don’t know. Is “are you ok” a hard hitting question?

**Honestly? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t mean to go off on him. I just... I’m tired of missing him?**

Why did you go off on him then?

**You really don’t know? He didn’t tell you guys?**

Well, he told Matt and Kerry. But I haven’t talked to him at all myself.

**You... haven’t talked to him? Since Wednesday? You don’t know if he’s ok?**

I’m sure he’s ok.

**[Kurt sighs.] Are you going to see him soon?**

I’ll see him today. We’re all going to help him and Matt move. They got an apartment a couple blocks from here.

**See? This is my problem. He never even told me they found an apartment!**

But why is that a problem? Maybe it just didn’t come up?

**He never tells me anything! He never tells important things, like about getting an apartment or when he gets a complaint lodged against him at work or that he’s going to group speech therapy. But he also doesn’t really tell me unimportant things.**

So then, what do you guys even talk about?

**Well, we talk about big stuff, like stuff with his dad and speech. I don’t know. We talk about classes and we talked a lot about how my trip hasn’t been exactly what I expected.**

That sounds like conversation. I think you need to explain how this started.

**I guess it all started with me going away. I know you know I was worried. But it didn’t get any better. But I didn’t really feel like talking about it, to you or him or anyone really. So instead I let it … grow. Fester. And then Blaine started telling me about all these friends he was making and guys who were hitting on him...**

One guy, Kurt. It was only one guy. And it wasn’t exactly the scene you’ve built it up to be in your head.

**You saw it?! [Kurt’s indignant.]**

Yes. I was working that night, but it was hardly anything.

**But Blaine _talked_ to him! And then he talked to him again a different time!**

Um. Yeah. But I feel like you’re looking at this the wrong way. _Blaine_ talked to him.

**And then he bragged about it.**

He bragged about getting hit on?

**Well, he claims he was bragging about the talking thing.**

Kurt.

**Rachel.**

I’m not taking sides, but I have to say that I think you might be acting a tad unfair on this point. I can tell you the time I saw Blaine talk to this guy, it was entirely innocent. He quite obviously wasn’t interested in the guy. He didn’t even know he was being hit on. I bet it never even would have come up, except that we were all teasing him about it afterwards.

**You guys teased Blaine? He... you didn’t hurt his feelings, right? [Kurt’s mind goes to an image of bashful Blaine, face tensed and blinking, while a roomful of Kurt’s friends tease him. Kurt shakes the image away.]**

Of course not! He was laughing too.

**So, what else happened?**

He was worried you’d be mad at him. That’s why he decided to tell you about it.

**There was other stuff he should have told me about and didn’t though.**

Hold that thought. I feel like I still don’t know how this fight started though. You picked a fight with him in May because he talked to a guy in March?

**Oh. Well, no. You know that video you sent me?**

Yes...

**You filmed Blaine talking to a guy.**

Yeah, Puck’s roommate, Scottie.

**I thought that was Justin.**

Ohhhh. Damn. That sucks. Justin wasn’t there.

**Yeah, I didn’t know that.**

I’ve never even met Justin.

**Again, with me not knowing these things and building them up in my head.**

And Scottie’s really handsy.

**Yes. Yes he is.**

Oh, God. That’s terrible Kurt. I’m sorry about that. I thought you knew Scottie and wouldn’t think twice about him talking to Blaine.

**What are you sorry about? I’m the one who’s been in a blinding, seething, jealous rage for the past 2 months and never bothered to get any of the information clarified. So instead of knowing that Blaine wasn’t flirting with some other guy in my own apartment, I made wild assumptions. And then called him on the phone...**

[Rachel can’t help but interrupt.] His most hated form of communication...

**… and backed him into the a corner.**

Oh, Kurt. [Rachel’s voice is slightly judgmental. Perhaps fondly judgmental.]

**See you should be on his side!**

Oh, Kurt. [Rachel’s voice is bordering on sympathetic this time.]

**I made him block so badly Rachel. I wouldn’t let him talk. I just kept yelling and getting more and more angry. And then I thought he was lying to me about having class, so I yelled at him more and I swore and he was trying to talk and … I wouldn’t let him.**

I didn’t know any of this. This is...

**It’s bad, Rachel. It’s bad. He should be so mad at me.**

Hmm. [Rachel doesn’t want to agree, doesn’t want to sound like she’s taking sides, but she’s finding it hard to keep her mouth shut.]

**Anyway. He hung up on me.**

Wow.

**I know. And then he wrote me an email. Apologizing for hanging up and explaining that the guy he was talking to was Puck’s roommate. And then he told me that he was going to group speech therapy, that was the class he had that night. He said he was going to surprise me with how much better he sounds when I got home. [Kurt sucks in a breath.] I am a dickhead.**

Aw, Kurt. I don’t think you’re a dickhead.

**Kind of I am. It’s all my fault.**

So, if you think this is all your fault, why aren’t talking to him?

**I feel like I need time.**

Time for what?

**To think. To stop being mad. To stop feeling so guilty. To have fun for the next couple weeks.**

Are you having fun?

**Yes and no. But I know if I talk to him I’ll just fall into the same stupid mindset that I’ve been in all semester. And I’d rather just wait and talk it all out with him when I get home. Or maybe he’ll forgive me and we won’t ever have to bring it up again.**

I know he’ll forgive you, but you’re still going to have to talk it out.

**I know. [Kurt sighs.] When we were im-ing he really stood up for himself. It would have been refreshing, if it wasn’t my fault he had to stand up for himself in the first place. He told me I’m never allowed to talk to him like that again. That he can forgive me this time because of the circumstances, but that I really hurt his feelings.**

Well, I’m sort of proud of him, too then. I’m impressed that he spoke up about it.

**I really backed him into a corner. I said that he never talks when it’s important and that talking isn’t actually that hard.**

Oh, Kurt! [This time Rachel doesn’t even try to disguise her disappointment.] That’s like... a really terrible thing to say to Blaine. I’m sorry. But that was dick. I’m not saying you’re a dickhead, but that was a dick thing to say.

**I swear I meant talk as a synonym for communicate!**

But on the phone it doesn’t translate that way.

**I know. Consider me chastised.**

I wish I could give you a hug.

**I wish you could too. When you see Blaine later, can you give him a hug for me? Don’t tell him it’s from me.**

I’ll give him a nice tight one. I promise.

**Thank you.**

Is there anything you want me to tell him? Or anything specific you don’t want me to tell him? I have a feeling I might need to have a heart to heart with him too. You boys are so alike in so many ways.

**If you think I said something that’s really pertinent to the conversation, tell him. No matter what. I can’t talk to him right now. I just can’t. But if you talk to him, and you feel strongly about something that he should know, I trust you. I would have said all of this to him.**

Then why don’t you?

**Rachel. I can’t right now. I fucked up. We need time.**

Don’t beat yourself up over it.

**I’m trying not to. But I think I sort of deserve to wallow in my guilt for a bit. It’s my punishment.**

You’re kind of punishing him too though. 

**I never said it was a logical punishment.**

[Rachel can’t help but smile at that.] I almost understand Kurt. I promise. But I should go, it’s just about time to help them move. Have fun on your trip.

**Alright. I love you, Rach.**

I love you, too, Kurt. Call me if you need me ok? Anytime, doesn’t matter.

**Thanks. Bye.**

Bye.

~~~~~

Blaine’s puttering around his apartment on Thursday afternoon. Classes are over, exams are over. Given all the variables, he actually did pretty well, grade-wise. He doesn’t have work today. He’s basically just trying to keep his mind off his problems with Kurt, when there’s a knock at the door.

He peeks through the peephole and is surprised to see Rachel standing there for two reasons. One, their building has a buzzer system, and two, he figured she’d be on Kurt’s side. He had seen her on Sunday while they were moving and she’d given Blaine a nice hug, but he figured... Actually he’s not sure what he figured. It was a really nice hug. He just assumed that she wouldn’t really talk to him until he and Kurt made up. Eventually. Hopefully.

He swings open the door.

“Hi,” she says with a broad smile.

“Hi,” he says tentatively.

“I snuck in as someone was leaving.” Well, that explains surprise number one.

“Okay. Do you wah-wah-want to come in?” he asks.

“Actually, I’m here to see if you want to go out. I need to go to Target. I thought maybe you’d like to come.”

“Um. Sure.” He pauses and looks around.

“What?” Rachel asks, sensing his discomfort.

“I feel like you shouldn’t um, shouldn’t um, b-be here.”

“Because you’re mad at Kurt?”

“No, be-be-be-be-because Kurt’s mad at me,” Blaine says soberly.

“What do you mean?” Rachel asks, as Blaine gestures then for her to come inside. They might as well talk this out, before they go anywhere. Rachel enters the apartment and they both sit on the couch. Rachel with her body turned fully in Blaine’s direction.

Blaine isn’t facing her, feels like he can’t quite face her. So he sits facing straight ahead and stares at this hands, lacing and unlacing his fingers. “Isn’t this like b-b-bray-breaking some kind of friend code? Hanging out ww-ww-with mmmme? I’m pretty sure I’m the enemy or ss-something.”

“Do you really think Kurt would be mad at me for hanging out with you?”

Blaine shrugs uncomfortably. He feels like Kurt could be mad at anyone for almost anything at this point.

“I’m your friend too, Blaine. I want to hang out with you.” She pauses, unsure as to how to explain herself further. She decides to just jump right in. “I talked to Kurt the other day.”

“You did?” Blaine wants to ask so many questions, but he knows he doesn’t want Rachel to betray Kurt’s trust. And he knows he only has 8 more days to get through and then hopefully he’ll get to see and talk to Kurt and they’ll be able to work everything out. But knowing Rachel has spoken to Kurt, makes him seem so close. He squeezes his eyes shut for a second, momentarily overcome by how much he misses having even a tiny shred of communication with Kurt.

Rachel nods.

Blaine sucks in a breath. “I mm-miss him so muh-much.” His chin quivers and his chest aches with what he can only assume is longing. He hopes it’s longing. Blaine’s been worried that what that ache in his chest really signifies is the end of his relationship with Kurt.

“Hey, hey,” Rachel says softly, putting a hand on Blaine’s arm.

“It’s like. It’s like I miss him and I’m m-m-m-mad at him at the ssss-same time. And I’m mm-mm-mad at him be, be-cause I mmmm-miss him or something. Or maybe I’m mad at myself be-be-because I-I-I-I mm-miss him, even though I’m mm-mm-mad at him.” He shuts his eyes and feels a lump growing in his throat. “I’m sorry. That doesn’t mm-make any sss-sense.”

Rachel rubs his arm soothingly and somehow that’s what breaks him. He hasn’t cried about the fight he had with Kurt, he was close the night on the phone, but that was frustration more than legitimate sadness. But he can’t hold it in another second. Rachel draws him into her arms and he lets his tears flow. She rubs his back and he gets himself under control in a minute or two. He already feels better.

When he pulls back, Rachel asks, “Are you okay?”

He laughs bitterly and wipes at his eyes. “I’ve b-b-been beh-better.”

Rachel smiles kindly.

“I’m just r-r-r-r-really tired of missing Kurt.”

“He said the same exact thing about you.” Then she curls up next to him and puts her head on his shoulder. “But he’s coming home soon.”

“I’m sssss-cared.” The phrase is out of his mouth before he really even has a chance to think it over. But the relief of saying those two words is almost immediate.

“Of what?”

“Of s-s-s-s-seeing him and still beh-beh-being mm-mad.” This is the thought that’s been niggling in the back of his mind since they stopped talking. This is the thought that he’s been afraid to even look full in the face. This is the thought that could potentially ruin everything.

“Are you mad right now?”

Blaine rubs a hand across his face. “I’m a little angry. I-I-I-I... I-I-I d-d-d-don’t like what he ss-said to me. I never expected him to, to, to talk to mmmmme like that.” Blaine sighs. “Buh-buh-ut on the other hand, he apologized. And it w-w-w-w-was the heat of the mo-mo-mo-moment... Did he tell you wha-wha-what he sssss-said?”

“About talking not being that hard?”

“That. B-b-ut what actually pissed mmm-me off was that he ss-said, he said, I-I-I-I can always talk when it dah-dah-dah-doesn’t mmmm-matter.” He shakes his head. “That’s nah-not fair though. I-I-I want to talk all the time. I-I-I-I have ss-so mmm-much shit in mmmmy head that I, I, I wah-wah-want to say and so many ideas and thoughts and everything. I’m happy when any of it w-w-w-will come out.” 

He starts blinking. He’s getting emotional again, but he really wants to explain this to Rachel. Blaine hates getting emotional these days. It messes with his speech and ruins the little bit of fluency he’s been gaining. But he presses on.

“I-I-I thought he wwwwas happy, too. I-I-I thought he just liked me, loved me for mmm-me, whether I I I can talk about the important stuh-stuff or not.”

“He says he meant talk as in communicate.”

“He sss-said the sss-same thing to mmmmme. It’s nah-nah-not that I don’t b-b-b-b-believe him... When he ssss-said it, it felt like he mmm-meant it. It felt like he wah-wah-wah-wanted his words to sssslap me.”

He looks at Rachel, meeting her eye for the first time since they sat down.

“And they did. They hurt mm-me.”

“That happens sometimes, with words,” Rachel says.

“And I-I-I know I messed up too. And that mm-mm-maybe my ww-words were hurting him, for a long time, buh-buh-buh-ut that wasn’t my intent. Intent is important.” Blaine looks at Rachel and she’s nodding.

“Intent is important. And I know for a fact that Kurt didn’t intend to hurt you. I think he was just … trying to get your attention. To make you listen.”

Now it’s Blaine’s turn to nod.

“I-I-I want to forgive him.” 

He swallows thickly, his throat still constricting with emotion, but he feels better. Talking to Rachel has without a doubt made him feel better.

“Then you will,” she says, a small smile working at her lips. The boys will get through this, of that Rachel is sure. Talking to Blaine has really shed light on the issue for her. And if they don’t resolve it themselves after reuniting, she might mediate. Because even if they’re not quite on the same page, they’re at least in the same chapter.

“You think that’s how it w-w-w-works?” Blaine asks honestly unsure.

“I think it can. If you love someone enough.” She gives his hand a light squeeze. She knows it’s a cliche sentiment, but it seems like more than anything Blaine is looking for permission to forgive Kurt. “Do you think you still love Kurt enough?”

Blaine smiles, his lip quivers just a tiny bit, and he takes a deep breath. “I love Kurt mm-more than anything else in the whole w-w-w-world.”

“Then everything will be fine,” Rachel states definitively. She draws Blaine into another hug and they sit like that a little longer.

Then they go to Target, where Blaine buys a whimsically printed shower curtain to cheer himself up.

He goes home and hangs his new shower curtain and comes to terms with the idea of letting go of whatever anger he has left about his fight with Kurt.

When Matt gets home later and heads into the bathroom, Blaine’s general mood is probably the best it’s been in a week. And when Matt exclaims “A robot shower curtain!” Blaine can’t help but laugh.

Everything is going to be fine.


	22. Chapter 22

Kurt’s letter

March 14, 2015

Hey poop-

I’m sitting on a plane, somewhere between France and what seems like the rest of the world and it all feels like too much.

I wish I was with you.

I wish I was on my way to Canada with you and all of those idiot boys. I wish I was in New York watching you perform at open mic night. I wish I was waiting for you outside of work in the freezing cold night air. I wish I was anywhere but on this flight right now, zooming towards a destination I don’t really give a shit about.

And the only reason I don’t give a shit about it is because I know you’re not there waiting for me.

I miss you so much right now Blaine and I have to be honest. After thinking about it a little bit more, I am jealous about the guy hitting on you, but not for the reason you might think. I’m jealous that he *got* to hit on you. I’m jealous that he’s there and I’m not.

I’m jealous for the regular boyfriend reasons, too. But a lot of what I’m feeling is these terrible “I wish I was there” emotions. And then there are other things, deeper worries and insecurities that I almost feel bad to dump on you. But I need to get them off my chest.

I always knew other guys would eventually start noticing you. I mean, guys (and girls, too) probably notice you all the time, but for whatever reason they just don’t approach you. But I knew someone, someday would approach you and then you would realize that you have choices. I think in some ways I’m insecure about the fact that I’m pretty much your first everything and I worry that you’re suddenly going to decide to go … sow your wild oats with some other guy.

I worry that you’ll find someone who suits you better than I do, that you’re more attracted to or you have more in common with. What if you’re the perfect Blaine to my Kurt, but in the end, I’m not the perfect Kurt to your Blaine? 

And I know I shouldn’t worry about that, because even if it happened, it’s your choice and your feelings and your life and there’s nothing I could do to stop you. I don’t want it to happen, but if it did I think I love you enough to let it happen, to let you go, if that makes any sense. I would never want to keep you if you were unhappy with me. I try not to dwell on those thoughts, but I have to admit that they exist.

The thought that I continue to dwell on is how badly I wish I was with you right now. I hate missing out on everything that’s happening in your life. I can tell you’re changing Blaine, I hear it in your voice and I see it in your face (and before you say it, I don’t just mean your beard) and I read it in every word you write to me. You’re evolving, you’re becoming that better Blaine you’ve been dreaming of your whole life.

And I’m stuck in a city that I’ve been dreaming of my whole life feeling like the biggest loser and wishing I could be with you. Worrying that since I’m not with you that you’re forgetting about me and outgrowing me. And now there’s this other consideration in the mix, this other variable, this idea of losing you to someone else.

It makes me feel needy and insecure and a hundred other things I hate feeling. I realize it’s only because I’m not there. I don’t think I would ever feel this way if I was with you and seeing you and kissing your pulchritudinous face. But I know it made me feel better to write it all out.

I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever send this letter and even if I do, it’ll take forever to find a stamp and somewhere to mail it from and then who knows how long to actually get to you.

I miss you and love you more than I ever knew I was capable of and I really, really believe it’s enough. Please let it be enough. I hope...

Well, I don’t know what exactly it is that I hope, but there’s a lot of hope in my heart and it’s all because of you.

Love, Kurt

~~~~~

To: Kurt, From: Blaine  
Date: Mon, May 25, 11:48 pm  
Subject: [no subject]

I know you don’t want to talk and I’ve been arguing with myself all day about sending this email, but I decided I needed to.

It turns out that Matt has had the letter you sent me from Italy, lost in a stack of mail since March. And he discovered it this morning. (In case you’re wondering I have given him a very stern talking to.)

I think you need to read/listen the rest of the flash drive.

Folder 18: iloveyouanawfullot  
Folder 19: youraremyfavorite  
Folder 20: thisonesforyou

I left these three songs for last, because they’re the three that mean the most. And I think they’re the ones you really need to hear.

I love you. I miss you. And I hope, too.

~~~~~

Folder 18

You can bend my ear  
We can talk all day  
Just make sure I'm around  
When you've finally got something to say

Something to Say by Toad the Wet Sprocket

I picked this song because this is how I like to think that you feel about me. I could talk to you for hours and hours and maybe not say anything important. But when it’s time to say something important, you’ll be there to listen just the same. And I think you know the difference between when I’m talking for the sake of talking and when I’m telling you something.

Sometimes when I talk, it’s almost like I don’t want anyone to listen. If no one’s listening then they’re not noticing how much I mess up and they’re not going to laugh at me or make fun of me. I’ve never wanted anyone to listen to me as much as I want you to listen to me. But it’s like there are still times that I wish you weren’t paying so much attention.

Because, I also assume that you know what I’m saying when I say nothing at all. Like you not only read between my words, but you read around them. And that usually would make me feel like I have nowhere to hide. But I don’t want to hide from you.

The way you look at me sometimes, I also know that you read my facial expressions, my body language, my everything. There are times that I don’t have to talk to you for you to know exactly what I need, for you to see in me exactly what I want from you. I love you for that so much Kurt. I love you for taking the time to see what I can’t say. To look for me, behind whatever walls I build up.

I’m mostly a big ball of contradictions when it comes to talking. I want to talk, but I don’t want anyone to listen. I wish I could say more, but I also like being quiet. I think, someday when it comes to talking, at least talking to you, I won’t feel like this at all. I’ll just be happy to have someone to listen to me, unconditionally.

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

Of course.

Of course this how Blaine feels.

He wrote these words and recorded this song in December. And in May I was pretty much telling him the way he felt was invalid.

Alright, time to move onto the next, inevitably painful, revelation.

~~~~~

Folder 19

What do I do when my love is away.  
(Does it worry you to be alone)  
How do I feel by the end of the day  
(Are you sad because you're on your own)  
No, I get by with a little help from my friends

With a Little Help From My Friends by The Beatles

This might seem like kind of a weird choice of song. Because, I think I’m going to get by with a little help from your friends.

I think maybe someday they’ll be my friends too. But I don’t really know much about having friends, particularly this amount of friends. I know how to be friends with Matt and I kind of know how to be friends with you, but I think I’m better at being your boyfriend than being your friend. Which is an interesting look at the differences in relationships in general and also the way I think about relationships specifically.

Before I delve too far into my own weird head, I guess what I’m getting it is, I hate that you’re going away and that I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I can’t wait to become friends with your friends, without you being the go between. I want to be friends with them because they like me, not because they like you. I don’t want to be “Kurt’s boyfriend,” I want to be Blaine.

Since you can’t take them with you, I’m glad they get to stay here and maybe make my time away from you a little more bearable.

Besides, you know how to make friends. I’m sure you’ll make plenty.

~~~~~

A moment of Kurt

Yup. He got me. How the hell did he do this? It’s like he knew somehow what our issues would be and he zeroed in on them in word and song.

This last one is probably going to kill me.

~~~~~

Folder 20

I know it’s not much, but it’s the best I can do  
My gift is my song and this one’s for you

And you can tell everybody that this is your song  
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done  
I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind, that I put down into words  
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

Your Song by Elton John

This song is a placeholder for now. Someday Kurt, I’m going to write you the most beautiful and amazing song. Something that explains how you’ve changed my life and made me happy. Something about how I always thought I was satisfied and I think I could have lived my life the way it was going for years to come. I didn’t know how unhappy or lonely I was until you came along. I guess ignorance is bliss.

Before you arrived in my life, I didn’t know how to accept someone’s love. I didn’t know how to take it at face value and understand that they wanted nothing in return, except maybe my love. But I also didn’t understand that my love has value. Since you sent me that email last May, everything in my life has improved. My relationship with my parents, my speech, my ability to interact with the world. I was living my life in some kind of gray space before you came into it.

I was happy, sometimes. I was okay, all the time. And that’s all I wanted. When I originally emailed my mom about wanting to go back to speech therapy, I told her that all I really wanted was to be okay and she said something about how I should always strive more than just okay. I didn’t understand what that even meant then. Now I do. I can be okay, or I can live fully. I’m sure there’s been some pain and unhappiness while you’ve been gone for both of us, but a little bit of pain for a life of more than okay is worth it I think.

And now I’m better than okay all the time. I smile more, I try harder, I talk to people, and I want more. All of these things, these improvements, can be traced back to you. Without you, I’d still be living in that gray space. It wasn’t so bad there, maybe a little lonely, it was usually kind of boring, but it was steady, it was predictable. It was okay.

I can’t help but think it’s somehow fitting that you’re coming home on the year anniversary of the day you started this whole thing. The day you made me feel brave and wanted and levelheaded. I know I said I’d never been any of that before and I was telling the truth. But because of you, I get to try to be those things for the rest of my life.

I can’t wait to see you.

So now we come to the end, fella.

But in some ways it’s just the beginning. Because pretty much from the moment we got together, officially, we had your trip looming over our heads. I think knowing that you were leaving made us appreciate each other more in the beginning and it made us not take for granted the time we had while we had it. But now, you’re finally coming home and we have limitless options. The world is our oyster and we have all the time we want.

You haven’t even left yet, but I’m already counting down the days until you return.

~~~~~

A moment of Julia

Kurt’s been sitting at the table in our (shitty) hotel room for about 40 minutes. He’s had his ear buds in and I don’t want to bother him. He smiled a few times, but now I can tell he’s crying. He has his back to me, but his head is in his hands and his shoulders are shaking.

Since he spoke to Rachel last week, he’s been marginally happier. We had a good time on our wine tasting tour and we’ve had fun wrapping up our time here in Paris. But the closer we get to going home, the less he has to say. I’ve asked him what’s going on in his head, but he doesn’t seem to want to share. He did finally tell me everything that happened with Blaine and it sounds like it’s fixable. In my mind, it’s all so very fixable.

It’s not a great situation, but I think he’ll be fine, they’ll be fine. Kurt’s been having some trouble believing it himself, but I have a feeling whatever he’s been reading and listening to for the past 40 minutes might be changing his mind.

~~~~~

To: Blaine, From: Kurt  
Date: Thurs, May 28, 10:58 am  
Subject: You don’t need a password for this one.

I got your email. (I’d say I’d give Matt a stern talking to when I get back, but I’m a little bit worried he’s going to stab me in my sleep for being mean to you. I digress.)

I read your notes.

I listened to your songs.

Over and over and over for the pretty much the past 48 hours straight.

Now I have one for you.

So, listen to the audio I attached. I don’t have much to say in this email, because I hope the song speaks for itself. Although I feel like I need to disclaimer that I recorded in a hotel bathroom, so the acoustics weren’t the best.

I love you, Blaine.

I can’t wait to see you.

~~~~~

A moment of Blaine

He hits play and his ears are filled Kurt’s sad voice singing an acapella version of First Day of My Life.

Blaine doesn’t make it through the opening verse before a lump grows in his throat.

By the time Kurt’s voice breaks on the line “But I realized that I need you and I wondered if I could come home,” Blaine is fighting back tears.

Then he stops fighting them, there’s no reason to fight them. They’re happy tears. And at that realization it’s like the ache in his chest dissolves and the fog over his brain lifts. He messed up, Kurt messed up, but it doesn’t matter. Not in the grand scheme of things. Not when they’re going to be Kurt and Blaine for the next 132 years.

This is Kurt’s way of telling him that everything is okay.

This is Kurt’s way of telling him that everything is going to be better than okay.

Because like the song says, Blaine would drive all night just to meet Kurt in the morning.

He’s lucky though, because he can simply take the subway to the airport tomorrow instead.


	23. Chapter 23

During the day before Kurt leaves Paris , he and Julia go to their favorite cafe, they wander their favorite park, they take one last loop through their favorite shopping district. Everything seems almost as dull as it did when Kurt arrived there, because now he just wants to go. It seems silly to even be here anymore. There’s too much he needs to get done on the other side of the world.

He spent the morning recording a song for Blaine and trying to write the perfect email to go along with it. When he couldn’t think of just the right words, he decided to let the song speak for itself. He really thinks Blaine will understand.

He and Julia chat idly most of the day, though they fall into a deep conversation about how Kurt should approach Blaine when he gets home.

“Do I seek him out? I don’t even know where he lives!” Kurt’s quite frustrated by this detail. He feels like it’s an odd slight on Blaine’s part, but he’s trying not to fixate on it.

“Kurt. I really don’t think he was hiding that from you. It was just a circumstance kind of thing, he would have told you and happily will tell you. Just text him.”

“Do I text him right away?” Kurt asks.

“Do you want to see him right away?” Julia shoots back.

“No. Yes. No. Of course.” Kurt is honestly torn on the subject. He feels like no matter how much he wants to see Blaine and how much he believes Blaine wants to see him, he’s having trouble imagining actually getting to see him. He almost doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

“Oh, well that clears everything up,” Julia says sarcastically. “What do you want Kurt?”

“I want to see him as soon as I can.”

“Okay. So stop at your apartment, drop off your shit, ask Rachel where he lives and go see him. Don’t even text him. Don’t agonize. He’ll want to see you. He wouldn’t have sent you the rest of the passwords if he was mad at you or didn’t want to see you.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“What are you doing for his birthday?”

“Puck and Rachel planned a surprise party for him Saturday night. They told him it was a welcome back party for me and that we’ll do his birthday the next weekend. And Blaine being Blaine thought it was a good idea.”

“Blaine being Blaine,” Julia says with a smile.

Kurt puts his head in his hands. “I was so stupid.”

“I know,” Julia agrees.

“I’m going to make it up to him.”

“I know you will,” Julia smiles and searches Kurt’s face. She finds such sincerity in it that she has to stop herself from giving him a hug. Now is talking time, later can be hugging time.

“From now on, I’m just going to be the best damn boyfriend the world has ever known.”

“Good for you.”

“You’re gonna come to the party right?” Kurt asks.

“Of course.”

“I might need the moral support,” Kurt states seriously.

“I highly doubt it, but I’ll be there anyway,” Julia assures him.

“Do you think he’ll respond to my email?”

Julia shrugs. She really doesn’t know. “He might, or he might want to wait and talk to you.”

They wile away the rest of the day and Kurt leaves for the airport around 10 that night.

~~~~~

Later that evening, Blaine sits in his living room watching tv with Matt and Kerry.

“I’m gonna go mm-meet him at the airport tomorrow,” Blaine announces during a commercial. “Surprise him, you know?”

Blaine had told them about Kurt’s email and a little bit about the song and the letter. It all seemed too personal and raw to tell them everything. But now he’s decided to tell them about his plan.

“You think that’s a good idea?” Matt asks. 

Kerry nudges Matt’s leg and gives him a reprimanding look. “I think it’s a fantastic idea, Blaine. I think that’s what Kurt wants but at this point would never have the guts to ask.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I think he probably assumes that would be asking too much of you after everything else. He probably thinks that he should be the one to make the first move when he gets back. You know, like he wants to make a peace offering.”

“Wait. So, you’re saying this is a good idea?” Blaine asks, suddenly unsure.

“Yes, Blaine, it’s a good idea. I think I might have used the word fantastic even,” Kerry says kindly, reaching over to give his knee a squeeze.

Blaine isn’t assuaged. “Yeah, but then you said all that stuh-stuff about him mm-making the first move. But, but if I let him make the first move, it mm-might take too long. I want to see him r-r-right away.”

“Well, I was just saying that’s how I think Kurt might be feeling, but you should go meet him. I think it’s like a good faith mission.”

“Okay, okay,” Blaine says mostly to himself, nodding. A small smile crosses his face as he resolves the idea in his mind. “I can’t wait to ssssee him. I-I-I can’t wait to talk to him, I can’t wait to touch him.” A little shiver runs up Blaine’s spine at the thought.

“TMI,” Matt says, but he’s grinning.

“I-I-I just mean like hug and kiss him.” Then Blaine blushes. “And other sss-stuff too, you’re right. I can’t wait for him to shave my stupid bah-beard.”

“Aw, I like your beard. You just need to trim it more.”

“I hate trims! I hate getting my hair trimmed and I hate trimming mm-my beard even more. So, I can’t wait to shave it. I-I-I would do it myself, but I promised Kurt he could.”

“Aw. See? Everything will be okay.”

“Yeah,” Blaine smiles and leans back on the couch. “I can’t be-believe I get to see him tomorrow. I’m r-r-really excited and also kind of nah-nervous. But, but mostly excited. I … I hope he’s excited. I hope he, he, he wants to see me. I-I-I hope it won’t, um, um, be weird.” He knows he’s babbling, but he’s so anxious and happy at the same time. He can’t keep all of his thoughts inside. He doesn’t have to keep all of his thoughts inside.

Kerry looks at Blaine appraisingly.

“What?” Blaine asks when he notices her staring at him.

“Your speech is like really good today.”

“Kerry!” Blaine and Matt shout at the same time. Matt goes so far as to put his hand over her mouth.

“What?” she shrieks as she pulls Matt’s hand away.

Blaine shakes his head, while Matt explains. “You can’t say stuff like that about Blaine’s speech. When we acknowledge it, his fluency goes away.”

“Are you guys really that superstitious?”

Blaine’s eyes go wide and he tries to look at Kerry threateningly.

“Blaine. You and Matt both really need to work on looking threatening.”

“Monkey face?” Blaine asks.

“Monkey face,” Matt and Kerry agree.

~~~~~

Kurt sits in the airport, waiting for his flight home, thinking about everything he needs to say to Blaine as soon as he sees him. He needs to apologize, for like a dozen different things. He needs to tell him how much he loves him, how much he’s missed him and how his life is really dumb and boring without him.

This isn’t what he expected before he left, he really would have never predicted how terrible he would feel or how terrible he would end up acting. It’s no excuse, but Kurt knows he really wasn’t himself the whole time he was away. He felt like an impostor in his own life.

He’s glad he went though. Kurt’s happy to have befriended Julia, and he knows they’ll keep in touch, and probably even be friends for a long time. His friends are going to love her, he’s sure of it. He’s also happy for the experience. He learned a lot about a different culture and he feels like a more well rounded person. And his French definitely improved.

He just wishes there had been a way to gain all of these experiences, without potentially jeopardizing his relationship with Blaine.

After he boards his flight, he tries to sleep, but he can only seem to nap on and off all night long. He can’t quite get comfortable and he can’t quiet his mind. There’s too many thoughts floating around. Not to mention the noise of the drink cart and the crying kids and how loud people can seem when they’re trying to be quiet.

~~~~~

Blaine leaves for the airport early. Way too early. So he arrives there way too early. He takes a seat in one of the few waiting chairs near baggage claim and keeps an eye on the arrivals and departures. If everything goes as planned, Kurt should be here in a half hour.

Blaine has a sign in his pocket, that he hopes Kurt will appreciate. He just wants Kurt to smile when he sees him. Because no matter what he believes and what Kerry and Matt said, Blaine isn’t sure he should be at the airport at all right now.

However, he is here and he’s going to stay. Hopefully Kurt will be happy to see him. What if Kurt isn’t happy to see him? What if it’s weird or awkward and Kurt decides that he doesn’t even want Blaine to go home with him? What if Kurt asks Blaine to go away?

He has to stop himself from getting up and leaving after that thought process. Blaine decides to wait it out. Even if Kurt doesn’t want him to stay, at least they’ll get to see each other.

Blaine just really can’t wait to see Kurt.

~~~~~

As his flight lands, Kurt is tired, bone tired. It’s noon, New York time and he realizes he has all afternoon and evening to talk to Blaine. He resolves to stop at his apartment for an hour and take a nap. He’ll wake up refreshed and he’ll be better equipped to go throw himself at Blaine’s feet and plead for his mercy.

Kurt walks through JFK airport in a bit of a daze. He knows he needs to get himself to baggage claim, but he feels like his flight took forever. He would willingly put his carry-on bag on the ground to use it as a pillow and take a nap right here. Then he actually looks at the floor and decides better of that idea.

He's calculating the amount of time from where he is right this second, to his bed. His bed. He knows Tina found a new apartment already, so it's his bed again. He thinks he should be there in about 2 hours from now, (counting however long it takes to get his bags, hail a cab, sit in traffic...) but he really doesn't want to get his hopes up.

All that is erased from his mind, when the crowd parts and he sees a man.

A smiling man, with twinkling eyes, a scruffy (though somewhat sexy) beard, too long hair and a hand lettered sign that reads "Poophead missed you."

Nothing else really matters.

Kurt really looks at Blaine, taking him in for the man that he’s become while Kurt’s been away. He holds himself differently, taller, less self-conscious. When his eyes meet Kurt’s, he doesn’t drop his gaze for even a second. His smile is genuine, and Kurt can see just a shade of shyness in it, but he doesn’t think anyone who doesn’t know Blaine would recognize it. His shoulders and arms look pretty much amazing in his well fitted t-shirt. That thousand push-up challenge works wonders.

The boys don’t lose eye contact even as they hurry towards each other through the crowd. Within five feet of Blaine, Kurt’s bag finally does hit the floor with a thump, but he’s not going to lay down with it.

Kurt’s arms are around Blaine tightly before he can even think twice and Blaine responds in kind.

They hold each other for one minute, two minutes, hearts beating wildly together, breath warm and in sync on the other’s neck, arms clutching tightly as though even the barest space between them would be too much at the moment. They have no sense of the people around them. They don’t have a care in the world.

They’re together.

At last.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine,” Kurt murmurs into Blaine’s ear, before kissing the shell of it, encircling his arms around Blaine’s shoulders and squeezing.

“No, no, I’m sorry, Kurt,”Blaine whispers into Kurt’s neck, inhaling his scent and before burying his face in Kurt’s shoulder, arms tightening around Kurt’s waist.

The boys stay frozen like that for what could very well be hours. There is nowhere else in the world they need to be except in each other’s arms. They can both feel the other relax, the tension of the moment being erased with pure relief. 

When they finally pull back, they both have smiles on their faces and happy tears in their eyes.

Kurt grins wider, searching Blaine’s eyes and then shakes his head.

“You hate mm-my bah-beard don’t you?”

A laugh bubbles out of Kurt.

“That’s why you didn’t kiss mmm-me, right?”

Kurt is nearly hysterical with laughter. He’s laughing from exhaustion, relief, and the very nearness of this man he loves. Blaine’s strong arms around his waist are the only reason he’s still upright.

“Are you having a br-breakdown?” Blaine asks seriously.

Kurt stops his laughter for a second. “You look like the unabomber, Blaine.”

“I do nah-not!” Blaine’s eyes go wide. And then he adds quietly, “You can’t say the word bah-bomb in an airport.”

They stand there smiling at each other for another moment, both just completely content with the knowledge that they’re together. 

“Please Kurt, just a little kiss,” Blaine pleads and then purses his lips and squeezes his eyes shut. 

Kurt leans in and gives Blaine a light peck on the lips. 

“Ugh, whiskers!” Kurt teases. “That’s all you get for now.”

They collect Kurt’s luggage, never losing touch of each other’s hands. When they get outside, they hail a cab and are on their way to Kurt’s apartment.

At first, neither one of them is sure what to say. The quiet isn’t necessarily awkward but there’s so much that could be said or asked that it seems nearly overwhelming. After several minutes, Kurt decides to ask the question that’s been gnawing at him for a week.

“So, Blaine. Where do you live?”

Blaine turns his body fully towards Kurt and grabs Kurt’s hand, in a somewhat pleading gesture, and words start spilling out of his mouth.

~~~~~

What Blaine wants to say:

I’m sorry.

What Blaine says:

I’m so sorry! I was going to tell you, it just dih-didn’t come up! It was all connected with like, a a a hundred other things that I couldn’t ww-wait to talk to you about, but I didn’t want to just s-s-send an email about. Like how good it w-w-went when my parents visited and Chad dropping a bomb about spah-spah-spah-speech therapy and Sarah offering me the music counselor position this ss-summer. I was just saving it for a skype d-d-date. I swear! It really wasn’t a b-big deal and we were w-w-w-working on the search while my parents were here and Matt and I ended up picking one and, and, and we really like it. The bah-bathroom isn’t gross and it’s only two blah-blocks from your apartment, which is all I rr-rr-really wanted and … you’ll like it. And it just sort of happened, I-I-I wasn’t keeping it from you. I-I-I swear. It was just … timing.

~~~~~

Kurt stares at Blaine and is honestly taken aback by how much he just said. “You sound incredible Blaine.”

“Oh,” Blaine blushes and looks at feet.

Kurt can’t help but smile at how embarrassed Blaine just got. He was looking for his boyfriend, underneath this new exterior, and Kurt sees him now. This is Blaine, this will always be Blaine, but now he has vastly better communication skills. And a somewhat scruffy appeal, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Blaine looks back over at Kurt and scrunches his nose and then smiles. “It... comes and goes, de-de-depending on the day.”

“You sound pretty much amazing today.”

Blaine is glowing at this point and he simply says a quiet thank you.

The cab ride is quicker than expected, or maybe that’s just Blaine’s presence making everything in Kurt’s life a little brighter. Kurt can’t seem to stop smiling. Neither can Blaine.

When they arrive at Kurt’s building, they drag Kurt’s luggage upstairs and Kurt unlocks the door, calling out to Rachel as he enters. Rachel bounds into the living room screeching and jumping on top of Kurt immediately.

“I missed you so much!” she cries as she squeezes him in a tight hug, her smile a mile wide.

Kurt laughs and squeezes back.

Rachel notices Blaine then and somehow manages to make her smile even bigger. He smiles sheepishly back, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Oh, I see you picked up a rugged mountain man on your way home,” she says to Kurt as they pull away from each other.

“He happened to be at the airport,” Kurt turns to grin at Blaine. “Serendipitously.”

“I heard they had opened up a rugged mountain man depot at JFK,” Rachel says as she moves towards Blaine.

She stands on her tiptoes and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Good job,” she whispers, with a wink.

“Thank you,” Blaine answers. And he means it, sincerely. Rachel was a big part of why he started feeling better. He might not have been prepared for the revelations in Kurt’s letter if he hadn’t spoken to Rachel first.

Rachel picks up her keys and purse and gestures towards the door. “I’m just going to go somewhere else now. I’m pretty sure you two have some talking to do.” Rachel waves and closes the door behind her.

Blaine approaches Kurt and searches his eyes, earnestly.

“So,” Blaine starts with an eyebrow raise. “I-I-I guess we have ss-some talking to do.”


	24. Chapter 24

“Perhaps we could skip the talking and go directly to the beard shaving and make up sex?” Kurt asks hopefully.

“Kurt,” Blaine reproaches, gently. “Please?”

“No, no. You’re right, of course.”

Blaine sits at one end of the couch and Kurt sits at the other.

“Um. You could at least, like, sss-sit next to mm-me,” Blaine says with a shrug and a shy smile.

“I wasn’t sure,” Kurt says honestly, as he moves closer to Blaine. Both boys settle into the cushions with their bodies angled towards each other and Kurt casually drapes his arm along the back of the couch. His hand is close enough to touch Blaine, but not actually touching him yet. He’s suddenly unsure about where they stand with each other.

“I’m not mad at you. I-I-I just don’t want to act like nothing happened. Be-be-be-cause I was really mmmmad at you.”

“I was really mad at you too. But as soon as I actually took my anger out on you, I just felt like shit.”

Blaine smiles sadly and glances away. “You kind of mm-may-made me feel like shit.”

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. I really am. I was jealous and everything got really huge in my head. And I was so scared that you were,” Kurt pauses searching for the right phrase. “Growing out of me. Growing away from me.” He hasn’t actually thought the next sentence through at all, but it suddenly seems so true. “Falling out of love with me,” he says quietly.

Kurt squeezes his eyes shut, because he can feel tears building in them. He doesn’t want to get that emotional. Not yet, at least. They need to talk and they can’t talk if they turn into whimpering puddles.

He feels Blaine’s hands on his face and Blaine’s lips on his forehead, the barest whisper of whiskers tickling his skin. He lets his face sag into the touch for a moment and then opens his eyes when he feels Blaine draw away.

“I-I-I wah-wasn’t falling out of, of, of love with you. I was trying to mm-manage life without you.”

“It felt like you didn’t need me.”

“I guess … Remember when I-I-I said how I always worry about seeming nah-needy? I guess I was trying to prove to my-my-myself that I’m not needy. That I dah-dah-dah-don’t always need you. I mean, I need you, buh-ut I don’t need you to fix things or to always, um, help me. You can’t be the only thing, only person, in mm-my life.”

“I know, I know.”

“Before you left though, it www-would have been too easy to let, to let that happen. You’re all I wah-wah-want and you’re all I need. But you can’t be all I-I-I have.”

“Can I hug you?”

“Please,” Blaine responds softly, looking at Kurt with sad eyes.

Kurt gathers Blaine into a hug and it’s Blaine’s turn to bite back his tears. He knows he needs to keep it together, just a little longer. They have to finish.

“I’m so sorry, Kurt,” Blaine sniffles into his shoulder.

“What are you sorry about? I was a total jackass.”

Blaine pulls back and smiles. Kurt thumbs at the lone tear on Blaine’s face.

“You w-w-weren’t a jackass. I wasn’t thinking about how you might take some of the stuff I-I-I-I was saying. To an, to an, to an observer I’m sure it would have sssss-seemed like I was throwing things in your face. I r-r-r-r-r-really wasn’t. I swah-swah-ear.”

“No, I know.” Kurt squeezes Blaine’s shoulder. “I really do know.”

“I wish you had told mm-mm-me about the letter.”

“I should have. I don’t know. I guess I thought it was like fate that it got lost and you wouldn’t ever need to know how insecure I was feeling.”

“Kurt,” Blaine says, smiling softly.

“I know. Communication,” Kurt says, rolling his eyes.

“I really am s-s-s-sorry, about being oblivious and, and, and not paying attention,” Blaine is emphatic as he takes one of Kurt’s hands in both of his.

“I’m sorry I about everything that I said that night on the phone, pretty much all of it. I really do know that talking is hard for you Blaine. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“That actually...” Blaine looks at Kurt, not wanting to rehash the issue, but wanting him to understand. Blaine decides it’s important enough, that his feelings are important. “That didn’t bother me as mm-much as what you said about how I-I-I can talk when it doesn’t matter. I-I-I always want to talk, or at least I want to, to, to, to always talk to you. Sometimes I-I-I know I can’t. Buh-buh-ut I always want to try.”

“I’m sorry. It’s all I can say. It’s not worth much, in the long run. But I’ll try never to talk to you like that again.”

“I dih-dih-didn’t like that you … that you had it in you to talk to me like that. I-I-I didn’t like you in that moment.”

“I didn’t like me either,” Kurt says, as he plays with the curls at the back of Blaine’s neck. “I guess, I didn’t know how to get through to you. So instead I said something hurtful. It just slipped out of my mouth. I didn’t even think about it, I didn’t even have the time to hold it back.”

Blaine bites his lip and sighs. “I think I-I-I do kind of understand.”

“Just so you know, I don’t feel that way about you. I don’t think you only talk when it doesn’t matter, that’s not something that I believe. I said it, lashing out. Wanting to hurt you because I was hurting.”

Blaine nods in understanding. “If, well, well, well... w-w-when, we fight again, you have to let mmm-me get wah-wah-words in. I’m not asking for like, an … unfair advantage or anything...” Blaine trails off with a mischievous little smile.

“Yes, because my ego couldn’t take it if you win every fight.”

“I know.” Blaine’s smiling even wider now. “I’ll mm-make sure to let, to let you ww-win every once in awhile.”

Both boys can feel the tension draining from the situation. They’re so close to resolving their issues. The closer they get to a resolution, the closer they move to each other on the couch. Blaine shifts more towards Kurt and Kurt takes the opportunity to plant a light kiss on his forehead.

“And I shouldn’t have cornered you on the phone,” Kurt says as he pulls back, eyes gazing earnestly at Blaine. “That was actually a jackass move.”

“I-I-I would have been fine actually, I think. I r-r-r-really have b-b-been working on talking on the phone. Buh-buh-ut I started to lose my grip on my spah-spah-speech and then I couldn’t find the, the, the words to de-defend myself. And it seemed like everything I ss-ss-said was the wrong thing. And you weren’t listening. I’m still sorry I-I-I hung up.”

“Don’t be. It was logical. I didn’t leave you a lot of options. And you already apologized.”

“I wish I-I-I could have talked to you. I-I-I hate that I ended up having to de-de-defend myself via email. I feel like I’m … “ Blaine shrugs. “I-I-I feel like I’m getting beh-beh-etter, but not b-better enough.”

“I was impressed, sort of relieved even, that you defended yourself. It doesn’t matter what method you needed to use. I feel like there was a time when you might not have.” Kurt moves the hand that had been playing with Blaine’s hair all this time onto his cheek and Blaine nuzzles his face into it and then kisses Kurt’s palm.

“You were rrrrr-right about taking some time,” Blaine admits.

“I didn’t really want to be right. But I agree.”

“I-I-I-I don’t think I would have felt this happy or re-re-resolved if we didn’t make up face to face.”

“Well, not really face to face.”

Blaine gives Kurt his silent, questioning look.

“More like face to beard.”

Blaine laughs and blushes.

“I’m like 99% sure you’re blushing and I can’t even see it!”

Kurt stands up then and puts his hand out to Blaine and Blaine takes it as Kurt pulls him up.

Kurt puts his hands around Blaine’s waist and searches his eyes.

“So you forgive me?” Kurt asks.

“Of course. Of course. Never a dah-dah-doubt in my mind that I would,” Blaine smiles, feeling emotional again. “You forgive me r-r-r-right?”

“Obviously.”

“I just... I-I-I needed to mmmm-make sure.”

Kurt tugs Blaine close and hugs him. Blaine closes his eyes and tries to even out his breathing. Kurt kisses his neck, his ear, his forehead. “I forgive you. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Blaine whispers. He pulls away then. “But I-I-I hate this stupid fucking bah-beard and it’s time to shave it.”

Kurt laughs then and drags Blaine by the hand into the kitchen, suddenly all business.

“Wait here a sec,” Kurt tells him.

Moments later, he comes back into the kitchen, rolling his desk chair with a sheet, shaving cream and a razor on the seat.

Kurt puts the sheet down on the floor and rolls the chair on top of it. Then he fills a big bowl with water.

“Shirt off, please,” he says as he lays out his tools on the counter.

Blaine pouts. “You too then.”

Kurt rolls his eyes and smiles as he yanks off his own shirt, while Blaine does the same.

Blaine sits in the desk chair and then looks at him pointedly.

“Oh. All of my shirts?” Kurt asks innocently but then he unbuttons his shirt and hangs it over one of the stools.

Blaine leans back a bit, getting comfortable and taking in the view. “You’re going to have to trim it first, you know.”

“Look at you, so smug. With your wonderful abs and your stupid beard. I’m starting to think you waited for me to shave it because you’re too lazy to do it yourself,” Kurt says as he goes in search of a small pair of scissors.

Blaine smiles as Kurt leaves the room, but says nothing. Kurt’s not wrong.

“Ah-ha!” Kurt exclaims triumphantly as he returns, brandishing a pair of clippers.

Blaine lifts his chin and Kurt sets to work, letting the hair fall onto the sheet haphazardly.

“I thought you were going to make a s-swah-sweater out of my hair,” Blaine mumbles.

“No talking! This is scary.”

“You’re nah-not giving me a lot of confidence,” Blaine mutters.

A few minutes later, Blaine’s beard is sufficiently trimmed and Kurt sets about lathering him up with shaving lotion.

“I think I need to get a better angle,” Kurt says, as he moves in closer and straddles Blaine’s legs. Blaine puts his hands on Kurt’s hips, thumbing the skin that’s exposed above the top of his jeans. Blaine leans his head back and puffs out his cheeks.

Kurt starts to slowly shave Blaine’s beard off. Each scrape of the razor revealing a little more of the skin underneath. Kurt decides not to fight the urge to kiss each strip as he exposes it. Blaine closes his eyes at the first touch of Kurt's lips and sighs happily.

“Go like this,” Kurt says every once in a while, to get Blaine to change facial expressions, so he gets the best shave possible.

Kurt examines Blaine’s face and hums indecisively.

“What?”

“I feel like I’m not doing a good job on your neck. Hop up on the counter.”

So, Blaine does, leaving room for Kurt stand between his knees. Kurt takes a few more swipes with the razor and then drops it in the bowl. And then pats Blaine’s face dry with a towel.

“Well. Hello there,” he says, smiling up at Blaine when he’s done.

“Hi,” Blaine replies softly, winding his legs around Kurt’s waist, dragging him closer.

Kurt leans into Blaine a little more, encircling Blaine in his arms and then noses at his cleanly shaven neck. Blaine’s arms go around his back and Kurt takes a moment to rest his head on Blaine’s chest, feeling him, sturdy and real, underneath his cheek.

“I missed you so much, I’m having trouble believing this isn’t a dream,” Kurt says quietly.

Blaine runs his hands up and down Kurt’s back. When the rubbing turns to nail dragging, Kurt looks at him again and quirks his eyebrow.

“Isn’t it time to kiss m-m-me now?” Blaine asks coyly.

Kurt smiles and leans in. Both boys inhale deeply as they fall into a nearly frantic kiss, feeling like they can’t get enough of each other, as though if they stop, one of them will disappear.

“Bed,” Blaine mumbles out the side of his mouth. As he starts to hop off the counter, Kurt slides him off, taking on his full weight and turning around.

“Seriously?” Blaine asks, mouth still on Kurt’s.

“Mmph,” Kurt responds, finding Blaine’s mouth and sucking on his bottom lip.

He only barely misses banging Blaine’s back on the door jam and Blaine feels like he’s holding on to Kurt’s shoulders for dear life. But then he realizes that Kurt actually has him. That he has nothing to worry about. Maybe Kurt did start doing the thousand push-up challenge...

Blaine pulls a hand off Kurt’s shoulder and starts to work on unbuttoning Kurt’s jeans as Kurt enters his bedroom and lets them both fall onto the bed, a bit gracelessly, but no worse for the wear.

Kurt hovers over Blaine, finding himself once again taking this man before him in like it’s the first time he’s ever seen him. Blaine smiles and glances away for a moment, taken aback by the intensity in Kurt’s eyes. When he meets his gaze again, Blaine isn’t uncomfortable anymore and instead returns it with his own intensity.

Blaine starts unzipping his shorts and Kurt stills his hands.

“Let me,” he says, his voice taking on a deeper tone. “Let me do this for you.”

Kurt unzips Blaine’s shorts the rest of the way and pries them down. Then he does the same for himself as Blaine shifts higher onto the bed.

Kurt crawls onto the bed and lets his body fall on top of Blaine, kissing him deeply again and slowly rolling their hips together, once, twice, three times. Blaine returns the friction from below, pressing himself in closer to Kurt’s hips.

Kurt pulls his mouth away from Blaine’s. “What you want Blaine? I’ll do whatever you want. I want to do everything for you, to show you... to make it up to you.”

Blaine’s quiet for a moment, his face displaying and projecting a hundred different emotions at the same time. Kurt almost thinks he looks like he’s going to cry for a split second, when the most loving, and lovely, smile draws across his lips.

“There’s nothing...” Blaine shakes his head and blinks. Disbelief paints his face, having won out from all the other emotions. Disbelief that Kurt thinks he has something to make up to Blaine. “You, Kurt. You.” His eyes are pleading, hoping that Kurt understands. He doesn’t need Kurt to show him he loves him, he doesn’t need to Kurt to make anything up to him. But words can’t express these thoughts the same way his actions can.

Blaine starts kissing Kurt’s neck, trailing his lips up and down it, sucking lightly here and there. Kurt lets his body relax, he closes his eyes and allows himself to enjoy the feeling of Blaine, finally, so close to him.

They spend a long time like that, kissing, hands roaming, bodies pressed tight. Blaine lowers his hands to Kurt’s hips and rolls him over, getting on all fours above him and brings their lips together in a brief kiss, though somehow it’s even more intense than the previous ones they just shared. He reaches down and runs his fingers over the elastic of Kurt’s briefs, eyes dancing merrily at the thought of everything this day can hold. Everything this day has already been.

Kurt puts his hands around the back of Blaine’s neck and pulls his face to his again.

“What do you want Blaine?” Kurt asks again, no strings attached this time. No qualifiers, an honest question.

“I want you...” Blaine pauses to blush and roll his eyes. And then he laughs, uncontrollably. He sits up, and is well aware that he’s ruining the moment.

“What?” Kurt asks.

“I... Oh man. We’re like in this s-s-sexy moment and the thought that went through mm-mm-my head was ‘I want you in my buh-butt.’” Blaine covers his face.

Kurt giggles and sits up to kisses Blaine’s temple. “Luckily, I find you endearing.”

Then he slides off the bed to go in search of lube. And hopefully a condom or two.

When he returns, Blaine’s laying on his side on the sheets, the blankets pulled down and tossed away, smile quirking at his lips, boxers off, looking more than ready for what’s about to happen.

“Good heavens, you’re adorable,” Kurt says, falling onto the bed next to him and begins kissing Blaine again. He feels like he just can’t get enough of Blaine’s mouth on his own.

He lets his fingers travel right to the dip of Blaine’s ass, stroking there, lightly, feeling Blaine responding next to him. When Kurt barely presses a finger in, Blaine emits a moan of pure bliss.

“Roll over,” Kurt whispers. When Blaine’s back is to him, he puts some lube on his fingers and slowly glides the first one into crevice of Blaine’s ass. He drops kisses along Blaine’s neck and shoulder as he works fingers in and out.

Blaine’s eyes have dropped close while his mouth has dropped open. He rolls his hips gently with every movement Kurt makes, small noises of ecstasy escaping from his throat.

After another minute, Kurt shifts closer still and finally thrusts into Blaine, bringing the pleasure that’s been growing low in Blaine’s stomach to the zenith. He stays at the precipice for a minute, two minutes, five minutes, he has no idea. Kurt is working his body against his, still kissing Blaine’s neck from time to time. Blaine’s hand finds Kurt’s near his hip and lazily laces their fingers and then squeezes in pleasure.

Kurt comes soon after and then with a few deft strokes of Kurt’s hand from behind, Blaine does also.

There’s something to be said for what they’ve just done. Something that feels like consummating the next step, something that feels like a promise.

Now they have forever in front of them.


	25. Chapter 25

Blaine wakes up slowly, only vaguely aware that he’s not in his own bed. And then he feels the arm on waist and another under his head and steady breath on the back of his neck.

Kurt.

Kurt’s home.

Blaine smiles sleepily and tries not to move a muscle. He doesn’t want to jar Kurt awake. Kurt was so tired and fell asleep almost immediately after they had showered and cleaned up. Blaine had lain awake next to Kurt for a little while, finally drifting to sleep for a little over two hours, according to the clock on the bedside table.

Blaine feels like this day has gone on forever and somehow it’s only 7 o’clock. It’s so rare to feel like that on good days, he thinks. Usually bad days take forever and good days move too quickly. But today. Today he has the opportunity to enjoy the good.

He rolls over carefully in Kurt’s arms and Kurt’s asleep deeply enough that he doesn’t notice the movement. Blaine looks closely at Kurt’s face, relishing this moment where Kurt is quiet and close. He loves Kurt’s smooth, pale skin and smattering of freckles, the way his usually coiffed hair was left unstyled after his shower and is now mussed with sleep. Blaine fights the urge to touch Kurt’s face or run a hand through his hair, aware that either of those movements will definitely wake him up.

Instead he slowly extracts himself from Kurt’s arms, puts on his shorts, and pads barefooted into the living room, where he knows he left his phone.

He of course has 15 text messages.

~~~~~

4:48 pm  
Matt: When you’re “done” you should come home.  
Matt: everybody wants to see Kurt.

5:02 pm  
Kerry: I don’t want to bug you guys, but I’m going over to your apt and I miss Kurt!  
Kerry: Am I going to get to see him tonight?

5:17 pm  
DiDi: How’s it going with your boo?

5:55 pm  
Puck: Rachel says we have to wait for you guys before we can order dinner.  
Puck: I’m seriously fucking hungry.  
Puck: please stop what you’re doing soon  
Puck: or at least text us to say we can eat without you.

6:18 pm  
Matt: our apartment is like 5 people just waiting for Kurt.

6:22 pm  
DiDi: Please disregard the prior message where I refer to Kurt as your “boo”  
DiDi: I am deeply ashamed by my lack of street cred.

6:48 pm  
Rachel: Take your time. Don’t listen to those jerks.

6:51 pm  
Tina: Whatever Rachel said, I agree.  
Tina: on the other hand, Puck is starting to get insane with hunger.

~~~~~

Blaine pauses for a moment, thinking about all these texts from all these people and remembers, once again, that he has yet to reveal DiDi’s secret identity to Kurt. She’s coming to the welcome back party tomorrow night and he thinks it would be awfully fun to just introduce her to Kurt as Deirdre Marshall.

~~~~~

7:13 pm  
Blaine (to Matt): Kurt’s sleeping. We’ll come over whenever he wakes up.

7:14 pm  
Blaine (to Puck): Go ahead, order food! I don’t give a flying fuck!

7:15 pm  
Blaine (to DiDi): Feel free to refer to him as “my boo” as you see fit. :)  
Blaine (to DiDi): And everything is grand. Thanks for asking.

7:16 pm  
Blaine (to Rachel & Tina): we’ll come over when Kurt wakes up. I’m sure he wants to see everyone too. FEED PUCK.

7:17 pm  
Blaine (to Kerry): Soooooooon. I promise. :)

7:18 pm  
Puck (to Blaine): Do you want some fucking food or not? We’re ordering pizza.

7:20 pm  
DiDi (to Blaine): Grand huh? That sounds like things went even better than you had hoped.

7:21 pm  
Blaine (to DiDi): Things are pretty much perfect. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow night.

7:23 pm  
Blaine (to Puck): YES FINE. Order enough for Kurt and me. We’ll be there later.

~~~~~

Kurt emerges from his bedroom and sees Blaine sitting on the couch, smiling at his cell phone as he reads his texts. Then Kurt watches as Blaine’s fingers quickly respond. Kurt watches a few cycles of this.

Read. Respond. Read. Smile. Respond.

Kurt walks the rest of the way into the living and Blaine looks up and smiles.

“Hey,” he says as Kurt settles on the couch next to him. Blaine puts a warm hand on Kurt’s knee. “Sorry if I w-woke you up.” 

His voice is quiet, but confident, strong, Kurt thinks. So different. 

Blaine tosses his phone down on the coffee table, fully prepared to ignore everyone on earth at the moment. No matter how hungry Puck is.

“Can I ask about your speech?” Kurt says with a grin. “Like, how did it get so good?”

Blaine blushes a little, but smiles back. “Can I have a hug?”

Kurt turns on the couch and curls up closer to Blaine, threading his arms around his waist and ducking his head to Blaine’s chest. Blaine brings his arms around Kurt’s shoulders and they stay nestled like that for a few minutes.

“The short answer,” Blaine starts, “is that I have nah-no idea.”

Kurt nods into Blaine’s chest.

“The long and official answer is something about finally feeling de-desensitized and working hard at at at controlling it until nah-now when controlling finally seems natural. Also something about um, group therapy helping me learn to s-s... stuh-stutter more easily and allowing me to find mm-mm-my own set of methods to keep it sah-smah-smooth. ‘And earning my fluency.’” Blaine puts finger quotes around that last phrase.

“What’s with the air quotes?”

“‘Earning my fluency’ is such a Chad phrase, I-I-I feel like I shouldn’t say it w-without putting quotes around it.”

“Why do you think you sound so good?”

“Right now? Probably ‘cause I’m talking to you.” Blaine smiles impishly.

Kurt nuzzles his face into Blaine’s bare chest, and then sits up and smiles, giving him a look of “Come on, you know that’s not what I meant.”

“In general, I-I-I don’t know.” Blaine shrugs. “It’s still pretty bad if I’m emotional, or tired. A couple d-d-days ago it was terrible and it kinda, kinda … snu-snu-uck up on me while I was ordering coffee. It doesn’t mm-make much sense and it’s too hard for me to try to make sense of it. So I-I-I just try to enjoy it while it lasts.”

Kurt had put his head back on Blaine’s chest while he was talking and he nods again, thoroughly enjoying the way Blaine has his arm crooked around his neck and his fingers rub up and down Kurt’s arm. The way Blaine’s voice vibrates under his cheek could almost make him fall back to sleep.

“Is it going somewhere?” Kurt asks pulling away a bit to look in Blaine’s eyes.

Blaine holds Kurt’s gaze for a moment and then drops his eyes to somewhere around Kurt’s nose instead. Kurt sees him unfocus, in the way he does when he’s uncomfortable. Blaine’s lips twitch a little and he swallows.

“Maybe. Stuttering... it’s like, like, like.” Blaine rolls his thoughts around his head, wanting to make sure Kurt understands, even when he himself doesn’t really understand entirely. “It can go into re-re-remission almost and then come bah-back around. If I stop doing what I’m doing and, and, and get lazy about it and …like, lose confidence in the mm-methods. In myself.”

“So, tell me what you’re doing,” Kurt says. “Tell me what makes you sound like this.”

“Well.” He takes a deep breath. “I’ve never really … told anyone. Except Chad. It’s w-w-w-weird.” His face tenses and he blinks several times, rapidly.

Instead of answering with words, Kurt sits up fully and kisses Blaine’s temple. Then he scoots over to the other end of the couch and pats his lap. Blaine lays down and draws Kurt’s arm across him, hugging it to his chest, while Kurt starts working his fingers through Blaine’s hair.

“I really m-m-missed this,” Blaine sighs and closes his eyes.

“Me too,” Kurt agrees.

Blaine keeps his eyes closed and goes over the list he keeps in his head, trying to turn it into something comprehensive.

“Ok, so. I’m controlling my b-breathing. I’m pausing when I need to. I … I pull out of, out of blocks and smooth them out, rrr-ather than letting them go on indefinitely. I’m also better if I-I-I let myself repeat a word that I don’t fear every once in awhile. It slows mm-my speaking rate and it gives me a moment to work through the rest of the, of the sentence.”

“You’re doing all that?”

“Not n-n-necessarily consciously. But, but yeah. All of that is happening.”

“And somehow all of that makes you sound more fluent and smoother? It even makes your voice different.”

“Really?” Blaine thinks his voice sounds pretty much the same to his ears, thin and nervous (scared, embarrassed, weak, high-pitched), most of the time.

“Stronger, somehow. More confident,” Kurt says.

Blaine smiles up at him. “That’s ss-sort of the opposite of how I would ever de-describe my voice.”

“Well, it’s true, poop. It’s a fact.” Kurt brushes Blaine’s hair off his forehead. “You still need a haircut.”

“I-I-I know, my stylist gave me a great shave and then decided to have his, his, his way with me instead of cutting mm-my hair.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “I’d cut it right now, but I’m starving.”

“Well. There is a group of people currently way-way-waiting at my apartment to, to, to greet you and feed you pizza.”

“That’s very convenient.”

They both get fully dressed. Blaine in the cargo shorts and t-shirt he arrived at the airport in so many hours ago. And Kurt pulls on a pair of jeans and one of the few ratty t-shirts he owns, because it’s pretty much his last piece of clean laundry.

“How do you feel about spending the majority of your birthday weekend doing laundry?” Kurt asks, turning to Blaine as he pulls the shirt over his head.

“If you’re there, then I-I-I think it’s a perfect way to sp-spend it,” Blaine responds, giving Kurt a kiss on the cheek.

Kurt only laments his own hair in front of the mirror momentarily.

“I really should do something about it.” Blaine just gives him a look, like “I thought you were starving.”

They get out to the street and Kurt takes Blaine’s hand, swinging it between them. “Lead the way, poop.”

It’s a nice night, perfect late May weather in New York. They take their time, around the corner and two blocks up.

“I like how you look rr-right now,” Blaine says as they walk.

“What do you mean?” Kurt asks. “I look terrible. My hair’s flat, this t-shirt has a hole in the armpit and I’ve been wearing these jeans for the better part of a week.”

“Like. Casual. Comfortable. And that, that, that t-shirt mm-matches your eyes perfectly,” Blaine tells him.

“You’re just saying that.”

Blaine wrinkles his nose and shakes his head. “No, I-I-I mean it. I like you no mm-matter how you look. But, but, but right now... you look like you’re m-m-m-ine.” Blaine is overtaken by how much he wants to kiss Kurt in this moment, so he does.

They stop on the sidewalk, in a circle of streetlight. Their fingers interlacing, their mouths coming together in a long, soft kiss. They lean into each other and Kurt’s arms come up around Blaine’s shoulders, his lips moving towards Blaine’s ear.

“Thank you for forgiving me,” Kurt says so quietly Blaine almost isn’t sure he heard it.

Blaine’s mouth finds the edge of Kurt’s collar bone and kisses it, before looking at his eyes.

“Of course,” Blaine says. “I think. I think I’ll always be able to forgive you. Because I-I-I know you love me.”

“Good, because I really do love you.”

“And I love you,” Blaine says simply.

They hold each other one more moment, enjoying the warm air, the glow of the light above them, the quiet hum of the busy street one block over. Then they continue on.

When they get to Blaine’s building he gestures for Kurt to follow him. Once inside, they head up a flight of stairs, their flip-flops slapping against the peeling linoleum, and Blaine’s apartment is the first one of the left. As soon as they open the door, they can smell pizza and hear their friends.

They’re draped around Matt and Blaine’s living room, pizza boxes open on the coffee table, the tv on too loud even though no one is watching.

They all leap up at Kurt’s arrival, everyone getting in a turn to hug him and welcome him back. Kurt’s grinning from ear to ear, so happy to see his friends. So happy to be home, to be with Blaine, to not have ruined everything with his insecurities.

Blaine stands to the side, staying out of the fray since he’s had more than his fair share of Kurt today already. He’s thinking about what his life was like a year ago. How different he was, how lonely he was, at home in Ohio, just starting the online lit class. He never talked. He was so afraid of people judging him and finding him flawed or not worth their time. He thought it was better to not ask anything of people, to stay out of sight. He can’t do that anymore, people can see him.

He likes that they see him.

As he’s thinking this, Tina comes over and pinches his cheek. “I feel like I don’t even know you without your beard.”

“Yeah,” Kerry agrees. “It’s been so long. You look about 12.”

Blaine pouts and draws in his eyebrows.

“Oh yes, that’s definitely the face of maturity,” Kerry teases him before settling back on the floor by the coffee table.

When Puck finishes bear hugging Kurt, lifting him off the ground a little even, he approaches Blaine and gives him a quick little slap on his cleanly shaven cheek. “You look fucking young without your face pubes.”

“Fuck you,” Blaine says with a grin.

Puck throws his arm around Blaine’s neck. “But you’re turning 21, huh?”

Blaine bobs his head and smiles.

“We going out at midnight?”

“Do you wah-want to?” He’s responding to Puck, but somehow he’s really addressing Kurt.

“Oh, we have to!” Kurt says, surprising Blaine. “Puck took me out at midnight on my 21st and now it’s a tradition.”

“Well, if it’s tradition,” Blaine says, with a shrug and a broad smile.

Puck throws his hands up in victory and Blaine digs his wallet out of his back pocket.

“How mm-mm-much do I owe, uh for the pizza?” he asks.

It’s Rachel’s turn to pipe in. “Nothing. It’s for your birthday and Kurt’s welcome back.”

Blaine’s smile grows bigger, having that distinct feeling like his face is going to split in two. Sometimes it’s the little things, like your friends (your friends), buying you pizza on your birthday that mean the most.

“Thanks guys,” he says quietly.

“Actually, let me pay for Blaine since I’m young and can’t go out drinking tonight,” Matt says.

“Damn us and our youth,” Tina agrees. “I’ll come up with a way to make it up to you Blaine. I’ll take you out for chicken soon.”

Blaine is overwhelmed by even this small outpouring of generosity, of friendship, so he blushes and lowers his eyes. They don’t know how much stuff like that means to him. They’ll never know how much stuff like that means to him if he doesn’t say it.

Everyone is settling down around the coffee table, Kurt and Matt are discussing the couch that he and Blaine got on sale at Ikea. Blaine stays standing, not wanting to make a big deal, but really wanting to say something. Just say it, he tells himself. Just say it, say what you’re thinking.

“Um, guys,” he says quietly and their eyes turn to him, so he stares at his feet. “This is s-s-s-s-sort of, no it’s rrrr-really corny, buh-buh-ut. I, I, I. I want you guys to know that I’m ss-ss-so happy you... let me, um, like, um, be your friend.” He puffs out a long, slow breath.

Everyone around the table looks at each other.

“I think I can speak for everyone else,” Rachel starts, “and say that we’re happy you finally admit that we’re your friends.”

Blaine laughs then and takes a seat between Kurt and Kerry. Kurt gives him a kiss on the cheek. He’s warm and flushed, but sort of proud of himself.

Kerry turns to him, lightly squeezes his arm and says, “I’m happy you let me be your friend Blaine.”

Blaine is happy. Ridiculously, deliriously happy.


	26. Chapter 26

Later that night, Blaine insists they stay out for only one drink. He can see Kurt getting more sleepier by the minute.

“It might be my b-birthday, and tradition, but Kurt has s-sl-slept for like 3 of the past 40 hours and I don’t want to keep him up too mm-much longer.”

“Aw, don’t worry about me, poop. I can make it through,” Kurt says and then tries desperately to hide his yawn.

“Kurt, fella,” Blaine implores, taking both of Kurt’s hands in his own. “We can go to a ba-ba-bar tomorrow morning when you w-w-w-wake up for all I care. You need to go to sleep!”

Puck’s disappointed, but they all leave soon after that.

The three boys and Rachel first walk Kerry home and then they walk back to Kurt and Rachel’s apartment. When they arrive Kurt tells Blaine to go home.

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m really just going to pass out. Go home. I won’t be entertaining at all.”

“Or we could go back out!” Puck shouts, already halfway inside, but obviously more than willing to go back out.

“No way. I-I-I don’t give a shit. I just want to be with you,” Blaine says.

And so Blaine stays.

~~~~~

As promised, the boys spend the majority of the next day at the laundromat. Blaine had several weeks worth of dirty clothes built up himself.

“Let’s go put away your stuff first,” Kurt suggests when they’re done.

Blaine thinks it’s odd, usually Kurt is impeccable about hanging clothes immediately, but he doesn’t argue because it’s his mission to keep Kurt out of his apartment for another two hours.

When they get to Blaine’s, they hang out for a bit, watching tv. When Kurt’s hands drift absentmindedly to Blaine’s hair, he knows it’s time.

“Come on,” Kurt says, as he stands.

“Huh? No,” Blaine pouts, eyes blinking heavily. He’d been half asleep.

“You need a haircut.”

Blaine sticks his bottom lip out further and rubs his eyes.

“I will give you the best scalp massage of your life.”

“And then take a shower with mm-mm-me?” Blaine asks hopefully, suddenly much more awake.

“Of course.”

“Wait, how bout, w-w-wet my hair and, and, and cut it and then massage my s-s-scalp in the shower?”

“I accept these terms,” Kurt says. “Particularly if I get some variety of massage out of it myself.”

The boys have a lovely evening, to say the least.

~~~~~

Blaine is excited as he and Kurt make their way to Kurt’s apartment that night. He’s sure Kurt doesn’t suspect a thing. Blaine kept telling him all afternoon that they would go over to Kurt’s and meet up with their friends and then they’d go out to celebrate Blaine’s birthday and Kurt’s homecoming.

Kurt lists places they could go as they walk over.

“There’s this gay bar that I’ve only been to a few times with Rachel that I think we’d both have fun at. But there’s also this bar that has games and a pool table in the backroom that you might appreciate more. And then we have to find someplace with a decent dance floor and Puck’s going to make us go to the one where all the waitresses wear coconut bras. It’s a serious tourist trap, but he loves those coconut bras,” Kurt babbles as they walk.

Blaine swings their hands between them and he can’t stop smiling. He’s excited to go anywhere and everywhere with Kurt. He’s excited that he even wants to go to all those places and feels no anxiety whatsoever about any of them.

But tonight. Tonight is for Kurt and he knows it’s going to be great. Probably just about perfect. Not to mention he gets to reveal DiDi’s secret identity. He’s almost more excited about that than anything else.

When they get into Kurt’s building, Blaine’s impressed with how quiet it is. Rachel said she was going to try to keep the music down until they got inside, to maximize the surprise.

Kurt unlocks the door to the apartment and they squabble silently for a moment about who goes in first, Blaine is wordlessly adamant that Kurt needs to take the lead. Everyone wants to see Kurt.

The door swings open and immediately Blaine is shocked that the lights are off. Kurt walks in, hits the switch and stops. Blaine follows and hears everyone yell “Surprise!” Blaine looks at Kurt and smiles. But Kurt doesn’t look very surprised, rather he’s looking at Blaine expectantly. Blaine looks around the room, wondering why Kurt doesn’t seems surprised.

There are balloons and a sign. But the sign says “Happy Birthday, Blaine!”

He does a double, triple, quadruple take. All of this is happening within 5 second time span and Blaine can’t wrap his head around it.

He looks back at Kurt and points at him. “This wah-was supposed to b-b-be for you,” he says.

Kurt takes his hand and turns Blaine’s finger to point at himself. “No this is for you,” Kurt tells him.

And that’s when Blaine notices people there who wouldn’t have come for Kurt’s welcome back party. He sees quite a few people from his dorm. And Chad. And Cooper?

“What the hell is Cooper dah-dah-doing here?” Blaine asks Kurt.

And that’s when it hits him, like the nicest, kindest, softest ton of bricks you could imagine.

“This is for, for, for me?”

It’s been quiet in the room, people smiling, laughing a little here and there. When Cooper comes over and gives him a hug, (Blaine is almost too stunned to even respond) Rachel turns on the music and people start talking again.

“What are you dd-doing here?” he asks Cooper.

“Like I’d miss your 21st birthday?” Cooper responds.

Blaine’s so very confused.

“I... It’s just. Like.” Blaine’s not getting his words together in any kind of logical order at the moment, so he decides to smile.

“I know B,” Cooper says. “I get it.” Cooper gives him another hug, ruffles his hair, and gets out of the way. Sam and Finn come over and wish him happy birthday.

“I can’t be-be-be-believe you guys are here,” Blaine says to them, getting hearty hugs from both.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Sam says.

“Yeah. I was promised we were going to Atlantic City tomorrow,” Finn tells him, before moving over to Kurt.

Blaine turns to Kurt. “We are?”

Kurt is currently wrapped in a massive hug from Finn, who is telling him over and over “Oh man, I missed you so much. I can’t believe how much I missed you even though I never see you.” Kurt just gives Blaine a thumbs up, because his airway is cut off by Finn’s super-hug.

They’re followed by a string of other people. Chad hangs back, sipping a beer. Blaine waves, he’ll get over to him later. Chad and Cooper have found each other amongst a crowd of much younger people and seem to be happy talking adult stuff or whatever.

Blaine turns to look at Kurt.

“I’m s-s-serious. This was supposed to, to, to be for you.”

“I know. Most of it was my idea.”

“How? But...” Blaine is officially speechless.

“I had Rachel orchestrate the whole thing. And you fell right into our trap, saying that of course you shouldn’t have a party on your birthday, of course it makes more sense to have my welcome back party tonight. Never even suggesting to do a combo of the two or anything.”

Blaine smiles and rubs his hand across his eyes, feeling emotional.

“No one’s ever...” he doesn’t finish the sentence, letting it hang in the air. It’s another sentence with way too many variables.

“I know I’ve said it a hundred times today, but happy birthday, Blaine.” Kurt leans in and gives him a gentle kiss, Blaine increases the pressure and then Kurt pulls back.

Kurt looks over Blaine’s shoulder and tips his chin in the direction of the kitchen. “Isn’t there someone you want to introduce me to over there?”

Blaine looks over and DiDi waves enthusiastically. Blaine waves back and laughs.

“Oh, Kurt. Are you in for a, a, a s-surprise,” Blaine murmurs. Kurt just looks at him, questioningly.

They walk over and Blaine stands to the side and tries not to smile like a crazy person.

“DiDi, this is my um, uh, b-boy, boyfriend Kurt,” DiDi smiles and puts her hand out to shake.

“It’s so good to finally meet you!” she says, with her usual verve and DiDi-ness.

“And Kurt, this...” Blaine catches Kurt’s eye, feeling like he’s about to give him a gift. Amazed that he has this unique momento to give Kurt, a year after she pretty much brought them together. The symbolism, serendipity, crazy coincidence of this moment does not escape him.

“This is Deirdre Marshall.”

Kurt makes a choking noise.

DiDi looks at Blaine and then at Kurt. “I don’t know why he’s being weird,” she says to Kurt. “Everyone calls me DiDi.”

“Oh wow,” Kurt says, smiling, on the verge of laughing, on the verge of insanity. He blows out a puff of air. “It is really just a pleasure to meet you.” He pauses, pumping her hand and shaking his head in disbelief. “Deirdre Marshall.”

“DiDi,” she insists.

Kurt just raises his eyebrows and nods, swallowing back a thousand words and trying so very hard not to laugh.

“DiDi,” Kurt says evenly. “Could you excuse Blaine and me for a moment?” She nods and turns to search for a beer.

Kurt drags Blaine into his bedroom and closes the door before completely losing his shit. Kurt can’t stop laughing. He’s doubled over, crying with laughter.

“Oh my god,” he says. “Oh man.” His hands are on his knees laughing.

Blaine puts a hand on his back. “You gonna be okay?”

“Oh, Poop. This is amazing,” Kurt gasps, trying to regain control. “How long have you known?”

“Couple weeks. I-I-I found out the night of, of, of the last party.”

“I can’t believe you’re friends with fucking D.Marshall. This is like the best moment of my life.”

“Dude. I was friends with her for mm-months w-w-without even knowing it.” Blaine perches on the edge of the bed, not wanting to get too comfortable. There’s a whole party (of his friends) waiting outside (for him).

“Oh, wow. This is...” Kurt stands up and wipes at his eyes. “I’m crying. I’m laughing so hard that I’m crying. I honestly don’t think I’ve laughed this hard since that time you told me you had a tattoo on your ass in Sanskrit.”

Blaine laughs now too. “She’s nice Kurt. I feel s-s-sort of bad about how we mm-made fun of her all last summer.”

Kurt sits next to him and puts his arm around him. “Don’t worry about it. Without her we wouldn’t exist maybe. Not the same way. So.” Kurt shrugs. “Be nice to her now and we’ll just never, ever tell her the stuff we said about her last summer.” Kurt giggles again.

Blaine giggles, too. “She was just sss-so dah-dumb.” He makes a face of disbelief. “Remember the stuff she said about Angela’s Ashes? I mm-mean, who talks like that?”

“We really are intellectual snobs.”

“Oh Kurt,” Blaine turns to Kurt, his eyes wide. “I-I-I just remembered that the night I found out she was D.Marshall, she told me she’s dyslexic and has r-r-r-reading comprehension issues.” Blaine buries his face in Kurt’s shoulder. “We’re horrible, horrible people.”

“Poop, we didn’t know. She was a faceless internet entity. We didn’t know. Now we know her and we know that she’s nice and patient and has her own issues to deal with.” Kurt runs his fingers through Blaine’s hair.

“We n-n-need to stop being sn-sn-snah-snobby and judgmental.”

“We’re not actually snobby or judgmental in real life. It was just a front we put up on the internet.” Kurt takes Blaine’s hand and squeezes. “It’s okay. It’s just us. We didn’t hurt anybody. And we’ll be cooler from now on.”

“You just. You know... who I-I-I am and that I’ve had to deal with shitty people for ss-ss-so long. I hate that we, we, we were like that.”

“I know,” Kurt says and kisses the side of Blaine’s head. “I know. But she doesn’t know. And we’ll keep it that way.”

Blaine nods and stands up. “Come on. I think I-I-I need a drink.”

Kurt grins and takes his hand, stopping to kiss him again. “I’m so happy I can do this over and over,” Kurt says when he pulls away.

Blaine raises his eyebrows and kisses Kurt over and over, on his lips, his nose, his cheeks, his ear, his forehead, his neck.

“Whoa, there,” a voice from the direction of the door says.

It’s Cooper.

“Sorry, should have knocked. I was just trying to find the bathroom,” he says with a smile.

“Other door,” Kurt says.

Cooper nods and backs away, Kurt and Blaine following behind him.

~~~~~

When they get back to the party, Blaine continues making the rounds, finally having a moment to talk to Cooper.

“What are you dah-dah-doing here?” he asks. “I mean, it’s awesome to s-s-see you, but what the hell?”

“Your friend Rachel is very persuasive,” Cooper says with a smile. “Also, it’s your birthday! And I had some vacation time saved up and I heard we’re going to Atlantic City for a couple days. It just seemed like a really good idea.”

“Thanks, Coop.” Blaine stares at him for a minute. “Wait. You’re coming to AC? And we’re going for d-d-d-days?”

Matt happens to be walking past at that moment and hooks an arm around Blaine’s neck. “Turns out Puck’s nana has a condo down there too. It’s gonna be of the hiz-oook.”

“I have work,” Blaine says. “Also, hiz-ook, Matthew?”

Matt shrugs. “And nope, I talked to Sarah.”

“Good lord, you people are like, like, like ss-ss-seriously thorough. I’m shocked you d-d-didn’t invite her to the party.”

“I did. She had a wedding to go to, but says happy birthday and wants to take you out for a drink next week.”

Blaine laughs and just shakes his head.

The party goes on from there and Blaine finally makes it over to Chad. He puts his hand out to shake, to thank him for coming, but Chad turns it into a hug.

Blaine smiles and glances away, taken aback by Chad’s friendliness.

After a moment, Blaine leans on the wall next to Chad and gestures around the room. “This dah-dah-doesn’t strike mmm-me as your scene.”

“Sometimes you ha-ha-have to go outside your comfort zone,” Chad explains, knowingly.

Blaine nods. “Thanks for coming.”

“Matt tracked me down. Told me about the surprise. Considering you’re pretty much the success story of my career at this point, I fig-fig-figured the least I could do was come to your birthday party.”

“Success s-s-s-tory of your career?” Blaine inquires.

“Oh for sure. I mean, given all the var-r-r-iables of your case, you’re pretty much remarkable. From where you were, to where you are and the time it took you to get here.” Chad whistles and shakes his head. “I’m thinking I might make a journal with your story.”

“No way!” Blaine exclaims.

“Would you mind?” Chad asks. “It would be anonymous, obviously, no one would know it’s you.”

“I-I-I-I wouldn’t mind at all. That’s awesome. That’s like a really cool b-birthday present.”

“It’s not much of a present, you did all the work. I’ll get all the professional accolades.”

“I think I hate you s-s-sometimes,” Blaine jokes.

They’re quiet for a minute after that.

“So, these are your friends, huh?” Chad says with a smirk.

“They are indeed,” Blaine agrees contentedly.

Chad continues smirking.

“Oh, go fly a kite,” Blaine says.

“You seem exasperated Blaine. Would you like to teh-teh-tell me about that?”

Blaine laughs and then sobers. “Are we, you and I, like allowed to be, be, be friends?”

“Sure. Why wouldn’t we be?”

“I-I-I don’t know. Some kind of patient/doctor thing?”

“I’m definitely not a doctor. But, I mean, I don’t think it’s an ethical issue. I think we have too much in common not to be friends. Would be a, a dis-ser-ser-service to both of us. I don’t have many friends who stutter. Nobody really ‘gets it.’”

“Yeah, nobody really does. Ever.” Blaine agrees, as he mulls that thought over. It’s so true.

“So, yeah, let’s be friends,” Chad says.

Blaine nods. “Cool. Then I’m not as w-w-w-worried about missing you when I’m done with therapy.”

“Good,” Chad says, as he clinks their beer bottles together.

The party is a wild success. Blaine gets reasonably drunk and hangs out with all of his friends and all the people who could potentially be his friends, including Julia. She shows up a bit late and Blaine instantly recognizes her as a kindred spirit. She’s lonely and sad, but trying to get through it.

Blaine understands these things and tells Kurt he thinks integrating her into the group is a fantastic idea.

The next day they leave for Atlantic City. Blaine is sad that Matt can’t come, because he’s not 21 yet, but he has a good time with Kurt, Finn, Sam, Puck and Cooper. (Sam’s not 21 yet either, but he has a kick ass fake ID from his time as a male stripper.) Though Blaine doesn’t have another winning streak, he’s happy to be with his friends.

Time flies when you’re having fun with people you love.

~~~~~

Several weeks later, Blaine arrives at his final group therapy class. He’s sad to see it end, though he thinks he’ll probably take another one in the future. It’s a great resource and a great way to keep his speech in check.

Megan has rounds and rounds of questions for them to answer, telling them that each question is meant to bring them to closer to a sense of closure. One of the last questions really makes Blaine stop and think.

“How have you changed the most during this course?” Megan asks.

Blaine raises his hand to start the round, because he’s been thinking about this a lot lately.

“This course taught mm-me to talk. I-I-I learned how to … chat and make conversation and feel beh-better than okay, even when, even when, even when I mess up.”

He takes a deep breath and looks at his hands, lacing his fingers together.

“I used to be, be, be terrified of fluency. I-I-I put too much emphasis on it, telling myself that if I didn’t s-stu-stu-stutter I’d have friends, that if my ssss-speech improved people would like me. But then, um, then um, I-I-I started to worry that if my spah-speech did improve and people still didn’t like me, I would have nothing to, nothing to ... bah-blame. That would mean it was me that I was flawed, that it had nothing to do with mm-mm-my ss-speech. So, I was too s-s-cared to work on it. If I never improved, I could keep blaming my spah-speech.

He’s on a roll now. He doesn’t want to monopolize the floor much longer, but he needs to get these thoughts out into the world. Because if anyone will understand, it’s the other souls in this room with him.

“But, but, but now, I still stuh-stutter and I have friends and a b-boyfriend and I’m still working on … everything, but mm-my speech is better. And people like me.” He looks around and everyone’s nodding. “I-I-I feel weird saying that and it makes me nervous and kind of, of, of shy, but it’s good. Great even. And I think a, um, a lot of it is because of this course and b-b-b-because of you. All of you. So thanks for changing me. Thanks for helping mm-me, helping me learn to talk.”

Everyone smiles at Blaine and they continue on, many people quoting him and saying they feel the same way. Some of them saying it wouldn’t matter how many friends they had, they would still feel unsure about people liking them. Blaine’s glad he doesn’t have that problem. That his tight circle of friends is all he needs to know that he’s liked and wanted.

Finally, the last request Megan makes of them is to describe themselves in three positive words. Not to get bogged down in how they feel when they’re having a bad day, but how they describe themselves when it’s just them, on a good day. She explains that she wants them to write these words down on a slip of paper and keep them someplace safe, for the not so good days.

Blaine takes his time. He loves words so much, he wants to sort them out, pick just the right ones that will never fail to make him smile on a bad day.

~~~~~

When Blaine gets outside, after saying his goodbyes and even being offered a really sweet babysitting gig by his favorite middle-aged woman (she has 12 year old twin boys and lives in a building with a pool), Kurt is waiting.

Blaine stands at the top of the steps and Kurt hops up to the one below him.

“Hey,” Blaine whispers.

“Hiya,” Kurt whispers back, letting his fingers drift lightly on Blaine’s waist.

Blaine leans down to kiss him and says “It’s fun be-be-be-ing taller than you for once.”

“It’s fun being shorter than you for once,” Kurt responds, standing on his tiptoes to peck Blaine’s lips.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Blaine tells him. “I … I wah-was just thinking about you.”

“I’m glad I’m here too,” Kurt says as they step onto the sidewalk. “It’s a nice night for a walk. I was hoping we could get milk shakes. Maybe go to our diner.”

“Well, that s-sounds … whimsical,” Blaine smiles.

They chat while they walk, holding hands, laughing.

When they reach the diner, they slide into a booth, and Kurt can sense that Blaine has a lot on his mind.

“How’d it go tonight?”

“Really well,” Blaine says. “I’m gonna mm-mm-miss it, I think.”

Kurt nods, encouragingly.

“So, w-w-we had to do this... thing. Activity.” Blaine collects his words, feeling a little nervous to share this with Kurt. He knows Kurt will understand when he sees the paper. “We had to write dah-down three positive words to describe ourselves, to make us feel b-better on, on, on, on um... bad days.”

“Ok,” Kurt prods, gently, seeing that Blaine is working hard on this. He doesn’t want to just talk, he has something to say.

“And um, so, um. Like these are, these are mm-my words.”

Blaine gives him the slip of paper.

Kurt looks at the words, taking in the boyish slant of Blaine’s handwriting, and then glances up at the earnest look on Blaine’s face, the color high on his cheeks, his little nervous blinks.

Kurt smiles. “I’m surprised by the last one.”

Blaine looks at his hands. “I … I’ve been thinking about that one a, a, a lot lately. I think m-m-maybe I am. I think maybe I-I-I have be-been for a while, but didn’t want to admit it. Be bb-bb-because admitting it m-m-means I-I-I have to keep being it.”

“But you are it.”

“Sometimes.” Blaine shrugs. “I’m a work in progress.”

Kurt takes Blaine’s hand and slides it across the table, giving it a quick squeeze and running his thumb over his knuckles.

“I’m pretty sure if you weren’t a work in progress you’d be dead,” Kurt explains, with fond exasperation.

“You know what I like mm-most about you?”

“What?”

“You know how to take the r-r-romance out of any mo-moment.”

“Says the man who recently during the throes of foreplay said, and I quote directly, ‘I want you in my butt.’”

Blaine laughs at that and laces their fingers together tightly. “I love you, even though you’re a, a, a dumbass.”

“And I love you, because you’re a poophead.”

Their shakes come then and Kurt pushes the slip of paper back to Blaine, who wedges it into his wallet. It slides in next to another slip of paper that’s been folded and unfolded a hundred times, handwriting scrawled in different inks and varying legibility.

The old slip of paper says:

1\. I won’t think of them as blocks. I’ll think of them as interludes.  
2\. You were incredible.  
3\. Everyone’s a mess. Your mess is just harder to hide.  
4\. You need to give a little bit. Just a little.  
5\. Blaine you are so freaking endearing and you have no idea.  
6\. You’ve never been just Blaine to me.  
7\. I like you and I’m so happy to be with you, no matter what.  
8\. You are the best big spoon I’ve ever known.  
9\. I’m in love with you.  
10\. It’s just cause we love each other so darn much, poophead.  
11\. Your voice is my favorite.  
12\. I love you, so much, and I can’t wait to spend 132 years being Kurt and Blaine, too.  
13\. There I go again, falling in love with you a little more.  
14\. If I can’t hug you, I’m just going to sit here and stare at you until you can feel my love.  
15\. I miss you like cupcakes miss frosting.  
16\. There’s a lot of hope in my heart and it’s all because of you.

The new slip of paper says:

Winsome.

Happy.

Brave.


End file.
